St Paul's Football

The Road To Butcher's Hill

2011-07-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Road To Butchers Hill

St Paul's had been invited to enter a 7aSide tournament organised by YCFL (the league we are joining in September) and the invitation was eagerly accepted. A squad, for once, was easy to get together and consisted: Kev Church, Rich Church, Roy Gibson, Phil 'Jags' McBride, Matt Young, Tom Haigh, Matt Herbert, Will Gardener, Kerron Cross and Ed Boon. Simon 'Pretty Boy' Bissett couldn't play due to a recent operation so joined us to manage the team and provide any muscle needed for protection (the tournament was in Leeds after all).

The plan was to meet at Energise at 9:45am and drive to Butchers Hill Playing Fields in convoy in order to arrive in time to register (although, it turns out, registering pretty much involved just parking and kicking a ball about). Everyone got there on time expect for captain sensible himself, Phil McBride, who decided to turn up 10 minutes late – each minute seeing Pretty Boy get more and more irate. When Phil eventually blessed us with his presence everyone just jumped in their cars and headed off in their own direction. So much for going in convoy...

Turns out that Pretty Boy is an excellent navigator and we arrived at Butchers Hill on time, which is when we discovered that we would be playing on grass and none of us had brought boots. Fortunately, that didn't seem to matter in the end.

We picked an empty goal from the four pitches that had been set up and started taking pot shots at Kev whilst Pretty Boy and captain Tom discussed starting line-ups and a new “Christmas Tree” formation. Worryingly we spent more time collecting the ball from behind the goal than Kev did making any saves or picking the ball out of the net. Churchy (whose definition of “a pair of shorts” leaves a lot to be desired) was particularly wayward which is very out of character.

We didn't practice penalties.

Eventually the teams (16 or so) were called together and the rules of the tournament were explained and groups read out. We would be in a group with: ICC Doncaster, St John's and Gateway FC.

First up in our group was Gateway FC v ICC Doncaster (if ICC were a boxer they would be Ivan Drago), the ref blew the whistle and ICC kicked off. What followed was actually quite scary. ICC passed the ball at speed and had a fluid team movement that Barcelona would have been taking notes from. After 10 seconds the ball was in the back of the Gateway net and our “dugout” was stunned into a worried silence with a few of us exchanging “what are we doing here?” looks... except for Simon, whose eyes narrowed determinedly. Goodness knows how Gateway felt but to their credit they they pulled themselves together and kept it tight for the rest of the game and even fashioned a few half chances (their number 10 looked like one to watch out for). However, despite a battling performance from Gateway, ICC won 2-0 and it was time for our game against St John's. Simon's instructions: “Do not lose the first game.”

We lined up with Kev in goal and a backline of Churchy, Matt Y and Roy, Tom and Matt H made up the midfield and Will started on his own upfront with instructions to always stay as far forward as possible. St John's put St Paul's under plenty of pressure from the off and St Paul's were finding it hard to break forward. The back three were struggling (you'd never have guessed they played together every Wednesday evening) and it wasn't long before St John's were went 1 up. Simon responded quickly by bringing Phil on for Roy and moving Matt Y to right-back with Phil slotting into the centre. Phil's barked orders steadying the defence and St Paul's started to look a bit more solid and even started to put pressure on the St John's defence. However, after a good passing move St John's went 2-0 up. A great move between Will, Tom and Matt H nearly ended in a goal but Matt nodded a header wide when he would have expected to score. St Paul's continued to defend well and with a few minutes to go the ball broke to Matt H and he beat a player or two before calmly slotting the ball past the keeper to make it 2-1 and give St Paul's a glimmer of hope. St Paul's continued to press but St John's held out and the game finished 2-1 to St John's.

We were straight back on to face Gateway FC and with ICC up next we really needed to win the game to stand a realistic chance of qualifying. Phil and Matt Y were determined to keep their number 10 quiet and therefore nullify Gateway's main goal threat. It was tight, hard fought game but St Paul's had the better chances, Will, Matt H, Kerron and Tom all going close, Ed was battling well upfront and Phil and Matt Y were keeping things quiet at the back which gave Will more opportunity to push forward. There were a couple of comical “PHIL'S... oh, maybe not...” shouts from Phil, but otherwise he had the defence sewn up tighter than a Scotsman's purse. Gateway nearly pinched it right at the death when a long ball found its way through to their sub about 5 yards from goal. A clever flick needed a smart save from Kev to keep things level. So, the game ended 0-0 and we had our first point but would need a good performance to beat ICC and stand a chance of qualifying for the main knockout stage.

We sat out the next game and watched Gateway FC v St John's. We were routing for St John's as we were level on points with Gateway and didn't want to finish bottom of the group. However, Gateway, despite being under a lot of pressure, took the lead against the run of play – their flashy number 10 found himself in acres of space and smashed the ball past the keeper. St John's upped their game and put Gateway under constant pressure but it looked like Gateway would hold out, however, St John's grabbed two quick goals with time running out and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, winning the game 2-1. Although it was the result we wanted it was hard not to feel sorry for Gateway. The result also meant that we couldn't qualify for the main knockout stage.

ICC Doncaster were up next, a team straight out of the Roy Of The Rovers villainous football teams handbook. They had a fat keeper who was a thug, an excellent number 10 that they all worshipped and a dirty number 14 who made Jimmy Bullard look like Mr Universe. In the words of Kevin Keegan, I would love it if we beat them. It's probably a good thing pretty boy was injured or things could have got a bit tasty!

The game kicked off and ICC started with a swagger that said “This is going to be easy”, however, Phil, Matt Y, Will and Tom were defending well and Ed was holding the ball up well up front, add Matt H's runs down the wing and the game was a lot more even than you would have expected. Then a bit of controversy that would prove to be crucial. Matt H weaved his way into the area and was brought down by the keeper about 3 or 4 yards from goal. As one, St Paul's shouted “PENALTY” but the ref inexplicably awarded a free-kick! St Paul's worked a shot from the free-kick but it was blocked by a defender. That incident galvanised ICC but they couldn't break through a stubborn St Paul's defence and were restricted to taking shots from distance that didn't trouble Kev. ICC did come close when their number 10 waltzed past Matt Y and hit a powerful shot that struck the bar and bounced down and out (not even a Russian linesman could have argued that that had gone in). With a couple of minutes left one of ICC's player burst through the middle and Tom had no option but to bring him down on the edge of the area for a free-kick. They took a shot from the free-kick but it struck the ref (why he was standing there I will never know!) and re-bounded nicely to one of their players whose scuffed shot wrong footed St Paul's defence and the ball trickled into the corner of the goal. So, the game finished 1-0 to ICC and it felt like a most unjust defeat, especially when Pretty Boy asked the ref why he hadn't awarded us a penalty and he responded that he didn't know we were doing penalties (!!) and that if he had known he would have given one.

I think the table finished like:

P F A Pts
ICC 3 5 0 9
St John's 3 4 4 6
St Paul's 3 1 3 1
Gateway FC 3 1 4 1

The top two teams from each group went into a knockout stage to play for the cup and the bottom two into another knockout stage to compete for the“trophy” so we know we had at least one more game to play, but first lunch....

Lunch was a burger and a promise of a hotdog once we got knocked out. During lunch the league handed out various awards from the season – league champions, cup winners, leading scorers etc. All three of the teams from our group went up and received something – talk about a tough draw! Pretty Boy wandered off to a local pub for a pint, the pub looked bad from the outside, but apparently that was nothing compared to the inside! (bizarrely I gather he was offered a large quantity of milk from the back of someone's car). Two guys gave their testimonies, which I thought was interesting and, whatever your views on what they were saying, I think you have to admire them for having the guts to do it in front of a hundred or so blokes. Anyway, on to the knockout stages,,,,,

First up were Scunthorpe Irons and by now Pretty Boy had settled on a starting line up of: Kev, Will, Phil, Matt Y, Tom, Matt H and Ed. Having seen a couple of teams play the first knockout game we were feeling reasonably confident as it was apparent that the quality was not as good as that which we had already faced, In fact, Tom declared that he “fancied lifting a trophy” and promised if we won it he would join us at church the next morning (to place the cup on the alter).

Warming up next to the pitch left me very concious of the burger that was sitting in the bottom of my stomach like an animal rights activist chained to a gate, perhaps lunch should have been a little lighter! We kicked off against Scunthorpe Irons and to be fair never really looked in trouble, Phil continued to dominate in defence and and Kev didn't have much to do. Matt Y won the ball in the right-back position and Matt H gave him a great call which stopped Matt Y smashing the ball out, instead, he looked up and found Matt H with a nice long ball. Matt H controlled the ball brilliantly, beat a player and hammered the ball into the top corner, a great goal and we were 1-0 up. Shortly afterwards Tom added a second with a nice cross-come-shot that looped over the keeper. We relaxed after that and the saw the game out without incident and we were in the semi-final.

We caught the end of the other quarter-final and saw Frank Worthington FC (I'm sure they were called that, but it's an odd name for a footy club) knock out our group mates Gateway FC on penalties. Did I mention that we hadn't practiced penalties?

So, we face FWFC in the semi-final and it was a much tighter game that the previous one, however, both keepers were pretty much untroubled, it was one of those games where the defences are on top and there wasn't much goal mouth action despite both times trying to win the game in normal time. However, time slipped away and the final whistle blew and left us facing a penalty shootout. The shootout was straight into sudden death and Pretty Boy had at least three volunteers (Tom, Will and Matt H) to take a penalty.

Tom won the coin toss and Pretty Boy declared that we should kick first. Tom was like a rabid fighting dog on a leash and was eyeing the keeper with a confident, slightly knowing grin. The ref blew and Tom stepped forward and hammered the ball low into the bottom corner – i'm not sure the keeper even moved. 1-0.
Kev took his place in goal and bounced around making the goal look small, their penalty taker did not look confident and after a short run up put the ball exactly where Kev would have wanted it and he made the save look easy – we were though to the final 1-0 on penalties! Everyone ran to Kev to congratulate him, although, as Tom was at pains to point out, you have to score one first!

Our opponents in the Trophy Final were St Peter's – a team who had had a bye in the quarter final and gone straight into the semi-final.

St Peter's were a good side, certainly a step up from the previous two games, they had some good, quick, strong players and communicate well as a team. Nevertheless, St Paul's held their own and even fashioned the best chance of the first half when Matt H found Ed in the box after a good run, Ed took a touch before shooting and the shot was blocked. The first half was tight with St Peter's doing most of the attacking requiring Phil, Will and Matt Y to work hard in defence. Tom was battling hard in midfield and was tackling anything that moved and despite being on top St Peter's failed to fashion any clear-cut chances.

The second half was much the same as the first with both teams working hard, Phil nearly had a hernia bellowing at his defence after Matt Y had lost his man on a corner forcing Phil to step in with a last ditch block. Eventually though, the pressure paid off and St Peter's took the lead, and what a goal it was too. A peach of a cross from deep beat both Matt Y and Will and their striker buried an excellent header past Kev. 1-0 down and time was running out, St Paul's attacked with more urgency and there were half-chances for Kerron, Matt Y and Matt H but St Peter's defence did well and their were no decent opportunities for St Paul's strikers. A number of long throws into the area followed but the ball just would not fall for St Paul's, St Peter's held firm and the final whistle blew and the Trophy would not be coming to Holgate.

St Paul's were deflated but also felt that they could hold their heads high after some decent performances (they didn't lose any games by more than a one goal margin). It would have bee great to get our hands on the Trophy, especially seeing Tom deliver it to church. As it was, we headed to the nags head to reflect on the day and have a pint. The lads voted Matt Herbert as Player Of The Tournement with Phil Mcbride coming in a close second after a great performance in defence.

Player Ratings:

Kev: a sound pair of hands, Kev made a few stunning saves as always – the last minute save against Gateway and of course the semi-final penalty save stick in the mind. Kev commanded his area well and never looked anything other than as cool as ice. Rating: Gordon Banks

Churchy: solid and dependable as ever, Churchy showed his normal strength in the tackle and his excellent passing was on show once more. Always as a high work rate and often goes without the credit he deserves despite being such an essential member of St Paul's team. Rating: Paul Scholes

Roy: loves to get stuck in and gave all the attackers he faced a real headache (they would have felt it the next day). Roy battled hard and never gave up on anything, like a terrier always snapping at someone's heels allowing them no time on the ball. His distribution has improved no end as Roy has established himself as first choice left back in the 11aSide squad. A great performance. Rating: Stuart Pearce

Phil: rock solid and as imposing as an Israeli Border point. Brought a steadying presence to the defence when they were under pressure early in the first game and never looked back, organising, shouting, tackling, blocking and winning everything that cam his way, Phil quite simply immense. Rating: Phil Jagielka

Matt Y: struggled to impose himself at centre back before being replaced by Phil. Did better at right-back but went missing in the knockout stages. Needs to improve going forward and also looks like he could do with losing a stone or two. Tried hard. Rating: Kenny Sansom.

Will: played most of the tournament at left-back and was quality. Great tackling and passing as you would expect from Will as well as his usual flashes of outstanding skill. Unlucky not to get on the scoresheet against Gateway when a great shot flashed wide. One of the first names on the teamsheet everytime, Will had a great tournament. Rating: Roberto Carlos

Tom: worked harder than an entire Mississippi chain gang, Tom was awesome in midfield. Loves a battle and not afraid to put the boot in but also has the skill and deft touch of a quality player. Tom scored a great goal and took a fantastic penalty, showing real nerve to step up to take one. St Paul's captain and a real character , looking forward to seeing Tom in the league team next season. Rating: Zidane

Matt H: St Paul's Player Of The Tournament and was quality throughout. Has a great awareness and touch and loves to run at the opposition. A relatively new player in the team but has settled in as if he's been around for years. Scored two great goals and ran himself into the ground. Matt is one of those players that can make things happen and it's going to be great seeing him in the 11aSide team. His first test? Buy a kit for St Paul's that is a colour that won't upset Pretty Boy. Rating: Lionel Messi

Kerron: Fought for every ball upfront and gave a great “target man's” performance. Was unlucky not to get a clear sight of goal but showed some great skill, especially with a nice run against Gateway where he beat most of their team before being crowed out. Has battled back from a broken leg and is perhaps not yet a 100% fit. Sure to be a very important player in the coming league campaign. Rating: Luther Blissett

Ed: like Kerron Ed fought hard upfront and kept the opposition on their toes. Never seems to be phased by anything and is improving all the time. Ed has become a main part of the 7aSide squad and seems to be destined to be an equally important part of the league team. Has a great shot and nice passing ability but is also strong in the tackle and fearless. Top drawer. Rating: Marco Van Basten

Simon “Pretty Boy” Bissett: masterminded St Paul's journey from (literally) Energise to the final. Along with captain Tom came up with the new “Christmas Tree” formation for the team and it worked well. Showed great judgement bringing Phil on when he did and moving Will to left-back and also used the subs well throughout the day. Would have been playing if not for his injury, but did a fantastic job from the touchline and even found time to sneak of for a cheeky pint. Would make an excellent manager for the league team but it too important a player. Unlucky not to lead us to our first silverware. Rating: Bobby Robson (although having subsequently led us to our first victory against the Baptists in our 7aSide series, this is in danger of becoming “The Special One”).

Match Report: Wednesday 15th December

2010-12-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

Carbs' Team 4

Ed's Team 9ish

Carbs' Team: Carbs, Roy, Tom H, Shaun, Tuvvy, Will, Dave C, Andy T, Robin, Sam
Ed's Team: Ed, Matt, Phil, Mike, Jason, Fletch, Tom W, Kev, Sam

After missing two weeks due to snow the Energise pitch was finally cleared and 17 of St Paul's finest and Matt turned up and the lack of football had left most of us looking like the crew of Das Boot. Tom H in particular had the look of a man who'd been locked in a cupboard for a week and been forced to watch the XFactor knowing all along that on the other channel England's batsman were dishing it out to the Aussies.

Matt picked the teams and Carbs' Team kicked off, shooting towards the school end. Phil, who has been away longer than a Chillean miner, immediately slotted into the centre-back player maker role that Brett had made his own (I assume Brett was missing as he was off foiling the penguin's latest scheme) and, such was his command of that side of the pitch, it freed up the likes of Kev and Tom W to support Jason, Fletch and Ed in attack. It wasn't long before Tom H was called into action in goal, alternating between sublime goalkeeping that would make Neville Southall proud and a kinda Anne Widdecome style prancing around the 6-yard area. It did the trick though and Ed's team couldn't find the break through despite some nice passing moves. Ed was unlucky with a couple of snap shots. Roy and Dave were defending brilliantly and Roy in particular looked like he meant business.

Then after defending another attack from Ed's Team, Carbs team broke quickly and the ball found its way to Carbs who showed his usual excellent control (the ball sticks to his feet almost like it's a part of him, it reminds me of Terminator 2, but with builders) and he looked odds-on to score but his curling shot struck a combination of post and bar and the rebound was cleared by the alert Kev Church. A warning to Ed's team.

Fletch then broke the deadlock with a nice finish into the bottom corner following another good move involving Mike and Ed. A few moments later Carbs' team were almost level when Matt gave the ball away in defence and Robin got through on goal, but his shot was well saved by Phil in goal. Ed then made it 2-0 with a quality flick with his heel after a good kick-in from Mike. It was nice to see that both teams were trying to play the ball on the deck and some of the passing displayed by the likes of Phil, Mike, Ed, Shaun, Carbs and Tom H was outstanding. Another good ball from Mike, this time from a corner found Matt at the back post, but the rotund Evertonian didn't get enough power into his header and Tuvvy easily plucked it from the air.

Will, Robin and Carbs were linking up really well and Dave was tackling well in midfield which gave Will the freedom to run with the ball. He showed some great skill to beat Matt, completely sending him the wrong way, but his shot drifted just wide of the post. By this point Sam had arrived and joined Carbs team, which put them 2 players up, but 2 goals down. However, Sam slotted into defence alongside Roy and Tom and Carbs team slowly started to dominate the game. Carbs scored a beauty after bringing the ball down, turning, beating a defender and smashing the ball past the keeper.

It was developing into a really good game and a hard fought contest. Mike, Fletch and Jason were doing well on the left and Mike was defending excellently. For Carbs team, Robin and Andy looked dangerous on their left and Roy was playing some fantastic long balls to the ever present goal-threat in the form of Carbs. Kev even got in on the act, by flicking a clearance over Will's head and turning to start an attack - was this Acomb or Brazil?

Robin set up Dave with a clever run to the byline and a nice ball into the area where Dave was waiting to smash home from 2 yards after a nice run to find space. Then Will scored one of his specials, a great finish from distance and a contender for Goal Of The Game. Will then looked odds-on to grab a second when the ball fell to him 6 yards out. With Kev struggling to get back in goal it looked certain to be 4-2, but somehow Will contrived to scuff his shot and in the end Kev made a rountine save. Not long after that, another goal did come (sorry, can't remember the scorer and it was 4-2). With Ed's team, 2 players and 2 goals down, Sam swapped teams to make it 9-a-side

Once again Sam proved to be the pivotal player and the game once again swung in the favour of Ed's team. Phil was now playing a more attacking role, slotting in behind the strikers and playing some lovely football, even the ever dependable defensive presence of Tom H struggled to keep Phil in check. A good corner from Ed was poked into the net by Kev, Phil grabbed a hat-trick (an event that, like him buying a round, happens only once in a lifetime) and even the Billy Bunter like Matt got on the scoresheet after beating both Will and Roy and slotting the ball past Tuvvy with the outside of his boot. Roy was unlucky when a brilliant clearance off the line after a shot by Matt was smashed straight back past him into the net by Kev. Ed had a great snapshot that drifted just wide, but his team were on top and the score was about 9-4.

The chances didn't stop though, only some good keeping by Jason, Kev and Sam stopped Carbs team getting more goals. One clearance by Sam was awesome, realising he'd strayed out of his area he leapt like the proverbial salmon and headed the ball away. Carbs thought he'd score but Kev pulled off one of his trademark quality saves and Andy blasted over on the back post when he really should have hit the target. At the other end, Phil was unlucky to head over a great corner from Ed and Fletch saw a missile of a shot go just wide.

Towny and Will then went for the same ball and ended up colliding in a moment reminiscent of the keystone cops and Kev nearly castrated Tuvvy with a high boot. It only happens at St Paul's footy!

There was just enough time for Carbs team to try for a consolation goal from a corner, but once again, Ed's team defended well and "time" was called. A great game after a frustrating break. Let's hope there's more of the same next week.

Goal Of The Week: Will's superb finish, he has a habit of scoring spectacular goals and this was up there with his best.

Player Of The Week: Loads of good performances this week. Carbs returned and proved that he still oozes class. Kev played as well as I ever seen him play and got 2 great goals, Will was excellent, Ed is now consistently one of the best players on the pitch. Sam played out of his skin, for both teams and his defending was brilliant. Roy defended heroically for Carbs' team. He seemed to be everywhere, putting in challenges and blocking shots. Also, as mentioned above, some of his passing was awesome. So, POTW so nearly went to Roy, but that would be ignoring the man in the SUFC kit. Phil started the game by bossing Carbs' team from his own half, they just could not get passed him. Everytime the ball came into his half he mopped it up, beat a player or two and then laid the ball off for a team mate. Quality. After a brief stint in goal which included a great save, he played the rest of the game up front and Tom and Roy just could not deal with him. Getting a fully deserved hat-trick was only half the story, Phil was involved in most of his teams goals and also ensured that his team kept their shape. Some people liken him to "Indiana Jones meets Mr Bronson in a football kit", some say he taught Carol Vorderman all she knows and others still say he's the lovechild of Jimmy Cranky and Lembut Opik, all I know is that is the best performance in that kit that you're going to see anywhere all season. Well done Phil.

Match Report: Wednesday 24th November

2010-11-25T04:27:00.000-08:00

Sean's Team: 6
Jason's Team: 2

It was a glorious winters evening and an exceptionally tight match was played out between two evenly matched sides - until the last 5 minutes that is!

It was a game where the songwords from England's Italia 90 World Cup Song 'World in Motion' took on extra meaning. Do you remember John Barnes rapping ''There's only one way to beat them - get round the back?'' Well, this was game where no-one managed this - the midfielders on both teams passed well but defenders were solid and rarely forced to turn to face their own goal. They were in control!

Sean's team started well and sneaked an early goal. Their midfield was driven by James, Buncey and Rich Townend with Sean and Andy Towney providing outlets on either wing. After the early goal though the floodgates didn't open and the game became a cat and mouse stalemate. Fletcher's midfield came more into it with Mike, Ed and John playing some delightful triangles in the midfield. Their slower start was perhaps due to John finding his range after coming out of retirement 6 years ago ( although he's still only 22 ) and Mike reaching the age where it just takes him a little longer to get going.

But for a long period defenders stayed on top and in control. It would need something special to break this deadlock - and Fletcher provided it! After a good move down the right side a miss-hit shot by Jonny fell to Fletcher who finished cooly at the far past. 1-1.

But still the cat and mouse continued with midfielders working hard but not able to turn the defences and make clear chances. Finally, a low driven cross shot resulted in Andy Towney pouncing at the far post for Sean's team to take the lead again.

Skill of the week: A most wonderful piece of skill was witnessed by all as Roy, who appeared to be hemmed in by his own corner flag with nowhere to go by Buncey, turned and then nutmeged him. The look on Buncey's face was one of wanting the ground to open up before him. Buncey couldn't make it to the bar afterwards as he had a taxi waiting for him! Great skill Roy!

Good Attitude of the Week goes to Rich Townend and Mike who despite being on opposite teams managed to find time to compare their respective sermons for this Sunday - I bet that's not what Lee Bowyer and Joey Barton chat about in their midfield clashes!!

Another break from Fletcher's team gave Jonny a tap in equaliser and it was back to all square stalemate again.

With 5 minutes to go it looked as though 2-2 would be the final score but then Sean's team lost a couple of players - without even realising it! ( That doesn't happen in the Champions League ) Sean's team made the most of the overlap created and got a goal up. Fletcher's team then panicked as there was little time left for an equaliser; they pushed further forward leaving even bigger holes in the defence than there already were due to players leaving early. It was carnage and 6-2 was the final score - although Fletcher's team would like to claim a third goal as consolation but I'm not sure it counts when the goalkeeper and defender are taking their bibs off and are already halfway to the bar!

Afterwards the bar was indeed the place to be and several stayed for a drink and also voted for Goal of the Week and Player of the Week.

Player of the Week

Ed and James were voted jointly on this but in the end it was given to James after a final group discussion. He dominated the midfield like a colossus mixing skill, stength and speed in a midfield masterclass reminiscent of Gazza in the 90-91 season. Well done James!

Goal of the Week.

The clear winner was Jason Fletcher's goal. It was a good team passing move and although the final cross was a mis-hit shot by Jonny and the finish was a simple one from close range it was the way Jason had powered from one end of the pitch to the other to get himself in that position that impressed the voters. A year ago Jason would have had to have a sit down on the half way line to complete a run like that but not any more - so the GOTW goes to the lean, mean, footballing machine that is Fletcher!

There will be BIG prizes at the end of the season for Player of the Season and Goal of the Season. Prizes will be dependent on amount of cash in the kitty - at the moment 's looking like a night out with the Church brothers for the winner ( and 2 nights out with the Church brothers for the runner up )

Don't miss your chance to come to the bar and vote at the end of the game next week!!

Match Report by Jonny W

Match Report: Wednesday 1st September

2010-09-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Woody's Team 2
Phil's Team 5

Woody's Team: Woody, Matt, Jonny, Ed, Chris, Shaun, Jason, Andy T, Barry
Phil's Team: Phil, Carbs, Churchy, Kev, Tom W, Rich, Jonni

It may have only been the first day of September but the nights are definitely drawing in and I had to contemplate cycling to football with my lights on (decided against it, it runs the batteries down). It was a good turnout and it was great to see Woody and Carbs both return after long absences and Phil came down (despite his wife stealing his car) after a break of a few weeks. Still a lot of regulars missing and I'm starting to wonder if it's something I said?

The game kicked off and Woody started strongly - moaning that is! "Why do you do kick-ins? They're for girls! Why have you changed the price? That's daft! Why did you pick these teams? They're rubbish! Where is everyone who used to come? Why is Oaklands called Energise?" (to be fair, he had some valid points). All I could think to say was "Why are you wearing the smallest pair of shorts ever seen on a football pitch?" (scary sight). It was great to have him back though and was amusing watching the lads who'd never played with him before react to him "coaching" them throughout the game.

In reality it was Phil's team that started the stronger and the combination of the Church brothers, Jonni and Carbs was proving difficult for Woody's team to deal with and Jonni opened the scoring with a great finish past Jason. Phil's team were so on top that Phil was able to amble around in defence mopping up the occasional attack and simply encouraging his team. At this point Matt swapped teams and it wasn't long before he had a big impact... unfortunately it was giving away a penalty by performing the stupidest of handballs. Having run back to try and defend Matt saved a shot with his hand, even though the shot was going about 5 foot over the bar. Carbs dispatched the penalty with the ruthless efficiency of a Russian assassin and it was 2-0.

Desperate to make up for his stupidity Matt went upfront and after a nice ball from Woody, Matt produced an excellent turn which beat two defenders, some nice close control and a quick run and he was in the box looking odds on to score a great goal. However, Phil, in goal, had other ideas and drawing on all his powers as a mathematician rushed out at lightening speed and narrowed all the angles (Phil would say "Applied Riemannian geometry in a non-Euclidean metric to ascertain the most likely point of angular separation in a three-dimensional plane as a body of obese mass approached, using impulse momentum theorem." - he's blast at parties), Matt tried to slip the ball past him, but Phil made a great save and the score remained 2-0. That is the power of maths!

Carbs and Churchy were on fire and Churchy was bombing forward at every opportunity with Carbs making some excellent runs and displaying some exquisite control. At one point Phil hit a long ball towards Carbs and immediately went "ahrrgh, sorry Carbs" thinking he'd miss hit the pass but Carbs used his Peter Crouch style legs to effortlessly pluck the ball out of the air and he made the pass look excellent. A great ball through the middle from Churchy found Carbs and he ran at Matt twisting and turning and then unleashed an unstoppable shot into the bottom corner - a quality finished and 3-0.

Woody's team had been attacking and creating chances but they just couldn't seem to finish. Kev, Phil and Churchy all made good saves, then Matt skinned Phil with a nice run but his shot was poor and Jonni saved with his feet. Woody sent in a peach of a ball for Matt who got his head to the ball but, again, Jonni saved. A lovely run from Jonny and a nice pass set Jason up but his shot hit the post. Woody showed some amazing footwork to beat two players and create space for a shot, but his shot was too high. Someone (Chris I think) hit a great shot which beat the keeper but Jonni was on the line and cleared (the ball hit the bar but stayed out). Shaun and Ed both had half chances but it looked like Woody's team would never score. Phil, Kev and Rich were playing really well in defence and Tom W was tackling anything that moved. To make matters worse another good move and quick break from Phil's team led to Carbs grabbing his hat-trick and it was 4-0.

Then the goal finally came, Woody picked the ball up deep and a nice passing move ended with a great ball out to Andy T on the left wing and Andy ran onto the ball and smashed it into the roof of the net - a really nice goal and fully deserved.

Phil's team were showing no mercy though and were chasing more goals. Jonny had to make about 5 great saves in a row and then when Chris went in goal he saved well from Carbs (a great long range curler) and from Kev (Kev was unlucky after winning the ball in defence and starting the move, he got on the end of a great passing move and only a great save stopped him getting the goal he deserved). Then a beautiful pass from Churchy split the defence and found Phil who let fly with a brilliant long range volley which dipped into the top corner. Great goal and 4-1.

Matt went in for a ball in the corner and ended up twisting his ankle. A girly screech rang out around Oaklands and Matt crawled off the pitch like Dale Winton if he'd been punched by Frank Bruno. An ice pack was ordered and an accident form duly filled out... Matt is such a drama queen!

Anyway, while Matt was off the pitch, Chris pulled a goal back to make it 5-2 and Phil would like it noted that he could have "taken out" Jonny but decided to play fairly. News just in is that Phil had to go to hospital to have his toe checked out after fulfilling every St Paul's footballer's dreams... kicking Jonny.

So, that was that, time was called on a thoroughly engrossing and great game of football.

Goal Of The Week: Carbs scored a really nice goal as did Andy, but Phil's volley was inch perfect and struck with a lot of skill, also the pass from Churchy was sublime. Great goal Phil.

Player of the Week: Some top class performances this week. Woody was brilliant and has lost none of his skill or enthusiasm. Tom W had an exceptional debut and looks like he's a great player. Kev Church was awesome again (he's having a great season), Rich Church was brilliant, Ed just gets better and better (still needs a haircut though), Phil had a storming return, some great saves and a fabulous goal. Jonni and Rich were great in defence. Jonny W was so close to POTW, he had a great game, he still has his trademark silky runs but now releases the ball a bit earlier and causes the opposition some real headaches, add to that his great spell in goal and the fact he put in a great shift in defence and you have a POTW performance. If it hadn't been for Carbs. What a return! His hat-trick was good but only tells a fraction of the story. His control was perfect and his runs mesmerizing. He said he was playing for his place in the 11-a-side, well, it can hardly be in doubt after a magnificent performance. Like a cross between Rooney, Matt Le Tissier and Stretch Armstrong Carbs spent 60 minutes terrorising Woody's team and deserved his hat-trick and also his POTW, at times he made Dimitar Berbatov look like a clumsy cartoon clown that can't hit barn door. Well done Carbs, great game.

Match Report: Wednesday 25th August

2010-08-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Churchy's Team: 5
Tom's Team: 9

Churchy's Team: Churchy, Shaun, Rich, Chris, Little Dave, Big Dave, Kev, Sam, Barry
Tom's Team: Tom, Rich, Matt, Brett, Jason, Jonny, Jonni, Ed, Paul

Ideal conditions for a game of football and it was good to see Big Dave and Paul return after long absences, the Church brothers and Brett also returned. It was Rich Church's birthday and he turned up with a nice new football and a dreadful liverpool shirt - seriously bad dress sense from an otherwise thoroughly decent chap. Anyway, game on...

The game started with Churchy's Team on the attack and although Brett and Tom dealt with most things comfortably Tom's team couldn't seem to keep the ball upfront or get any kind of attack going which meant each time the ball was cleared it just came straight back. It wasn't long before a nice move from Churchy and Little Dave led to Shaun being played in and he made no mistake firing past Matt in goal. Matt got a hand to it and really should have done better.

Fortunately for Tom's team, Ed and Jonny turned up and joined their team (Big Dave and Sam also turned up and joined Churchy's Team). Jonny W needed a few minutes to warm up and ran around a bit like this man (although when he got going he played more like this man (that is about the speed he runs nowadays too)).

A change of keepers saw Tom replace Matt in goal but his first job was to pick the ball out of the net after Churchy had marked his birthday with a nice run and a quality shot low into the far corner that left Tom rooted to the spot looking like a waxwork Buzz Lightyear in a football kit. Nice goal and 2-0.

Tom's team started to get back into the game with Jonni and Jonny providing some width on the left and Ed causing all sorts of problems for Sam and Kev in defence. Brett was playing some beautiful passes from the back and spreading the play brilliantly. It wasn't long before Ed got in a pulled a couple of goals back, on another occasion, he did well to keep a ball in on the left, beat a defender, then his hat flew off his head and he caught it in his hand whilst beating a second man, but ultimately his shot hit the side netting. Ed needs to get a hat that stays on... or have a haircut, but there's no telling teenagers is there?

The game settled into the normal St Paul's pattern of both teams going for goals and counter-attacking at every opportunity. Jonny W was enjoying the challenge of running with the ball with space scarce and he made a number of goalscoring chances for his team. Tom also played some nice balls into the box and Matt had a couple of headers that were OK but didn't really trouble the keeper. Matt and Ed both blasted the ball over the fence and had long jogs round the fence to get the ball back.

Then Churchy lost the ball in defence after a challenge (Rich claimed foul) by Jason and Ed was on hand to slot the ball home, he doesn't miss those. A ludicrous handball from Jason (he was in goal and ran out, miles out of his area and just picked the ball up) led to a free kick which Shaun cleverly took quickly and played the ball in to Barry but his shot flew wide.

Then a great goal from Churchy, collecting the ball about 25 yards out on the left wing, he looked up and hit a volley with the outside of his boot that flew past Jason in goal. Spectacular. Paul, who was have a good game on his return, ventured up front and the ball fell to him after Churchy had challenged Matt, Paul hit an exquisite first time shot that arched into the far corner. Brilliant.

Little Dave was also having a great game and one of his runs seemed to have paid off when he got some space in the area and his shot beat Jonni in goal. However, Matt had run back and got a foot to the ball on the line, it flew up onto the bar, bounced down, hit Jonni and bounced over. Close! There was a bit of mumbling about goal line technology, but claiming that had crossed the line would be akin to claiming Simon Bissett is teetotal.

There were some tasty challenges. Some nice quick foot work from Big Dave saw him skin Jason, although, just when he looked to have made some space for himself, Jason floored him and Dave went down like a stack of giant jenga bricks. Free kick! Matt nearly took Kev's head off with a foot so high it could have joined Pink Floyd and Brett put in a number of solid, but fair, tackles all over the pitch.

Sam hit the bar from a nice flicked header, the Jason made a great save, so did Paul and Kev made a good save from Jason after Matt pinched ball from Churchy and played the ball across the box - the scoreline could certainly have been higher. Big Dave grabbed a nice goal from distance, hitting the ball hard and low past Paul in goal.

Tom's team started to pull away a bit though. Ed was in a ruthless mood and scored a peach of a goal past Kev, curling the ball low into the far corner after a nice turn. That made it four goals for Ed. Then Jonni broke down the right, cut inside and buried the ball into the back of the net. Matt even got on the score sheet after a nice through ball found him one-on-one with the keeper and he hit it through the keeper's legs. Despite Little Dave pulling one back there was no catching Tom's team and, fittingly, the final word was left to Tom who finished off a good win with a nice goal on the turn. so 9-5 and time was called. A good game that could have had a lot more goals in it, well played lads.

Goal Of The Week: Both of Churchy's goals were great and Ed's fourth was fantastic but Paul's first time finish was sublime and wins GOTW this week. Paul had a great game after a long absence and fully deserved his goal, well done Paul.

Player Of The Week: Brett and Tom were both outstanding again, as was Little Dave. Kev Church had yet another solid game, Jonny W was great and Ed scored 4 goals and managed to keep his hat on for most of the game. Still, you have to say that Churchy was awesome yet again! Rumours before the game suggested that it was his 32nd birthday, but in a slight of hand typical of a Nigerian footballer, Churchy claims to be a mere 23 years old. He spent most of the game out on the left wing and put in some very dangerous crosses that had the opposition defence at full stretch, always involved in the attacks Churchy linked up brilliantly with both Daves and also went on some nice runs himself. He also got back to help in defence and, once again, proved what an excellent tackler he is. You can always rely on Churchy to put in a good shift, but he topped off a great performance with two wonderful goals. Looking like a cross between Magnum PI and Harry Enfield's scousers with the skills of Paul Scholes and Joe Cole genetically spliced into his own already considerable skills Churchy bossed the game and put in a performance that fully deserved the POTW. Well done Rich and Happy Birthday!

Match Report: Wednesday 11th August

2010-08-15T02:18:00.000-07:00

Dave's Team: 6

Sam's Team: 6

Dave's Team: Dave, Phil, Andy, Jonni, Kev, Roy

Sam's Team: Sam, Matt, Simon J, Rich, Churchy, Jason

As a few of us gathered in the foyer of Engergise, with the "new look" England team playing on the TV it appeared that we'd be playing 4-a-side and would have to ask for the pitch to be made smaller. With a few lads away on camp, Simon B up to his eyeballs in beer in Kent, Brett missing (presumably fighting crime), Buncey AWOL and Tom on a beach somewhere playing vollyball (think Top Gun) we were, once again, desperate for players.

The returning Phil picked the teams and then the Church brothers turned up to make it 5-a-side, followed shortly by Andy and Jason, so, we had 6-a-side and the prospect of an energy sapping game exploiting the space on the pitch. You can see by the score line how well the teams were picked.

The game turned out to be a fantastic contest played at a blistering pace with both teams starting strongly. For Sam's team Simon J and Churchy passing and running with the ball, with Jason upfront finding space and Sam in midfield supporting from deep. Dave's team countered this with strong defending from Jonni and Roy and Phil's box-to-box powerful runs and Dave's tricky play. Kev seemed to be popping up everywhere and Andy was a real danger from the left wing. Rich had to be strong in defence for Sam's team as Kev and Phil fashioned a few early half chances and Kev found himself wide right on a few occasions but fortunately for Sam's team the final ball was not quite there.

So, the game settled into attack-counterattack-attack mode with some fast breaks from defence and last ditch tackles. One such break found Phil running at Matt as the last defender, with Dave to his right Phil tried to slip the ball through but he put it too close to Matt's chubby leg and the pass was just cut out. Phil went mental at himself, but there was no time for that as Sam's team were suddenly the ones with the opposition's defence at full stretch.

Churchy opened the scoring with a nice finished past Jonni as the keeper ran out to block. That was one of the problems with only having 6 players - the goalkeepers were often left exposed. 1-0 was soon 2-0 when after winning a corner, Churchy played a lovely ball in along the ground and a great run from Simon left him with an easy tap in. Then Matt found himself free in the area, turned and shot but Kev made an outstanding diving save.

The 2-0 lead did not last long as Phil got a bit of space just outside the area and despite Matt attempting to close him down (which to Phil, must have felt like this) he fired in an excellent shot that flew into the bottom corner. A brilliant finish.

Phil then produced the save of the game. Simon J was played in on the left wing by Matt, but Phil charged out of his area and Simon attempted to lift the ball over him. It was a nice bit of skill but Phil (who was now outside his area) jumped up and performed a most blatant handball. Simon took the free kick quickly as Churchy had made a good run to the back post and the pass was inch perfect. Churchy hit the ball hard and low from a couple of yards out, but somehow Phil dived and kept it out. Fantastic save.

The chances and goals came think and fast and it's all a bit of a blur, but included:

A lovely goal from Sam's team: Churchy had done well on the right wing, beating a couple of players and after shrugging off the close attention from Phil, he played a peach of a ball into the box. Simon J made a great run across the box and produced a sublime dummy which fooled everyone and the ball ran to the back post where Jason was waiting and blasted in from close range.

A goal from Roy where he chipped the ball beautifully over the keeper.

A Tap in from Churchy followed by him grabbing a hat-trick with a wonderful volley into the top corner

A cool finish from Dave after a corner had been cleared, but then struck Rich on the knee sending the ball back into the box and Dave controlled well and slipped the ball past Matt's dive.

A rare goal from Matt! He picked the ball up deep in his own half and ran at Phil who was the last defender. Simon J and Jason were available on each wing, but Matt continued to run at Phil who continued to back off, then a drop of the shoulder and a left foot shot from distance from Matt led to the ball arrowing into the goal leaving the keeper rooted to the spot. It's rare to see Matt score from more that two yards!

So, it was 6-5 to Sam's team and time was running out. It looked like they would earn the win in a closely fought contest. Enter Phil McBride. He picked the ball up in the middle and ran at the defence beating about three players and letting fly with a brilliant shot. However, the ball cannoned off the foot of the post and rebounded out to a defender. The clearance should have been easy but Phil threw himself at the ball and deflected it to Roy who was waiting at the back post for the simplest of tap ins. 6-6.

Both teams went for the win but the chances dried up and "time" was called on a great game with a draw being a fair outcome. Great game lads.

Goal Of The Week: Roy's tap in, Phil run beat 3 players, hit the post, blocked the clearance and then the ball found it's way to Roy who tapped in at back post. This goal was made by Phil's relentless, bottled up anger which was threatening to burst forth like a nuclear bomb exploding in a filing cabinet. I haven't seen anger like that since Simon B last played. Classic St Paul's football.

Player Of The Week: Simon J was head and shoulders above the rest of us - pure quality. That said, no one had a bad game and there were good performances from Jonni, Roy, The Church Brothers and Phil in particular. In fact, despite his frustration Phil was very close to giving a POTW performance, it's just that Simon was so good. Like an updated, modern take on the Milky Bar Kid, Simon stands out with his skillful runs and excellent passing. He led his team brilliantly and his dummy that set up Jason's goal was awesome. One of the performances of the season. Well done Simon.

Match Report: Wednesday 4th August

2010-08-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

Brett's Team: 4 or 5
Jonni's Team: 2

Brett's Team: Brett, Churchy, Rich, Little Dave, Shaun, Jason, Barry, Ed
Jonni's Team: Jonni, Matt, Kev, Big Dave, Tuvvy, Roy, Sam, Andy T

A good evening for a game of football, although an earlier downpour had left the pitch slightly slippery and a few players lost their footing during the game. Fortunately, apart from a tiny graze on Roy's arm there were no injuries. Speaking of injuries, I was saddened earlier in the day by a Tweet from Kerron that said: "The chances of me ever playing football again are remote. Even hobbling makes my ankle swell to the size of a grapefruit!" I thought that that was a real shame, until I ran his message through the Enigma machine and it read: "Wife watching! Can't wait to get back but proceeding with caution. Milking injury while I can. Wife smells a rat. Back soon. Mum's the word. Over". So that was better news.

Tuvvy, Big Dave, Roy, Kev and Ed all returned and there was a debut for Barry and a new haircut for Jonni.

So, on to the game, Matt picked the teams and Shaun picked the ends (so that Jonni's team were facing the sun) and we kicked off with Matt and Brett in goal. Tuvvy and Big Dave were extremely fired up and started the game at full throttle attacking Brett's team with support from Roy and Andy on the wings. Rich, Little Dave and Churchy looked pretty comfortable in defence though and there were no real chances early on. Rich chopped down Andy (I think) and Big Dave took the direct free kick and (egged on by Matt in goal) had a shot, but the ball was high and wide.

Keeper change and almost immediately Matt nearly opened the scoring - a great cross from Tuvvy found him at the back post and Matt tried to direct his header in to the far corner, the keeper looked beaten but the ball went wide. It was one of those games where the defences were on top, Brett and both Riches and Sam and Jonni all mopping up any attacks that came their way. A great run from Jonni had Brett's team on the back foot and he slipped the ball to Matt whose shot cannoned off the post and went wide (Little Dave claimed he had it covered though). At the other end, Churchy was looking lively and turned Matt brilliantly and let fly with a great shot that seemed destined for the far corner but Kev got in a great block and the ball went out for a throw. Little Dave and Barry were playing well and showing some nice skills, Dave in particular was enjoying running at the defence, but clear cut chances were rare. Ed had a couple of sniffs at goal, but seemed to be having a battle to keep his hat on which was taking priority over the footy. Big Dave, Tuvvy and Roy were driving forward but the game was getting a bit scrappy in the middle and both teams seemed reluctant to keep the ball on the floor.

Then the breakthrough, a peach of a ball from Brett over the defence and Little Dave made a great run. Tuvvy, in goal, neglected to come out and catch the ball, instead deciding to wait for the ball to come to him to kick, but Dave nipped in a touched the ball past him. It was a good goal though and Tuvvy made amends a short time later pulling off a fantastic reflex save from a powerful shot.

Jonni's team were throwing all their efforts into getting an equaliser and leaving Sam and Jonni more and more exposed in defence. Kev was looking busy and was involved in most of the attacks, I was convinced he'd scored when the ball broke to him in the area and a lovely flick beat Rich in goal, but Rich somehow managed to reach back and pluck the ball out of the air - a great save. Matt went on a run and after beating a couple of players and faced a back pedalling Brett, Roy ran past on the overlap and screamed at Matt for the ball. Matt shot. The ball flew high and wide and Roy went mental - like a three year old who had just been told to turn off Toy Story because it was bedtime. I honestly thought he was either going to punch Matt or have some kind of cerebral aneurysm. It was like watching that Angry German Kid on YouTube, but directed by Tarantino. Matt was so scared he did a little sick in his mouth.

Andy had been playing well on the left wing and he had a nice run, beat the defender, but the angle was too tight and his shot hit the side netting. Then it was Sam's turn to go close. After a scramble in the area Sam won the ball and struck a lovely dipping shot which had the keeper well beaten but the ball went inches wide - so close! Would this goal ever come?

Committing most of their players to go in search of an equaliser had left Jonni's team pretty stretched at the back and with Shaun, Jason and Ed all lurking up front and Churchy and Little Dave relishing the chance to break quickly the chances did come and it was soon 2-0, then 3-0, with Dave grabbing another and I think Barry scored on his debut.

Then the goal that Jonni's team deserved finally came. After a good corner from Tuvvy the ball pinballed around in the area before falling to Kev who hit an unstoppable shot into the top corner. A goal Kev deserved after his hard work. However, a quick break from Brett's team found Ed who, having sort out all his hat woes, controlled the ball nicely and finished brilliantly from distance. A nice finish. Shortly afterwards Little Dave completed his hat-trick and somehow Jonni's team found themselves on the end of a thrashing.

Matt went on another run and, again, found Brett in his path. Having learnt from (and been mentally scarred by) his mistake last time, he knocked the ball through to Roy, who hit it first time and slotted the ball into the bottom corner. There's a lesson in there somewhere. Roy suddenly burst into song and started singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" - a noble stance but Brett ensured that there was no way Jonni's team would score again by letting absolutely nothing by him for the rest of the game. That song reminded me of the final scene in the Sopranos where Tony gets murdered, at least, I think he did, or did he? Yeah, he definitely did, well, probably.

There was still time for Kev to produce an outstanding goal line clearance from Little Dave, but Jonni's team had run out of time. At the end Jonny W turned up in his dad jeans, the ball rolled to him and he nearly tripped over it, declaring happily "I've still got it". He has, I'm just not sure exactly what "it" is.

Goal Of The Week: Kev Church's goal was nice as was Roy's, but Ed's finish was excellent and he wins this week's GOTW. Well done Ed.

Player Of The Week: Not that many outstanding performances this week. For Jonni's team, Jonni stood out, he had a great game in defence and was involved in most of the attacks too and never gave up. Kev also played really well. For Brett's team, Churchy and Little Dave were both great. Churchy is still one of our best tacklers and he can also run with the ball and was unlucky with a couple of shots. Can't really separate the Church brothers this week, but Kev did score. Little Dave was full of energy and it is a nightmare to get the ball off him. Some of his runs were sublime and you can't really argue with a hat-trick. However, once again, Brett put in an outstanding performance in defence. He was just impossible to get past for the whole game. He cut out any long balls and won the ball every time he went in for it. He's so fast and strong in the tackle that when he takes the ball off you it like being hit by a drag racing monster truck. His pass to Dave for the opening goal was superb and even when his team fashioned a decent lead he kept his discipline and stayed back in defence to ensure Jonni's team had no way back. He looks like Michael Keaton as batman to me, but probably prefers the blue & white of Sheffield Wednesday to the batsuit, he's probably quicker than Batman too. Like a more ruthless and less grumpy version of his drinking buddy (Phil McBride), Brett leads his team well and shows no mercy to the oppositions attackers. A great game Brett, well done.

Match Report: Wednesday 28th July

2010-07-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

Tom's Team 3
Brett's Team 5

Tom's Team: Tom, Jason, Dave, Andy, Steve G, Simon J, Jonni
Brett's Team: Brett, Matt, Churchy, Rich, Sam, Shaun, Steve J

After a week of stressing that we wouldn't have enough players for a game due to holidays we actually ended up with quite a healthy 7-a-side. There was a debut for Dave's mate Andy and Simon J, Tom and Steve G all returned. The missing list read: Phil, Simon B, Will G, Tuvvy, Kev, Dave C, Paul, Jonny, Ed, Andy T, Buncey and Roy (yes, and STILL Kerron) which is a half decent team! Anyway, after arriving a little earlier than normal, paying and joining Jonni, Shaun and Jason to wait the foyer was suddenly full of hundreds of young ladies after some kind of "leg, bums and tums" festival. I can see why those three get there so early now! Brett turned up with a brand new ball, which turned out to be pretty good.

Enough waffle, on to the game...

Jason and Matt started in goal for their respective teams and Tom's team were straight into attack, catching Brett's team napping and disorganised in defence. Matt made a couple of early saves and Tom's team won a number of corners that, as normal, came to nothing. It wasn't long before Dave, who was looking lively, found some space in the area and after exchanging passes with Simon, fired the ball low past Matt and it was 1-0. Brett was doing a good job of getting his team to wake up and look a bit more organised at the back and he started a couple of attacks that ultimately led to nothing, but the signs were there. Simon J, Steve G, Andy and Jonni were linking well on the right and with Dave running everywhere and Tom plugging the holes at the back the signs were ominous for Brett's team. Sure enough, Jonni broke through on the right and slotted a nice goal past Matt into the far corner. After a couple of nice saves early on Matt had let in two goals in quick succession and it was time for a keeper change.

Brett's Team started to hit back and they crafted a few good chances for Shaun in quick succession. Firstly, Matt crossed in from the right and Shaun got a head to the ball that looped over Tom but didn't dip enough and went over, to be fair to Tom, I think he had it covered. Then after Churchy and Steve J had linked well, Shaun turned well in the area but couldn't keep his shot down and the ball flew over. Finally, after another attack, the ball feel to Shaun who smashed it past Tom but the ball hit the bar and was cleared. The signs were there though.

With both teams going for it, the game opened up a bit, although, it was played in a strangely subdued atmosphere, with hardly any talking between the players... it was eerily like playing in a morgue. I guess all the loud mouths (i.e. teachers) are on holiday. Rich and Sam looked solid at the back for Brett's team and Tom and Jonni had looked comfortably in control for Tom's team, but the chances did come. Brett crossed in a lovely corner which found Churchy at the back post and his header beat the keeper but went wide of the far post. Dave and Simon were a real handful and Steve G and Jonni were linking well and Sam had to make a couple of good saves.

Finally a break though: Matt played the ball into Churchy who was in the middle and Steve made a great run on the right wing, Churchy looked to have slightly over hit the pass but Steve reached it and pulled the ball back leaving Matt with the simplest of tap ins (although we have seen him miss them in the past!) to make it 2-1.

Then Shaun found his scoring boots. Having had a few half chances and a couple of chances he will think he should have done better with, Shaun suddenly ripped Tom's team apart with a quick-fire hat-trick. Three quality finishes after great work from Churchy, Brett and Steve J - Brett's team led 4-2 and Tom's team's 2-0 advantage was a distant memory. More goals looked on the cards, with Steve J hitting the post and Churchy heading over from a great corner taken by Steve. Matt also had a chance, but could not keep his shot down and the ball ballooned over the bar. To add insult to injury Brett was better placed and screaming for a pass. Matt then he tried one of his overhead kicks and the ball went miles wide and he just looked daft, like a blubbery walrus in a tumble dryer.

Tom's team were still attacking well though and Steve Gagg got a third, slotting the ball beautifully past Churchy to put them back in the game. Jonni set Jason up a few times with some great crosses from the right wing but he couldn't force the ball home. Matt then started messing around with the ball in defence and Steve Gagg nicked it off him and ran through. However, Steve scuffed his shot, seemingly kicking the floor rather than the ball and the ball went harmlessly wide. A great chance wasted and Steve looked disgusted, like a man who's just got home from the tattooist, looked in the mirror and discovered he's had Ann Widdecombe drawn on his buttock instead of the Tottenham cockerel that he asked for. Churchy also made a great save from Jonni, tipping the ball wide from a fierce shot.

Poor old Dave then blocked a through ball with, erm, his most delicate area. As he slowly sank to his knees, grimacing in pain, small beads of sweat appeared on his brow, the light in his eyes started to fade and a strange garbled noise escaped from his mouth. An exact replica of Phil McBride after half a cider.

Matt replaced Churchy in goal and immediately was forced into a save, tipping Dave's low shot onto the post at full stretch (so close!). Tom then turned brilliantly on the right to get a bit of space but his shot was a nice height for Matt who turned it away. Shortly afterwards Andy was played in but Matt ran out and the shot hit him and went out for a corner. Steve Gagg beat Matt with a fantastic shot, but it clipped Rich and hit the bar and went over. It was an important period of the game because, not long afterwards Steve J added a 5th for Brett's team and they had the game sown up. There was just enough time for Churchy to dazzle us all with a outstanding turn past Jonni which left the defender rooted to the spot blinking in confusion and then "time" was called and that was that. So, 8 goals this week and the spectre of last week's 0-0 well and truly vanquished. Good game lads.

Goal Of The Week: Shaun's hat trick was great, but Jonni's finish past Matt was absolutely sublime and gave the keeper no chance. Great goal Jonni.

Player Of The Week: A few contenders this week. Shaun scored a hat-trick and ran for every ball, causing Tom's defence problems all game. Steve J and Simon J showed their normal brilliant skill and work-rate. Brett, Rich, Tom and Sam were all outstanding in defence and Steve G and Jonni both had excellent games. This week though was a real return to form for Rich Church. He has been playing a lot better for the last few games and this time round he was the difference between the two teams. A fantastic tackler with a great football brain, Rich had spells in midfield and out wide. He was involved in most of his team's goals and was unlucky with his two headers. Looking like a young Bob Carolgees in a football kit Rich bossed the game and once again laid claim to be the Church Household's best player award. We'll see how Kev responds next week. Great game Rich!

Match Report: Wednesday 21st July

2010-07-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ed's Bibs: 0
Woody's Colours: 0

Bibs – Matt, Simon, Sam, Dave, Jonny, Ed, Roy, Buncey
Colours – Woody, Brett, Phil, Rich C, Kev, Rich, Shaun, Jason, Towney

If a week is a long time in politics, 4 days was an eternity in St Pauls football…and this game came right from the deepest darkest corner of eternity. If it had been a boxing match it would’ve been called “The fight where no punch was landed”; in golfing terms we’d still be on the first having either failed to hit the ball or lost it or buried it in a bunker…you get the point: it was like a new born baby – toothless.

After the heroic defeat on Saturday, a number of that squad turned up to demonstrate the skills and effort they had put into the game; a large number of players were missing, Will, Big Dave, Tuvvy, Steves Sav Gagg and J, not to mention the Morrisons crew of Gavin, Jason et al. Brett picked sides, and off we went. Phil was fired-up and looking for blood as Matt had dared to take the mickey out of his beloved Sheffield Utd's sacred song about chip butties. [I won't be doing that again! - Matt]

It was Dave and Ed who began the brightest for bibs, setting up most of their attacking moves. Freed from right back, Jonny pushed forward, and freed from left back, Roy pushed up front. Brett, new Rich, Kev and Phil defended well and managed to mop up most of the danger, but the outlet passes just weren’t happening for colours and the ball kept coming back at them. I would like to say that Woody pulled off save after save in net but to be honest, he never got a sniff.

Then a controversial moment in the opening exchanges. Matt Young picked the ball up 15 yards out and ghosted past Phil. His acceleration took him clear but suddenly he stopped and fell to the ground like a Spanish midfielder including with the three point roll and gesture. The cause may have been Phil’s reaction of grabbing a small amount of Matt’s bib (and shirt, training top and pound of flesh). Bibs were up in arms – a clear goal scoring chance denied. Strangely, non-one called for Phil to be sent off for 5 minutes and the game continued with a free kick.

Simon quickly called keeper change and keen to score the opener, he pushed onto the front line to exact revenge. All this actually did was free up space in his own defence and encouraged by Woody’s calls of “This is rubbish” and “No-one’s moving – why aren’t you helping each other out?” the colours began to mount attacks. Yet, no goal was forthcoming. In boredom Phil smashed the ball into Acomb and had to set off to get it. While he was gone, there were no chances. In fact, chances were so few and far between that Woody had taken to sitting in the penalty area to yell abuse at his players. His lack of movement out of goal (because he has a poorwy ankle) meant his team were getting tired, whilst the bibs rotation policy of “Next” as soon as a keeper had arrived, was keeping them fresh.
Dave had a good curling shot saved by Woody
.
Darkness began to fall...the floodlights had no intention of illuminating the game – maybe they had fallen asleep watching.

Jason had an opportunity blocked well by Dave, Sam was playing well again in defence, Ed was playing a blinder, not only wide and stretching the colours but he was dispossessing any attack that Phil was trying to muster. Buncey looked like he might have found the perfect match – space, movement and planty of runners in Jonny, Dave and Simon. The only problem was that every time he got the ball and began to look dangerous one or two Churches descended on him – never a pretty sight.

Brett got bored and went up front. Then came back as he realised that no-one was left in defence.

Ed pulled off a fantastic save from a curling effort from Rich C and at that point we should’ve said – You know what guys – this is going to stay 0-0. If only we’d said that – we could’ve saved ourselves 20 mins of Woody shouting “You’re going to make history you bunch of losers” every 2 mins from his position sitting on the crossbar.
Dave then set up Simon with the move of the game – drifting past both Churches and Brett, he timed his pass to Simon past the outstretched foot of Phil, only for Woody to scamper out of his area and block (and just in case we’d forgotten his poorwy ankle, he gave a little yelp)

Dave then turned defender to block Phil when quite frankly Emile Heskey would’ve shot quicker – however, a great block and STILL 0-0.

Then the chance of the game – Towney, who had been switching wings with Rich C all evening dinked a great ball in to Phil standing on his lonesome on the back post. Only Matt Young to beat with his diving header……the world stood still….Phil sensed glory and closed his eyes……connection……only for Matt to avenge the earlier travesty of justice and prove that, just like Neville Southall, fat keepers can dive and he tipped the ball over – just like THAT save of Gordon Banks in 1970.

By now bats were flying around although a quick check of Roy’s wallet meant it was getting dark and not that he was seeing if he’s brought his match fees.

Bibs pushed forward in a seemingly suicidal bid to win it and it nearly paid off as Roy saw his effort pull across goal. However, as before this meant that they were light at the back and Sam had to pull off a great tackle to deny Shaun who up until now had been a talisman up front holding the ball and moving to allow others space. Towney tried his luck from the right, only to see his cross go all the way through without a sniff from Colours.
Woody was getting desperate in his desire for a goal and, proving that he has been faking for weeks, set off on a mazy run….only to lose the ball in centre midfield and hare it back (poowy ankle my a**e) to goal before the shot came in.

Eventually Simon and Phil called a truce (it really was that kind of night) and a 0-0 draw was agreed. The stats would make depressing reading – I think bibs had 3 shots on target, colours 4. So, history was made, the first ever 0-0 at Oaklands on a Wednesday evening, let's hope it doesn't happen again.

I will however, leave the last word to Jason who – having been shouted at by his own team mate Phil, yelled at by Woody and chastised by Matt was heard to say “I thought this was meant to be a Christian thing and people have taken it too seriously”. Too right and I for one apologise [yeah, me too, really sorry about my language! - Matt].

~~Goal~~ Save of the Game: Matt’s amazing one handed reflex tip over the bar from a point blank header. Superb and lesser mortals would have got no where near it. A great save Matt – well done

Player of the week: A tough call – a game dominated by defenders again. Rich C ran and ran as did Towney who both were influential in their teams performance. Brett played solidly again and couldn’t be faulted for his positional sense and breaks from the back. Dave again broke everything up and looked to attack when he could and Sam played well again in defence for bibs. But man of the match goes to Ed. He used his brain to move from wing to wing but also held the central area when he needed to; he defended from the front and tackled men older than him on countless occasions (darn him!!). He also played some really neat simple passes. And he kept his hat on for the full 60 mins. Good work Ed – well done.

Match Report by Phil McBride

Match Report: Saturday 17th July

2010-07-18T04:49:00.000-07:00

St Pauls 2
Acomb Gateway 3

A fine day for a game of football and St Paul's took their 3-game unbeaten run to Global (the old manor school) to face new league team, Acomb Gateway. Our first game on grass and our first game without the talismanic Woody in the centre of the field. With other names such as, Will G, Steve J, Jonny W, Dave C and Steve Sav missing St Paul's were down to the bare bones and fielded a squad of 12 (with the 12th man carrying an injury) and there were debuts for Jonni Brown and Carbs and Matt Wright returned to centre midfield for his first game since the 12-3 drubbing of York Herts.

St Paul's lost the toss and started the game kicking uphill and lined up as follows:

GK: Kev Church
LB: Jonni Brown
CB: Phil McBride (C)
CB: Matt Young
RB: Roy Gibson
LM: Rich Church
CM: Tom Haigh
CM: Matt Wright
RM: Steve Gagg
ST: Simon Bissett
ST: Andrew Carberry

with Simon playing just infront of the two centre midfielders, despite having at least 11 players unavailable, it was still a pretty strong line-up.

Gateway kicked off and imediately put the St Paul's defence under pressure. Phil barked orders and organised the team well and Tom and Matt W battled well in midfield. Tom had a minor spat with the referee and was told not to argue (despite the ref telling Tom he agreed with him and he'd made a mistake). Gateway, had bags of pace and their number 7 (who played on the left wing) was causing alot of problems for Roy and Matt Y. The number 9 was also a real handfull and Matt Y was lucky not to give away a penalty after the number 9 had got ahead of him at a corner. Matt saw the number 9 would get a head on the ball so gave him a firm nudge in the back which sent him flying under the ball and the danger was cleared. Stonewall penalty, but Matt somehow got away with it.

The onslaught continued and, despite some good defending the breakthrough came after about 15 minutes and it was a goal St Paul's will think they should not have conceded. Matt Y tried to clear but the ball rebounded off an attacker and ran through, then Roy tried to clear but again the ball hit an attacker, hit Kev, hit Roy and ran beyond Kev where the number 9 was waiting and tapped into the empty net. An avoidable goal, if Matt had just wellied it out for a throw when he had the chance. These are the moments when you realise you can't play an 11-a-side like you play at Oaklands on a Wednesday evening. If only Matt had listened to Alan Hansen all these years and played "percentages". Still, it would be hard to say Gateway didn't deserve their lead. 1-0 soon became 2-0 (I'm afraid I can't remember their second goal) and this prompted Phil to switch things around a bit. Brett came on for Roy and slotted into the centre back role, with Matt switching to right-back. However, this change only lasted for about 5 minutes as, after winning a header, Phil landed badly on his knee and was forced off. So, Matt switched back to centre back, Pretty Boy Bissett dropped to right back and Roy went to right midfield with Steve Gagg pushing into a more attacking role.

When St Paul's did put an attack together, they seemed to peter out and it really wasn't happening for them up front. This was despite the hard work that Tom, Matt W, Rich C, Carbs, Simon and Steve put in. The whole team worked hard, communication was good and the defending pretty solid with Gateway only managing a couple of half chances for the rest of the half. Simon was having a tough time marking the number 7, but a combination of good tackling, surreptitious tripping and the most blatant push in the back ever (which Simon claims never happened) meant that Simon just about had the upperhand.

Then, on about 40 minutes, Matt Wright found a bit of space and tried his luck from long range. He unleashed a great shot that had the keeper totally beaten but the ball hit the post and rebounded across the goal, Carbs had done well to follow up and got to the ball but, from a tight angle, scuffed his shot and the keeper gladly gathered the ball up.

So, the first half came to an end, Gateway led 2-0 and to be fair, the first half had been all about Gateway attacking and St Paul's defending. There was not much to say at half time. No one was playing badly, the defence looked solid, Tom and Matt were doing great in the centre. So, Phil swapped the tactics round a bit and asked the team to hit the channels more where Rich and Roy would be, he asked Carbs to hold the ball up and look for the wingers runs and there wasn't much more to say.

I think the second half we lined up as follows:

GK: Kev Church
LB: Phil McBride (C)
CB: Brett Harrison
CB: Matt Young
RB: Simon Bissett
LM: Rich Church
CM: Tom Haigh
CM: Matt Wright
RM: Roy Gibson
ST: Steve Gagg
ST: Andrew Carberry

St Paul's played much better in the second half and were getting more joy in attack, especially down the left wing where Rich Church was giving Gateway's right-back a torrid time. Brett was outstanding in defence and nothing was getting past him and Phil. On the right side of defence Simon was winning his battle against their nippy number 7. The chances came for St Paul's: Carbs headed over after a great corner from Rich, then he had a volley from distance that wasn't far over. Jonni hit the tree, which was hilarious, but at least St Paul's were getting some shots in. Gateway were still attacking but the defence was pretty much in control.

Then St Paul's were awarded a free kick some distance out. Tom checked with the ref that it was a direct free-kcick and then, when the whistle blew, he launched an audacious free kick over the goalkeeper's head and into the bad of the net. "I'll have that" said Tom - great goal and St Paul's were back in it.

A clash of heads in the middle of the park between Matt W and Gateway's influencial number 8 led to a huge delay and both players being subbed. Gateway's player had a nasty looking cut on the back of his head. Matt W, being from Devon, just blinked a couple of times and said "Ouch, proper job, feel like i've downed a couple o jars of scrumpy, my lover..." Anyway, Phil moved into midfield and Jonni moved back to left-back.

Then disaster, just when St Paul's were thinking they would surely get an equaliser, Matt Y got sucked out of position and a poor challenge meant that their centre midfielder had the ball and the number 9 was completely unmarked. The ball was played wide to the lightning fast number 7 and he beat Simon and crossed in for the unmarked number 9 to smash the ball home. Kev had no chance. Shortly afterward, Gateway broke again and fashioned a good chance. Kev parried the powerful shot up into the air and just when it looked like it was going to drop over the line, he managed to turn and grab it - a great save. At 4-1 St Paul's would have been dead and buried.

A corner for St Paul's led to their second goal. Roy found himself free in the area and decided to gamble with a run to the near post. Jonni hit a low corner in and Roy was there to tap it past the keeper from virtually on the goal line. A good goal and St Paul's were back in the game. Rich Church continued to create chances and, Matt W (back on the pitch) and Carbs were linking well and it looked like a matter of time before St Paul's would grab an equaliser. Rich hit the bar with a cross/shot and both Carbs and Matt W had powerful shots blocked by the defence. A misplaced header from their centre back nearly caught out the keeper, but he did well to scramble back and make the save.

At the other end Gateway fashioned a good chance from a well worked move but their (now bandaged up) number 8 put the chance over when he looked certain to score.

The game ended 3-2 to Gateway, while I think they fully deserved the win, I do think that a draw would also have been a fair result after St Paul's much improved second half performance. It was a good match played in a good spirit and I wish Gateway good luck in their forthcoming league campaign.

After the game, in the subdued atmosphere of the changing rooms, Tom tried to kill us all with Legionnaire's Disease by turning on the 100 year old showers with their stagnant, disease ridden, brackish water. "It's OK" he said "I didn't put my head in!" and it was off to the Fox to drown our sorrows.

Player Ratings:

Kev Church: Always a reliable, safe pair of hands. There was nothing Kev could do about any of the goals. He made an outstanding save in the second half and his kicking was much improved in this game. We are lucky to have a natural keeper in our team and Kev, once again, proved he's easily our first choice. Rating: Gordon Banks

Jonni Brown: A good debut from Jonni who only knew he was playing on Wednesday. One of our new players he quickly settled into our Wednesday night football matches and gave a good performance at left-back. Solid and reliable in defence, he also took the corner that led to Roy's goal and can, hand-on-heart, say with a clear conscience that he was the only player to hit the tree after an effort on goal. Good game Jonni. Rating: Nigel Winterburn

Brett Harrison: Outstanding debut, especially considering he was carrying an injury. Brett came on midway through the first-half and was rock solid for the rest of the game. Absolute quality defender and Gateway never got past him. Looking forward to seeing a fully fit Brett partnering Phil in a dream centre-back pairing. Rating: Des Walker

Phil McBride: Like Brett, Phil was like a rock in defence. In the first half (before being forced off) he won everything, even producing a first class sliding tackle when it looked like on of their strikers had finally got past him. Phil claims that he's not really a captain, but that's, frankly, a load of rubbish. Like Tom, he's a natural leader that the team look to and he did a great job of captaining the side. He also knew exactly what to do to change the fortunes of the team in the second half showing he has an eye for the game too. First class performance by phil and St Paul's Man Of The Match. Well done Phil. Rating: Phil Jagielka

Matt Y: Probably Matt's best game for St Paul's. Will no doubt blame himself for the 1st and 3rd goals, but looked reasonably solid at the back and was pleased to win a couple of battles with the number 7. Was lucky not to concede a penalty early on in the first half. Rating: Carlton Palmer

Roy Gibson: tough tackling Roy was given a real test early in the first half by the lightning fast Gateway attack. Still did well though and had a great game in the second half on the wing. Scored his first goal for St Paul's and it was thoroughly deserved. Great game Roy. Rating: Ashley Cole

Rich Church: Brilliant game from Churchy. Was a contender for Man Of The Match and only missed out because Phil was so good. Rich battled well in the first half, but it was the second half when he ran the Gateway right-back ragged. He was unlucky when hit hit the bar and also when a couple of half-chances didn't quite fall for him. Top class performance. Rating: Kevin Sheedy

Tom Haigh: Great game again from Tom. He's scored in every match he's played for St Paul's, which is outstanding when you consider a) he's a right-back by trade and b) how bad his penalty was in the last match. Tom battled hard all game and played really well in the middle alongside Matt Wright. Didn't put a foot wrong all game and didn't deserve to be on the losing side. Rating: Juninho

Matt Wright: Matt is quality. He brought a bit of steel to the St Paul's midfield and had an outstanding game. Tough tackling and always looking for the ball with a nice range of passing. Matt won everything that came near him in midfield and was really unlucky with his shot that hit the post. He also had a chance in the second half that a defender did well to block. Great game Matt. Rating: Roy Keane

Steve Gagg: Genius footballer, did really well on the right in a game that didn't really suit Steve's intelligent passing game. Ran himself into the ground and ended up with cramp. Didn't put a foot wrong and should be very happy with his performance. Rating: Joe Cole

Carbs: Carbs did well, battling all of the first half but never getting the break he deserved. In the second half Carbs came alive and thrived on Phil's new tactics. Holding the ball up brilliantly and bringing Rich and Roy into play on the wings. Carbs had a few chances and was unlucky not to score. A great debut for St Paul's. Rating: Dimitar Berbatov

Simon Bissett: Simon hardly saw the ball in the fist half when he was playing just infront of Tom and Matt W such was Gateway's dominance. A switch to right-back ensured that Simon was one of the busier players for the rest of the game. When you consider just how good their number 7 was Simon did an outstanding job of defending against him. Was also influential in attack, taking a number of throw ins (and one foul throw like a netball throw!) and getting Roy moving down the right. Great game Simon. Rating: Gary Stevens

Match Report: Wednesday 14th July

2010-07-15T03:40:00.000-07:00

Matt’s non-bibs: 3
Buncie’s bibs: 3

Matt’s non-bibs: Matt, Big Dave, Will, Rich C, Little Dave, Tom, Pretty boy, Roy, Sam
Buncie’s bibs: Rich B, Kev C, Brett, Jonny, Steve J, Paul, Towney, Ed, Phil

Remember the good old days of hard fought matches? The likes of Viera vrs Keane going at it from the first whistle? Well this week’s encounter at Oaklands proved to be up there with them.

After last weeks shambolic team picking, Matt passed the buck of responsibility to Phil, who dutifully put the non-bibs a man up until Steve J arrived and, like a child who’s just got his Buzz Lightyear toy for Christmas, handed Steve a bib. Cue groans all round from Will, Pretty boy and the rest of the non-bibs. The teams lined up like gladiators – possibly because it seemed everyone wanted to play defence and with Tuvvy, Steve Sav, Gavin and Jason all missing, maybe that was the case.

The match started with more respect than when Aretha Franklin played R.E.S.P.E.C.T. at the Respect concert in 1978 (may not be true). Plenty of good movement and passing, but the defences stood firm. Then, the opening goal – a lovely move through the middle, found Little Dave at the end of the gorgeous cross from PB and his finish was left to fly into the top corner by a quite frankly useless Phil in net. 1-0.

Risen from their stupor like a boxer who’d been jabbing and suddenly hit with a big right, the bibs began to build some kind of attack – only for non-bibs to break, Pretty Boy to drive a cross and Rich C get his head onto it – or was that, Rich C to get hit by a powerful shot-cum-cross? Either way, the ball flew over the bar and Rich C had claret to show for his efforts of the night. Rumour has it that he then headed into town to show off his wounds to any poor lass that ventured up to him to say “You poor puppy, what happened to you?” (possibly not true either)

Then the turning point of the game: As previously mentioned, Steve J arrived, took control of bibs and slid a lovely pass across to Towney arriving on the back post like a bearded ghost and slid the ball past a helpless Tom – 1-1.
The game was on a knife edge, Tom, Big Dave and Roy playing a great game in their half but unable to free the marauding Pretty Boy while Paul, Kev and Brett continued to try to free Ed and Towney. The teams on the match before had widened the pitch considerably which meant loads more room and didn’t feel as crowded as usual. Both teams were trying the expansive passing game, although Matt did manage one pass from right back that managed to sail into the net of the next pitch to his left – maybe a little too expansive, but that kind of pass will be needed on Saturday for the next big game.

It seemed to stay like this for about 20mins; and in that time non-bibs did most of the pressing. They had hundreds of corners – all repelled by Brett on his own. Then they got the break through they were looking for – Will, finally freed from his shackles at the back, drove forward. Bibs left trailing in his wake, he doesn’t normally wait for an invitation to shoot and this was no exception. As he let fly you could almost hear Jonny in net running away and the ball fairly screamed into the top corner. I’m sure everyone there will agree: goal of the game and 2-1 non-bibs.

Like a proper game of football though, having just scored, non-bibs went to sleep and almost immediately it was level again. This time Ed was given far too much room in the box, yet his finish past Sam was clinical and well deserved. Ed is beginning to show real signs of the kind of wing play of olden days – good close control, and ability to pass and move and now he’s finishing too – watch out Rich C, your place in the 11-a-side may well be under threat!
Another long period of stalemate developed and the evenness of the sides meant that they canceled each other out. Then a nice goal – and again non-bibs took the lead. As Matt texted me last night “Me to Will, will to churchy, nice control and slotted past Andy”. Our manager has a good memory for positive things that don’t involve him, and who am I to argue?

All looked lost for bibs – time was running out; Tom was marshaling his defensive line of Simon B, Sam and Will well and bibs were short of creativity. However, they had not counted for the non-bibs ability to hold onto a lead – about as good as Phil’s ability to hold onto his temper. The keeper rolled it to Tom, who was immediately pounced upon by Steve J. Various bits of skill were attempted by Tom to shake him off, but Steve had his prey locked tight in his metaphorical jaws. In the end, with much muttering, Tom fell over and Steve, bearing down on the keeper even had time to jump in the air and click his heels together three times whilst saying “There’s no place like home” before slotting the third equaliser of the game.

There was hardly time for Little Dave to try a speculative long range effort before the call of “Time gentlemen please” (a comment that always has Matt in tears, no matter where the location) and a 3-3 draw was written into history.
A really good game – lots of space meant that we had time to demonstrate how much better we have become. More importantly, despite some good crunching tackles, no-one was injured so Saturday’s match is a go-er!

Goal of the Game – See above and read the report instead of skimming to the end you lazy so-and-so

Man of the match – As usual a tough call. Brett was on hand to block most things and Steve J bossed the midfield for bibs. Paul and Kev played a great holding role. For non-bibs, Will and Tom looked extremely assured at the back, and PB had plenty to say (and sometimes in encouragement). However, Little Dave had a great game. He scored, intercepted and generally created lots of chances for non-bibs. Often, bibs found themselves with a good chance, only for LD to nip in and steal the ball. A quality performance Dave – well done.

Match Report by Phil McBride

Match Report: Wednesday 7th July

2010-07-09T04:23:00.000-07:00

Buncey's Team: A Lot!
Gav's Team: 4 (ish)

Buncey's Team: Buncey, Jonny W, Jonny 2, Ed, Andy, Kev, Matt, Tom, Scott,Brett, Simon J
Gav's Team: Gavin, Will, Steve J, Simon B, Dave, Tuvvy, Shaun, Jason F, Roy, Rich C

It was a warm, humid evening at Oaklands and I arrived to find a queue of about 78 women all clamouring for access to some kind of thigh toning extravaganza. Bad timing - decided to pay for the pitch afterwards so it was straight out to the pitch and teams were picked.

Turns out the game was one of the most one side affairs Oaklands has ever witnessed, so I apologise for that, I will get it right next time (by getting someone else to pick teams!). It was great to see Brett back from a long injury. I don't think the ankle is quite right yet, but he was getting so bored with the gym he decided it was time to return. Roy, Buncey, Simon J, Tom and Dave were all back and with Scott making his debut we had one of the biggest turnouts for a while. Glad we didn't have to fed them all (Jonny had left his loaves and fishes at home).

It was a mental game, played at 100 miles an hour with about a thousand goals (might be exaggerating just a little here) and I’m afraid remembering individual highlights has proved difficult for my aging brain! You know those games you had at lunch time in Primary School where all the players chase the ball so you end up just running around in a huge gang? Well, parts of this game were like that.

Buncey’s team took the lead after a few minutes through, I think, Jonny and it wasn’t long after that that Brett marked his returned with a nice finished after a rare foray into the opposition’s goal area. Brett was having a storming game at the back and Will, Steve J and Gav were finding it difficult to get past him, Jonny 2 and Tom in defence. Steve J is quality though and with Tuvvy and Dave as target men and Shaun making good runs around the box the chances did come. Is Steve J the new George Best? Maybe George Best was the old Steve J!

Space was at a premium, but that did not stop Jonny running with the ball at every opportunity. He has great control and causes the defence real headaches, however, he is still prone to take on one player too many when there’s a pass available. That said, great work from Jonny led to Buncey having the easiest of opportunities and just like the crisp thief Gary Lineker, Buncey tapped in from about 3 inches out. They all count though and that made it 4-1 to Buncey’s Team.

Tuvvy had a sniff at goal when a ball across the box just evaded him by a matter of millimetres, Gavin had a great volley saved by Jonny and Steve had a great long range effort drift just wide. Both teams also hit the ball over then fence more than normal and Kev, Buncey and Matt all missed easy chances when getting underneath the ball and blasting over. Matt’s miss prompted Simon B to tell his keeper not to worry about trying when Matt shoots as “it’s never going to be on target”. A view that was strengthened when Tom found Matt from a corner and Matt blasted wide with the ball coming off his shin-pad. Simon B looked at Matt and laughed.

Ed and Andy were playing well on the let wing and Ed had a couple of shots saved by the keeper and also, one lovely shot that beat the keeper but clipped the top of the crossbar. Buncey grabbed a second and also was twice hacked down, once by Jason and once by the iron-shined Roy Gibson. Buncey sat on the floor, arms wide appealing to the imaginary referee.

The goals came think and fast, with Jonny, Tom and Simon J all getting on the score sheet, what the score was though is anyone’s guess. (Simon B’s guess would probably be 4-3 to Gav’s Team). Speaking of Gavin, he had a cracking shot from distance that beat the keeper but struck the underside of the bar and bounced out. Only one cry of “goal-line technology” shows how quickly we’ve moved on from Frank Lampard’s “goal” and how we have probably already started to delude ourselves that Euro 2012 is in the bag.

Matt tried volleying a long ball into the goal but hit it so far wide he may as well have not bothered, cue more mocking from Simon B. Then, a moment to savour. Rich Church passed a goal kick to Simon B who just stood there ball watching. I mean, I was convinced he was going to set up an easel and do a nice watercolour of the pass. Matt simply picked the ball up before it reached the slumbering Janner and took a couple of touches before slotting past Will in goal. Pretty Boy was quiet. Matt grinned. That’s karma.

There was still time for Buncey to complete a well deserved hat-trick and then we called time on possibly the most one-sided game ever. However, it has to be said that Gavin, Will, Steve J, Simon B, Dave, Tuvvy, Shaun, Jason F, Roy and Rich C all played well. It’s was just one of those games where nothing was going for them. The extra player on Buncey’s team really counted. Let’s hope for a more even contest next time out and then a good performance against Acomb Gateway in the 11-a-side.

Goal Of The Week: Nearly picked myself, purely because of the look on Pretty Boy's face when I scored. However, Buncey scored a great goal, beating a couple of players and then curling the ball past Gavin's dive into the bottom corner of the goal. It was cool, clinical finish.
Great goal Buncey.

Player Of The Week: There were a few good performances as always. Steve J and Will played well, Steve particularly never stopped running and showed some fantastic skills. Brett was brilliant and looked like he'd never been away. Jonny had some great runs and made a couple of nice saves. Jonny 2 had a solid game in defence. Simon J had a great game both in defence and attack. Buncey was full of his usual tricks and scored some nice goals. Rich Church never let his head drop and had a great game in defence, he is an awesome tackler. Tuvvy and Tom both had great games too. This week though I'm going to give POTW to Simon Bissett. Simon normally likes to play up front but this week realised he was needed in defence and spent almost the entire game defending brilliantly and barking orders at his team. He was often left isolated at the back but still defended like a rabid butcher’s dog and made it difficult for Buncey’s team to score. A right-back by trade Simon should perhaps spend more time in defence as he’s quality and made some great blocks and tackles. It was nice to see the often, erm, volatile Devon temper kept in check and a more mellow performance from Simon despite the circumstances. Late in the game he went and played on the right up-front and did well there too. A key member of the St Paul’s team, Simon’s consistently good performances often go upraised with a more flashy, younger player stealing the limelight, not this week though. Denied his partner in crime (Phil McBride) Simon worked hard to marshal his defence and was only to blame for Matt’s goal, which is good going considering how many Buncey’s team scored. Like the unfashionable Gareth Barry, Simon did his job well and with the steal of Julian Dicks and slightly unhinged Gazza-like craziness he’s a top class player. Well played Simon, let’s see you re-produce that performance in the 11-a-side.

Here’s a little video in honour of Simon:

Match Report: Wednesday 30th June

2010-07-02T01:53:00.000-07:00

Kev’s Team: Kev, Simon B, Matt Y, Andy, Jonny W, Jonny (didn’t get his surname but Steve G’s mate), Steve G, Phil - 11
Rich’s team: Rich, Jason, Shaun, Ed, Will, Steve J, Gav, Sam, Phil - 10

The week started with Matt Young sending an email to ask if someone else could do the match report. Tuvvy stepped up to the mark as he couldn’t play having pulled a muscle in his back while trying to stop a boy hitting another boy on the head with a mallet, but we all know it was just because he won the bet and Matt owed him alcohol. And what a game it was too... Tuvvy made 4 pages of notes about it in the exercise book he stole from the Fulford school English department. The idea of 4 pages was enough to bring a tear to Rich Church’s eye. Anyway on with the game...

The match started at lightening pace and it wasn’t long before Will had fired in passed a beaten Matt Young with a typical Will Gardener finish. Within about a minute of the restart Andy got the ball on the left wing put in a peach of a cross and Steve Gag fired in to make it 1-1. Then quicker than you could say "she sells sea shells by the sea shore" Rich’s team were on the attack again. Steve J and Will linked up well and Will blasted from long range, Shaun reacted well, noticing it was going wide, and with a poachers instinct stuck out a foot and beat Matt Young again for 2-1. Then with his team pushing for a third Rich got very excited and shot from range only to see the ball fly out of the fence and bounce off the roof of the school. While he was out Matt asked a day dreaming Tuvvy if it was time for keepers... Yes it was and had been about 4 minutes before hand.

With Kev’s team behind Phil tried to urge the team forward by barking demands so loud it could drown out the Vuvuzelas at the World Cup, and they responded well. Jonny W and Simon linked well and forced an amazing stop from Will in goal. Andy Townend stepped up to take the corner and somehow the ball sneaked in between post and keeper straight from the corner, take a bow Andy. Tuvvy then called keepers, this time without the reminder. With the team back in it Phil and Simon worked a lovely attack and soon made it 3-2 with a goal from Simon passed the powerless Sam. Phil and Simon kept causing problems when Phil got around Sam again and squared to Simon but Jason was on hand to clear at the last minute. Then Kev’s team really turned on the pressure. Steve J passed the ball out to Rich who was closed down by Andy at Usain Bolt pace and Andy finished for 4-2.

Then Simon took a corner straight to Kev, who blasted in goal wards - the ball hit the underside of the bar and bounced down. No one sure if it went in or not so Tuvvy said no goal, which reopened the debate of Goal line technology. Seconds later Gav took a shot at the other end which again was debated whether it crossed the line, so again Tuvvy said no goal. Matt will be writing to Oaklands asking for Goal line technology to be installed before next week. Then Steve J made a good run down the pitch before he slotted the ball across the goal mouth for Gav who could just tap the ball into an almost empty net. No question about that one, it definitely crossed the line. 4-3
Jonny W fearful that Rich’s team were getting back in to the game went on a trade mark run the whole length of the pitch and then fired the ball into the top left hand corner of the goal, 5-3. Then came a moment for the history books, a cross came in from the right wing and as cool as a Mr Softy Ice cream Matt Young scored his first Goal since 1990, the last time he scored Will was only a twinkle in his Daddy’s eye, 6-3. Moments later the man of the moment was back on his own Goal line, a more familiar position, making a Goal line clearance which Rio Ferdinand would have been proud of.

Rich’s team broke and scored with Jason taking the ball around Andy and scoring to make it 6-4 to Kev’s team. Then came a period that showed Kev could score as well as stop shots. First came from Simon selflessly crossing the ball to Kev who charged into the box and tapped in for 7-4, then the dangerous duo linked again. Simon put in one of the best crosses of the game and again Kev was on the end of it to make it now 8-4 and the game looked dead and buried.

Phil then changed teams and the tide turned. Phil’s first touch for Rich's team was to slot the ball into the goal and reduce the deficit, if only the Chancellor could make that sort of an impact. Then Rich’s team picked up some confidence and when Ed put in the cross to Shaun, he flicked on to Jas who finished with ease. Then Gav tried an over head kick that Vice captain Tom would have been proud of. Jason then made it 8-7 after a cross to the back post from Steve J, Ed headed back across goal and Jas tapped in for a hatrick. Matt tried to show that, unlike England, Kev’s team could play route one football and hit a great ball up to Simon, who saw Jonny and picked him out perfectly and Jonny finished for 9-7.

Ed had his usual anything Jonny can do I can do better attitude and it showed. Ed got the ball and with some very skilful footwork took out Kev’s team’s defence and made it 9-8. Will and Steve J were linking up as good as ever, which made all us English men weep that Gerrard and Lampard couldn’t play that well together. Their hard work soon led to a game changing 30 seconds. Shaun first received the ball from Will and made it 9-9 then about 20 seconds later the defence troubling two linked to find Shaun again and this time with a sweet outside of the foot finish he makes it 10-9, surely the winner. NO. Jason takes a shot from about 18yrds and it rebounds off the post, the ball falls to Shaun who forces save of the match from Jonny (Steve’s Mate). Then Simon leaves because he has to be up early for work in the morning. Rich’s team take the corner and Kev’s team break away and Sam forces a corner, which Jonny W takes, Sam punches out unconvincingly straight to Steve Gagg who powers the ball into the goal. By this point Tuvvy had lost track of the score and it was about 9:35 so next goal was called and interestingly it was 10-10 so next goal would actually win it.

The game went on with one counter attack after another until the ball came to Andy Townend. He took the ball on the half way line and ran at Rich’s team’s goal, round Sam and in with a run Lionel Messi would have been proud of 11-10.

Goal of the week
Townend scored a great goal direct from a corner, Matt Young scored his first goal in over a decade (apparently) and Ed scored a nice solo goal but this week Tuvvy will give GOAL OF THE WEEK to Jonny ‘the wolf man’ Wooldridge. He ran the length of the pitch with the ball like it was stuck to his shoe down the right wing, then lashed the ball into the top far corner. Very Ronaldo -esque. Well done Jonny.

Player of the week
Will was his usual brilliant self and Steve J did put in the best performance we have seen from anyone in an England shirt for about a month. Jonny and Ed had a good come back to the action. Shaun got a debut hatrick, Simon put in some lovely crosses but Tuvvy is going to give this week’s PLAYER OF THE WEEK AWARD to a player that was simply unique on the left wing. No defender could read what he was about to do, and sometimes I wasn’t sure if he could, but Andy Townend put in (in my eyes) one of his best performances of the year. So Andy Townend take a bow you are POTW

Match Report by Tuvvy

Match Report: Wednesday 23rd June

2010-06-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Paul's Team 9
Kev's Team 8

Paul's Team: Paul, Dave, Phil, Rich C, Will, Steve J, Sam, Jason F
Kev's Team: Kev, Matt, Buncey, Tom, Dave C, Andy, Kendall, Simon B, Tuvvy

Job 1? Get England through to next round - done. Job 2? Play footy. Number of abusive shouts from Acomb's finest due to wearing Everton top whilst cycling to footy? 2 (although, on one of those occasions I was called "Chelsea scum").

We had a good turnout, especially considering Simon had drunk his own body weight in ale beforehand (yes, that is A LOT of ale). Phil and Simon eyed each other up like Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee - "I ain't goin' on McBride's team" Simon announced in his own unique Devonshire drawl. There was a debut for Dave but we were missing Steve G, Roy and the long term injured duo of Brett and Kerron. Good news on Kerron is that he is back at work and can surely only be a couple of weeks away from a comeback.

Tuvvy was back and needed four goals to win his bet with Matt and win a pint. Matt smiled smugly to himself knowing his money was going nowhere.

We kicked off and Paul's team came roaring out of the blocks and Phil (who was particularly fired-up), Will and Rich Church passed and ran around and through the bewildered defence of Kev's team and it wasn't long before Will had put them 1-0 up with a nice finish past Matt. 1 soon became 2 and Simon B was forced to drop back to help Tom in defence. Phil announced that he was bored playing in defence so had decided to spend a game attacking for a change. Although he was playing really well, he was winding himself up by getting frustrated with every tiny mistake (of which there were hardly any). This led Phil to go on one of his trademark I'm-angry-so-you'd-better-not-get-in-my-way-or-there-will-be-trouble runs. He beat a few players (including Matt twice!) before Matt finally managed to get a foot to the ball to tackle him, however the ball broke to an attacker who found Will and Will slotted home calmly. Phil celebrated angrily. Kev's team were attacking as well though and Andy had been unlucky when a nice chip beat the keeper but clipped the top of the bar. Buncey, Kev and Dave C were doing well in midfield and some pressure led to a corner. Dave C sent in a beautiful ball and Tuvvy found space in the box and headed home. Matt joked about him getting three more (ha, yeah, as if!). Shortly afterwards Dave C made a good tackle in midfield and the ball broke to him nicely, he looked up and hit an absolute rocket into the top corner! Paul did well to get a hand to it but there was no stopping that shot.

Other Dave was having a good debut and looks to be a pretty decent player. With him, Steve J, Will, Churchy and Phil linking up there were plenty of goal scoring chances being created. Tom made a number of good saves and a couple of easy ones that he made look good - I think he was still trying to impress the Hockey Girls (Tom dude, they haven't been there for weeks!). Rich Church was back on form and was having a blinder on the left wing. In one moment of brilliance (having switched to the right wing) he turned Matt, leaving him rooted to the spot like a sculpture of a sumo. Not long after he picked the ball up on the left and from a tight angle smacked the ball past the keeper to claim a deserved goal. Buncey and Kendall were having a blast running at the opposition and Phil dropped back into defence to help Sam out - those two were like a rock and for all their possession Kev's team were struggling to fashion chances for Simon B and Tuvvy. However, goals did come. Tom scored a cracker from distance and Tuvvy somehow grabbed a couple to move within 1 goal of winning his bet. Buncey and Kev had half-chances but the ball just wouldn't fall for them.

At the other end, Steve J and Will were still causing problems and Will seemed to be scoring for fun. Kev's defence seemed to be more and more thinly spread and Steve J got a goal or two. Simon was screaming at the defence but they seemed to have vanished like they were part of some eerie David Blaine trick. Matt was lumbering around looking like a man who'd polished off two family buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a ditch of chips and his attempts at defending made him look like a one-legged man in an arse kicking competition. A long punt up field bounced just outside the area and it was Tuvvy versus the keeper, Tuvvy got a head to the ball but it hit the top of the crossbar and bounced over. So close to grabbing his fourth.
Jason F had made a few good saves but finally Tuvvy got the break he needed and he smashed the ball triumphantly past the keeper to win the bet. Four goals in one game. Well Done Tuvvy. Matt asked him if he was an ale or lager man. Tuvvy replied that he will "drink anything". Turps it is then.

Tuvvy then went in goal and someone (Will, I think) smashed a brilliant shot which Tuvvy just let in announcing "I wasn't going to get in the way of that." Must remember to explain that that is the whole point of a goal keeper next time! Even with Tuvvy's four goals Paul's team proved a bit too strong for Kev's team and they ended up 9-8 winners. When you consider that they were a man down for most of the game, that deserves a round of applause. Well played guys. It was a much better game than the mess of last week and let's hope the quality continues.

Goal Of The Week: Another classic that seems to happen regularly under the Oaklands lights. No, not Tom's thunderbolt or Dave's bullet like smash into the top corner. A totally different kettle of fish. An attack from Kev's team ended with an angled ball into the box, but there weren't any strikers anywhere near it and the danger seemed to have melted away. Enter Phil McBride. Defending at the back post, Phil opted to knock the ball out for a corner, a simple flick with the outside of his right foot would have done the trick. However, surprisingly, for the head of a maths department, Phil got his angles all wrong and belted the ball into the roof of his own net from a couple of yards out. There was a moment of shocked silence followed by gleeful laughter. Phil looked like a man who, upon looking for his signed Bobby Moore England top from 1966, was informed by his mother-in-law "What? That old thing? I threw it out weeks ago." It wasn't a pretty sight.

Player Of The Week: There was a lot going on in this match, 17 goals and bags of chances. It's probably not surprising that, with the exception of Sam (who was his normal solid, dependable self) the standout players are attackers. Rich Church was excellent and, although Kev played really well, Rich probably just outdid him this week. Buncey was brilliant and continues to show some exquisite skills. Phil was far too hard on himself and had a really good game. Tuvvy got four goals which is outstanding and Dave had a great debut. It is hard to separate Steve J and Will - they are both fantastic players and recently you could argue that Steve has had the upper hand. However, Will played a blinder last night and was simply sublime. From the first minute to the last he terrorized Kev's team. He scored at hatful of goals but it was his all round game that was so impressive. Bringing players into the game by spreading the ball wide, neat one-twos and countless dangerous runs - he was on fire and a complete nightmare to try and defend against. Will never has a bad game, but last night he made Lionel Messi look like Lionel Blair. Dodgy earrings aside, you just have to admire the bloke really. Well played Will.

Match Report: Wednesday 16th June

2010-06-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

Tom's Team 12
Matt's Team 3

Tom's Team: Tom/Andy, Kev, Rich C, Gavin, Steve J, Simon J, Sam
Matt's Team: Tom/Andy, Matt, Buncey, Will, Dave, Steve G, Len Badger (replaced after 10mins by Jason Norwich)

A totally demoralising defeat that I can't bring myself to write about. Matt's team had no finishing ability, no organisation, no goalkeeping skills, and no passing skills... actually, that's not entirely true, I think the problem was more that they did have Matt rather than what they didn't have. To be fair, Matt's team did try and make a fight of it, but Tom's team were ruthless and showed no mercy. Gavin grabbed a hatfull, Steve J was able to play at 13% of his ability and still run rings round the opposition, Simon J was class, Sam let nothing by him in defence, Rich C enjoyed the freedom of the left wing and Tom was like the general that held it all together. For Matt's team, Buncey did well and ran his socks off, Will was unlucky in front of goal and could have bagged a couple more goals, Dave and Andy never gave up and tackled brilliantly, Steve G had a good game, proved he's still one of our best passers and also proved he's not a world-beater between the sticks. Jason Norwich had a good game and it was a shame that Len Badger could only play for a few mins as we missed his organisational and motivational skills (not to mention his Messi like qualities). Matt should really hang up his boots or at least go on a diet and learn how to kick a ball properly.

All-in-all, one to forget for Matt's team, but Tom's team deserved to win by that kind of margin, they were awesome! It's just a shame Matt's team can't blame the ball.

Goal Of The Week: Rich Church scored one of those St Paul's Oaklands classics! A hopeful punt towards goal with his left foot evaded everyone and bounced (seemingly!) harmlessly in the goal area. Andy, in goal, inexplicably decided to duck under the bounce and the ball looped into the unguarded net. A great goal for Rich but poor old Andy will be having nightmares about that for some time!

Player Of The Week: Kev Church was absolutely sublime! He has been getting stronger and stronger this season but last night had the game of his (St Paul's Wednesday evening kick-abouts) life! He was everywhere, displaying his usual quality in goal, defending brilliantly, driving forward through midfield, breaking up play, starting counter attacks and grabbing a goal with an excellent finish past Matt into the top corner. His hard work allowed Gavin, Steve and Simon to concentrate on pulling the opposition to pieces. I love Kev's wide eyed enthusiasm for everything - he's like a puppy on speed chasing an imaginary ball. Last night it's not exaggerating (much) to say England could use him in South Africa, forget Carrick, Rooney and Gerrard - you've got all that in one player. There is slight hint of Hans Klopek from "The 'Burbs" in there too. Great game Kev, a fully deserved POTW. Now, can Rich raise his game or is it going to be Kev's season in the Church household?

Match Report: Wednesday 9th June

2010-06-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Tom's Team: 6
Phil's Team: 10

Tom's Team: Tom, Kev, Paul, Andy, Dave, Kendall, Simon J and Simon B
Phil's Team: Phil, Matt, Rich C, Buncey, Will, Sam, Gavin and Simon B

A grey, overcast evening at Oaklands but the threatened rain never arrived and it was pretty good conditions for a kick-about. Phil was back for his first game with us since the 11-a-side against Chambers and he was raring to go, fresh from a hat-trick on Monday, he looked as excited as Vanessa Feltz in a bun factory.

Tom picked the teams and we kicked off with Phil's team kicking towards the school. Phil was out of the blocks like Usain Bolt and had his name on the scoresheet before you could say "What dodgy knees?" - a nice one-two in a crowded goal area and Phil slammed the ball home giving Tom no chance in goal. With a player extra Phil's team were really dominating the play and Buncey was practically salivating over the amount of space he was finding - together with Will, Gavin and Rich Church he was tearing the opposition to pieces. With Simon B supporting from the wing, it was all Phil's team attacking. A scintillating move saw Will find Simon B with a pin point-pass, Simon delivered a perfect low cross and Matt arrived at the back post and tapped home to claim goal of the week early in the game. What? Oh Ok, Matt arrived at the back post and contrived to hit said post from about 2 yards out with the ball going out for a goal kick. Like Diana Ross in the opening ceremony of USA 94 it was a shot that defied logic - it was IMPOSSIBLE to miss and yet, somehow, Matt managed it. Hands on hips Matt glanced to the heavens, but no explanation was forthcoming and Simon B's mocking laughter rang around the Oaklands turf.

Another goal from Phil after a nice one-two with Buncey and one from Will and Gavin made it 4-0 and Phil's team let their mind drift towards double figures. However, Tom's team started to fight back and a nice break found Andy on the left wing and his lobbed cross was volleyed past Rich C by Paul. 4-1. Another nice attack from Phil's team ended when the ball fell to Matt after a scramble. With the keeper nowhere to be seen and the defence wrong-footed, Matt simply had to hit the target. Once again, however, he contrived to miss from 4 yards when it seemed harder to miss than score and once again Simon B's laughter echoed in his ears. Sometimes, it is better to just stay in defence. Then, at the other end, Kev, who had been playing well again, found himself in the area, the ball had ballooned into the air, but Kev displayed exquisite control to bring the ball down, jink past the last defender and smash the ball past the keeper with a shot that nearly ripped the net off the goal. Perhaps overconfidence had effected Phil's team?

It was about halfway through the game so Simon B swapped teams to give Tom's team the extra player and the pressure was kept on Phil's defence. Simon B found space out wide and laid a lovely ball off for Simon J on the edge of the area and he found the net despite a last ditch dive from both Matt and Sam, 4-2 and the fightback was on. Dave, Tom, Simon J and Kev were linking well and causing the opposition defence lots of problems and with Kendall, Paul and Simon B always available out wide it took good defending from Phil on a number of occasions to halt an attack at a vital moment. Indeed, such was Phil's team's love of attacking he was often left with only Sam and the overweight, donkey footed Matt to help him defend which made all his tackles all the more important. Simon B was proving a valuable outlet for Tom's team and Kendall was getting more into the game and the increased pressure led to a couple more goals. Then Tom dilly dallied in defence, messing around waiting for the ball to go out, but Matt got a chubby foot to the ball and found Rich Church who, from the tighest of angles, wrong footed everyone and slotted home with the outside of his left foot - a great goal. Will then crashed a fantastic effort against the crossbar - if Kev got a hand to that then it was an awesome save.

Sam had been having his usual solid game at right back and was unfortunate when, whilst challenging Andy, the ball ricocheted off Andy's toe and slammed into Sam's nose sending his glasses flying through the air. Sam sat out for a couple of minutes and had only been back on the pitch for a few moments when practically the same thing happened again. It would be rude to laugh... but we all did anyway and Sam looked like he'd done a few rounds with Ivan Drago and was left looking like a cross between Iain Dowie and a butcher's dog.

Then the lights went out.

The game continued in the kind of half-light you would find in a seedy bar but the gloom was illuminated by a moment of magic from everyone's favorite maths teacher. From a corner on the right, Gavin found Phil as he charge forward and he let fly with a great shot that went like a rocket into the bottom corner. Paul, in goal, was unsighted but it doesn't take anything away from what a great strike it was. Then Matt finally got something right - a great cross from Will found him unmarked at the back post and he cushioned a nice header towards the far side of the goal. However, Paul dived to his right and tipped the ball away with his outstretched arm - a great save. Will was playing brilliantly and after a break out of defence, laid a lovely ball off to Matt. Buncey had made a well timed run and Matt knocked the ball into his path and Buncey grabbed his second of the game with a calm finish. There was still time for Dave to miss a sitter after Simon B had squared the ball to him and, after great work from Andy, Kendall grabbed a goal with the last kick of the game.

All in all and enjoyable game with more attacking than defending and was nice to see Rich Church back on the scoresheet.

Goal Of The Week: Special mention for Phil's goal (which he claims was like Vasili Rats goal for USSR against France in Mexico 86!!!). However, Paul wins GOTW this week with a beauty! He volleyed past Rich Church with a coolness reminisent of Clint Eastwood in "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly" - an absolutely ruthless finish that Van Basten would have been proud of. Great goal Paul.

Player Of The Week: Will was magnificent again, linking well with Gavin and Buncey and grabbing a couple of nice goals. Rich Church put in a great performance, and probably, for the first time in a while, outdid his brother who also had an excellent game. For Tom's team Dave and both Simons stood out as did Paul who seems to get better each game. It would be hard not to give POTW to Phil McBride though. The enforced rest has done wonders and he looked like a new player - just like Maradona at USA 94 (although there was no way I was asking for a urine sample). A hat-trick and a whisker away from claiming goal of the week- Phil had a good attacking game but it was in defence where he excelled. He was already fired up, but when Simon Bissett swapped teams, Phil had an extra gleam in his eye and nothing got past him. Often abandoned in defence as his team went glory hunting up the pitch, Phil kept Tom's team at bay single handedly at times and he made it look easy, like Phil Jagielka tackling a blindfolded Heather Mills. He's obviously had time to reflect whilst he's been injured because he didn't shout and bark orders to get back and help him he just calmly mopped up every attack, like Hong Kong Phooey crossed with Keanu Reeves in Point Break. Like a trustworthy and likeable John Terry with the silky defensive play of Ashley Cole a hint of the looks of Steve Ogrizovic and Phil Neville - Phil is the perfect centre back. He's not too bad when he ventures over the half-way line either. Great game Phil, but can your knees keep up this level of performance?

You can see that Rats goal below

Match Report: Saturday 5th June

2010-06-07T00:51:00.000-07:00

St Paul’s 5
Carb’s team (York Baptist) 1

The first Saturday in June, a perfect pre-World Cup friendly and the boys from St Paul’s mirrored the famous England win over Germany with a superb show of football prowess.

A beautifully warm day greeted the players and the Wednesday warm-up had secured places for a number of players and we were bolstered by the return of a number of friendly faces and Woody!

Thirteen players proved to be a perfect number for the circumstances and the diversity of choice for the opposition may have been a disadvantage as they tinkered more than Claudio Ranieri to find a suitable line-up to deal with the marauding football of St Paul’s, by which time they were 4-0 down!

Tom proved to be a mercurial captain with a footballing brain not dissimilar to Bobby Robson, i.e. nobody could work out what he was doing but it certainly worked. The line up was organized with Simon B on the left wing which caused some eyebrows to raise and the supportive comment from Woody that “ he hadn’t thought this through!” but Tom was confident in his ability.

The line up was as follows; Kev Church – GK, Rich Church, LB, Matt Y & Tom, CB, Roy, RB, Simon B, LM, Woody, Will & Steve G, CM, Simon J, RM and Tuvvy, CF. Steve J & Nathan beginning on the bench.

Unorthodox but inspired!

The first few minutes was dominated by feet finding by both teams with early touches for the goalies and no real threat but it was St Paul’s that made the first decisive move and after some good harrying in the opposition’s final third a couple of corners were forced. The second was whipped in by Simon J’s right foot and the full back lashed it into his own net from an acute angle, very reminiscent of the Japanese own goal against England last week! This early blow damaged the opposition like Amir Khan in a title fight and St Paul’s built on this early advantage with some scintillating play for the next 35 mins.

Three goals followed in quick succession; a penalty from captain Tom which was saved by their keeper but like a true professional, he followed up his kick and was lashed in by the Captain Marvel; a beauty by Steve J, following a long free kick delivered to the chest of Simon B on the edge of the area and touched down too close to Steve’s right foot so he had to hit it with his left – right into the top left corner of the goal; and a well-controlled lob by Will who kept his head when running through onto a terrific through ball, like Gary Lineker against Cameroon in Italia 90 following a ball from Gazza!

Speaking of which we ought to consult Woody watch – he was his normal combative self, inspired by his retro England top but the miss of the day was his, following a great through ball from Simon B, he conspired to miss by a country mile and was reminded by everyone else of his own high standards!

The rolling substitutions allowed a continuity from St Paul’s and the football continued to flow all through the first half, although 4-0 wasn’t flattering with scuffed chances by Simon B and Nathan. Maybe worthy of note was that there was a little unsportsmanlike barracking of the referee like Arsenal under Wenger on a penalty decision and this did seem to disturb the opposition more than St Paul’s except for Woody who stood up for his brother-in-law like a true family man and did enough standing up for all 13 St Paul’s players. However, refereeing a game is never anyone’s favourite past-time and we should thank Rob for his sterling work enabling us all to play and enjoy the game!

So St Paul’s left the field at half-time happy with our efforts and Tom’s Capello style team-talk was left unopened. Drinks were taken on board as the day continued to be warm despite the initial downpour and the rolling substitutions saw Tom and Roy leave the field for their 15 minute rest.

In the pub afterwards Tom was quick to point out that it was whilst he was off the field that the opposition scored with a well-taken header and Matt Y blamed himself (as always) for losing the goal scorer but the balance was restored almost immediately as the keeper had a rush of blood, came too far and Steve J bagged his second despite the Lee Evans style contortions of their hot-headed skipper.

This proved to be the final meaningful action of the game with Carb’s team looking increasingly industrious and St Paul’s becoming more blasé, particularly captain Tom, pirouetting on the edge of his own penalty area and Roy’s superb control with his backside to avoid a throw-in. Seriously, the fightback never looked likely and the game was seen out comfortably except for Woody whose effusive style appeared to yield a self-inflicted injury so serious that he could not join the team for drinks after the game and later prompted the text message – “ I demand sympathy!”; needless to say it was wholly forthcoming.

Man of the match and Goal of the game both belong to Steve J who was like a young Cesc Fabregas, only better looking, and got the vote from the selection panel at The Sun.

Well done everyone on another victory and commiserations to Phil McBride who thought invincibility was what he brought to the team! Bring on the summer tournament!

Match Report by Simon Bissett

Match Report: Wednesday 2nd June

2010-06-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Tom's Team: 4

Kev's Team: 7

Tom's Team: Tom, Matt, Simon J, Simon B, Rich C, Jason F, Roy

Kev's Team: Kev, Gavin, Dave, Tuvvy, Steve J, Sam, Andy T

A glorious summer evening greeted a reduced band of players, with Brett, Kerron, Jonny, Phil all injured, Buncey on holiday and Dave C, Will, Steve G and Paul all missing we had a 7-a-side and the prospect of Simon B having to run around for a change. Simon's opening gambit? "Matt, the sun is glinting off your grey hair". Nice. Gavin brought a mate along who's name I forget, so he's called Dave now if he wasn't already. Tom reminded everyone that they were playing for their place in Saturday's team - this turned out to be bad news for Matt who played like a cross between Carlton Palmer and Charlie Chalk.

Kev's team were quick out of the blocks and were attacking straight away, Dave had a low drive from distance, a daisy-cutter that was flying into the bottom corner, but Matt pulled off a good save and put the ball out for a corner kick. Simon B was still putting his boots on behind the goal and declared that he "wouldn't have bothered diving for that" - Matt made a mental note not to let him in goal. Simon B then entered the fray and joined Rich Church up front and Tom's team were soon ahead against the run of play. Gavin, Dave and Steve J were enjoying spraying the ball around and tearing Tom’s team to pieces with some sumptuous passing, and Steve J found some space, jinked inside on the left and tried his luck from distance. Matt, again, got down quickly and made the save… except, he didn’t, not quite… the ball slipped though his hands and rolled into the back of the net, a soft goal to concede. It was like the time at school when Francene Peters slipped out of my grasp and left me for David Groom – I still don’t know what she saw in him, maybe she just knew that he was a better goalkeeper than me. Anyway, enough was enough and it was time to swap keepers.

Roy was having a spectacular game in defence but also broke forward and hammered in a great goal to put his team 2-1 up. Then Tuvvy lost his marker at a corner and his header was not far wide. Another good move from Kev’s team led to a shooting chance but Tom saved well and put the ball out for a corner. Tom’s defence barked orders and “marked up”, then Roy shouted “Who’s got Steve?” to which Matt replied “I have” – then the corner came in a Steve J was away like Speedy Conzales and had the ball in the back of the net. Matt was about 30 yards away looking confused like a resident of “Sunny Glade” retirement community. That made it 2-2 and it wasn’t long before Kev’s team made it 3 and started to take a firm grip on the game. Tom then tried to score from his own goal area and wasn’t far off, although Kev probably had it covered.

Kev was playing really well again (he’s found some form over the past few weeks) and was breaking up lots of attacks and linking well with Dave and Steve to keep Tom’s team’s defence under pressure. He had a nice effort from outside the area that didn’t quite dip enough. Kev and Andy were brilliant and didn’t seem to tire all game, making countless tackles and with Sam a rock in defence this meant that Gavin, Dave, Tuvvy and Steve J were free to attack at will – Steve looked like a kid in a sweet shop with all the space he was finding. A cross from Dave found Gavin at the back post but he directed his header wide. Dave then scored a screamer from a corner, a great volley that a combination of Roy, Matt and the crossbar failed to stop. I think Gavin grabbed one from long range that left Jason scrabbling around in his area clutching thin air and then Jason saved well at his far post from someone else. Dave then extended Kev’s team’s lead with another fine run and finish. It wasn’t all one way traffic though and Rich Church, Simon J and Simon B were playing really well together and forging some openings - wayward finishing from Matt, Tom and Jason would ultimately prove costly though. A peach of a ball from Tom found Matt at the back post but he choked like a University Challenge Maths Geek caught in a Tsunami of disdain from Jeremy Paxman and like a wet lettuce in a sock glanced his header wide. Pathetic. A nice move between Rich and Simon B led to Simon crossing the ball in to Jason but he couldn’t quite direct the ball in. Simon B was having a good game on the right and was keeping Sam busy in defence. Simon looks a bit like a Bulldog, with his squat posture, Neanderthal gait, square shoulders and a snarl that makes Hannibal Lecter seem cuddly. Chat to him over a pint though and you’ll find he’s more like Cantona with his philosophical trawlers and sardines rather than Andoni “The Butcher Of Bilbao” Goikoetxea – just don’t spill the pint while you’re talking to him. Anyway, after a quick break from Tom’s team, a square ball from Matt found Simon B and he lashed home his second of the match to make it 6-4 and perhaps we had a fight-back on our hands. Then Tuvvy found some space and smashed home a great half-volley and any thoughts of a fight-back faded faster than Darren Bent’s World Cup dreams. Time was called and Kev’s team had recorded a deserved win, although Tom’s team were worthy opponents and were always in the game.

Goal Of The Week: Dave’s goals were good and Simon B’s finishing was clinical but this week GOTW goes to Tuvvy. He was unlucky with a header early on, but battled up front all game and took his chance brilliantly. A nice half-volley into the corner that gave the keeper no chance. Great finish Tuvvy.

Player Of The Week: Great debut from Dave, with some awesome runs and some nice goals. Simon J was, again, first class and involved in most of what was good about Tom’s team and Steve J was absolutely fantastic. However, POTW goes to Roy who had a spectacular game in defence – I’m sure he swapped positions about two months ago and decided to concentrate more on defending and he’s not looked back since. Without Roy at the back winning countless tackles, Tom’s team would have been on the end of a humiliating annihilation but Roy was harder to get past than the Siegfried Line, swallowing wave after wave of attacks like the Pit Of Sarlacc. Roy is like a cross between Stuart Pearce and Roberto Carlos and was outstanding not only in defence, but his goal was pretty good too! Roy looks like that “northern anarchist” Alex Riley from the BBC, but I bet Roy’s not only funnier but a better footballer (and I bet Alex Riley isn’t running 10K for really good cause either!). Great game Roy, well played, keep it up for Saturday!

Tuvvy Watch: Well, my bet seems to have put some form of hex on Tuvvy's goal scoring spree. He grabbed a goal today and that means he needs four in the next game to win a pint. However, I am feeling generous and will give him a sporting chance by allowing him to count any goals he gets in the 11-a-side on Saturday as well. So, he's got a possible 150 minutes to get four goals and that’s not a wager to sniff at!

Match Report: Wednesday 26th May

2010-05-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

Kev's Team 12

Will's Team 6

Kev's Team: Kev, Matt, Paul, Buncey, Sam, Jason Norwich, Dave, Steve J

Will's Team: Will, Jason F, Roy, Rich C, Simon J, Kendall, Gavin, Andy T

Another fine evening for a game of footy (although it ended in a downpour) and with Simon B, Tuvvy, Brett, Phil, Steve G and Tom all missing it had the feel of an England friendly, although I hoped we'd show a bit more passion than that. Megan Fox failed to turn up which was a bit of a disappointment (I heard rumours she was off somewhere with Simon B). Was good to see Brett (who looks unnervingly like Michael Keaton in Batman) who was heading to the gym and Phil (who looks like Indiana Jones) who had come to count players and do some set theory. Hopefully they'll both be back soon - Will's team could have done with them in defence in this game! It may be a little longer before Kerron is back on the wing though. Buncey waddled in, still full from his tea and without his lucky boro top – surely not a good sign?

We kicked off with Jason F and Matt in goal and after only a few seconds Dave had broken free and put the ball in the back of the net – a good start! Then good work from Kendall and Rich C led to Will finding space after an expertly timed run and he calmly slotted past Matt to make the score 1-1, a nice finish but awful ball watching from Kev’s team. Kev’s team were passing the ball around beautifully with Paul, Steve J and Buncey getting heavily involved and it wasn’t long before they were back in front. However, shortly afterwards, Will ran past a couple of players and hit the ball low and hard, Matt went down slower than the Bismarck and the ball squeezed under him and hit the back of the net 2-2. Rubbish dive and time for new keepers. Dave took a brilliant corner which found Matt at the back post with a free header, but he headed the ball into the ground and it bounced over the bar – a sitter - missed! Buncey was finding space but some of his shooting was, let’s say, “wayward” making Geoff Thomas look as accurate as Phil “The Power” Taylor. Andy was showing his usual great tackling, legs spraying around like an untethered hosepipe, but getting the job done. Gavin was enjoying space on the left and with Rich C on the right and Jason F and Will charging through the middle, Sam and Kev were kept very busy in defence. Rich C cut inside Matt (who has the turning circle of a cargo ship) and was unlucky to see his shot curl wide. Then a great run from Buncey saw him beat about three players before being forced wide, but a sumptuous dinked cross to the back post found Dave but he couldn’t force the ball home.

The game ebbed and flowed with both teams playing an attacking game and it was soon 4-4 with Gavin scoring an absolute peach of a volley and Buncey getting on the score sheet after snaffling a loose ball and slotting home from close range. Jason F made a good save from Dave and Sam also had a good spell in goal. Then Jason Norwich and Simon J turned up and the game completely changed. Jason N joined Kev’s team and they didn’t look back. Will’s team’s defence went AWOL and it was all-you-can-eat time at this particular buffet. Then something rarer than Buncey volunteering to go in goal - a goal from Matt! What a cracker it was too. He picked the ball up on the right and, from about twenty yards hit an arrow like shot that went in off the post and left the keeper rooted to the spot. If that goal had been a woman it would have been Natalie Portman – stunning! That made it 7-5 but I totally lost track of the rest of the goals, it just got silly. There was a cracker from Kev Church though, a goal he deserved after a great game. Paul was unlucky not to score after a great run and his shot hit the post. It wasn’t all one way though, the ball fell to Will and he tried to marmalise it into next year! Matt, in goal, was foolish enough to save it and his hand was bent back by about 358 degrees - he let out a sound akin to Alan Carr being lowered feet first into a blender.

Then it started to rain and the enthusiasm drained away like the hopes of every England fan during a penalty shootout and we ended the game. So, about 12-6 in the end, it was good for 40 minutes and then it was like silly season in the Wacky Warehouse.

Goal Of The Week: Gavin and Matt’s goals were pretty good but Roy wins GOTW through sheer persistence. A poor long ball out of defence from Matt was headed firmly back up-field by Kendall. Sam seemed to have it covered and, although Roy was in close attendance there didn’t seem to be too much danger and he just nodded the ball back to Kev in goal. Kev ran out of goal, did his best “Peter Crouch Meets Bambi On Ice As Performed By Laurel And Hardy” impression and slipped over, Roy sped past like a racing snake and slotted the ball home. Kev looked like a man who had just discovered John Terry in his girlfriend’s wardrobe. Great poacher’s goal Roy.

Player Of The Week: Kev Church and Paul stood out on Kev’s team and Will and Andy T were first class for Will’s team. POTW this week goes to Sir Richard Of Bunceshire – what a game! I don’t know what he had for his tea but it did the trick (and maybe he should think about binning that boro shirt). Not only did he grab a hat-trick, but he ran the show for Kev’s team for the whole game, he worked so hard his face ended up redder than a Marxist Brian Clough and, it got so red, it started to clash with his hair. Hard work and skill, that’s Buncey, he went on many many of his trademark mazy runs and linked brilliantly with Steve J, Paul and Dave. The cross to Dave (mentioned earlier) was inch perfect and, if there was such an award, would win “Cross Of The Season” hands down, sadly there is no such award so, Buncey, there’s no need to write an acceptance speech. I hate trying to defend against Buncey because he is impossible to tackle. Like a cross between Gazza, John Barnes, Ray Parlour and Spuggy from Byker Grove Buncey oozes class, skill and determination. If he’s free on the 5^th June, surely he’s pinched the right wing spot from Jonny? Great game Buncey!

Tuvvy Watch: Tuvvy was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he knew it was going to rain.

Match Report: Wednesday 19th May

2010-05-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

Roy's Team 6
Dave's Team 3

Roy's team: Roy, Matt, Kev, Simon J, Andy T, Paul, Gavin, Steve G, Buncey
Dave's Team: Dave, Simon B, Jason Norwich, Jason F, Will, Steve J, Rich C, Sam, Tuvvy

A glorious evening for a game of footy and after Matt's terrible maths last week, Phil McBride turned up just to count the teams and make sure they were even this time round. I thought he might stay to watch, but I think he's missing the game so much it would have been like watching the school bully kiss your girlfriend so, job done, he went home to put his feet up, crack open a beer and tinker with Pythagoras theorem.

Roy's team started at a blistering pace with Buncey, Gavin, Steve G, Paul and Steve J running riot and they were soon four up with goals from Roy (deflected in off his backside after chasing down a clearance) and I think Gavin and Steve J. Even Kev Church was displaying Messi-like skill, beating two players on the wing and crossing the ball in. Buncey showed his normal composed skill and got himself some space after a nice run, but his shot drifted wide. Things needed changing, so Simon B picked Steve J to swap sides and then Jason Norwich and Simon J turned up with Jason joining Dave's team and Simon J Roy's. This changed the complexion of the game and suddenly Roy's team found themselves hemmed back and defending by the skin of their teeth. A number of long balls to Simon B were headed clear by Matt and Kev and Simon B commented that he "doesn't do headers" - a comment that turned out to be a little lie (more on that later). Also, alarmingly he told me that he had Rory Fallon at home. Knowing Simon B to be a somewhat fanatical Argyle fan, I thought he'd finally gone bonkers and actually kidnapped New Zealand's World Cup hero, perhaps as punishment for only getting a meagre 5 goals in Argyle's unsuccessful bid to avoid the drop. Thankfully, it turned out he (along with Phil McBride and Steve Sav) is just collecting football stickers, which is nice, after all a lad needs a hobby.

Steve J and Will were linking up brilliantly and a long range pile-driver from Will was deflected out for a corner by Matt who was foolish enough to get his head in the way - ouch! Tuvvy was battling away upfront like normal and in one attack, turned and released an exquisite volley with the outside of his boot - it dipped and curved but it went just wide and the keeper had looked beaten too - unlucky. Dave's team had a number of corners and kick-ins (at one point there were about five in a row) but Roy's defence held firm, and also had a bit of luck with one clearance from Kev hitting Matt on the knee and going out for a corner, just inches wide of the post. Kev also made a good save down at his near post and Simon B broke on the right and hit a shot wide when he will have been disappointed not to have hit the target. Just when the danger seemed to have past, Steve J got the ball on the right and let fly with a perfect volley which curled and dipped into the top corner. Awesome! That made the score 4-1 and, once again, a possible clean sheet was lost.

Will, in goal, booted the ball the full length of the pitch to Simon B on the left wing, he displayed outstanding control to bring the ball down and start and attack and Kev Church had to be alert to make the save. A few moments later Will tried the same, but this time his kick was a bit wayward, however, Simon B pulled off a fantastic header to keep the ball in and find one of his team mates - so he does head the ball when required! Later on, he even kept one in with his backside - if you can imagine a hot air balloon cushioning a golf ball, you'll be somewhere near. Simon B had been playing well but, like Tuvvy, hadn't really had a clear site of goal. One attack led to a looping shot (I think from Tuvvy or Tom) that beat the keeper but Buncey was on the line to acrobatically hook the ball away - great defending again from Roy's team.

Roy's team were breaking out occasionally and managing a few decent attacks. Simon J in particular seemed to be everywhere and with Andy T expertly breaking up many of Dave's team's attacks Roy's team were getting back in the game. Buncey and Simon J displayed some awesome passing and moving and the close control was excellent. However, Sam, Dave, Tom and Jason Norwich were in no mood to let anything by them and with Roy, Steve G, Matt and Kev kept busy with Simon B, Will, Steve J, Rich C and Jason F there wasn't much support from midfield. One great corner from Buncey saw Gavin volley against the bar - so close! The pressure paid off though and Simon J bagged another goal to make the score 6-1 and Roy's team were surely home and dry. Steve Gagg put a powerful shot over the bar - and over the fence and not to be outdone Tom blasted one onto the school roof. Paul, who had been having a solid game was doing well linking defence and attack and had a great effort tipped wide by Tuvvy in goal. It was good to see Paul back and he had a great game, some of his passing was excellent.

Will had a rasping volley from outside the box that flew past Kev's head and seemed destined for the top corner. Matt, in goal, saw it late, but in a scene resembling a promotional video for "Fat Fighters", he managed to stick out a chubby arm and get his sausage-like fingers to the ball to deflect it wide. If a butterfly flapping it's wings can cause an earthquake I dread to think what happened somewhere when Matt landed after that dive! Soon after, Matt saved from Steve J after Steve had got clear on the left and cut inside to shoot, then he saved again from Steve J when he tried his luck from outside the box, however, the ball fell to Dave who made no mistake with the rebound and he pulled one back to make it 6-2. Some great crosses were coming in from Tom, Jason Norwich and Steve J but they just wouldn't fall nicely for Simon B or Jason F. Then Jason F robbed Matt in defence and nearly got a shot away, fortunately for Matt he recovered in time to get a block in. Then a brilliant cross found Sam at the back post but he couldn't quite connect and he deflected the ball away from the waiting Simon B.

Steve J went on one of his trademark runs and chipped the ball over Matt in goal - a perfect cross to the back post were Simon B was waiting to head in off the post (again, proof he will head the ball when he fancies it). Simon just looked at Matt and said "Goal Of The Week". It turned out to be the last touch of the game as "Time!" was called and the match ended 6-3 to Roy's team who will be grateful they raced into a four goal lead (after swapping teams around the final score would have been 3-2 to Dave's team and Simon B would be impossible if he'd got the winner with the last touch of the match!).

Goal Of The Week: Whatever Simon says about his header (which admittedly was a nice goal) even he won't be able to argue with this week's winner. Steve J's volley from miles out. Hit with the outside of his boot (my notes say "outside of the boat" but I think that is a typo) it dipped and curled past the keeper at a time in the game where Dave's team must have been wondering if they would get on the score sheet at all. A thing of beauty, it was more Goal Of The Decade than Goal Of The Week - an exceptional finish and just goes to show what a great player Steve is.

Player Of The Week: Good games from Steve Gagg (unflappable again), Buncey (tireless running and great skill), Simon B (nice control and a nightmare for Roy's defence), Kev (brilliant game everywhere on the pitch), Will (bags of skill) and Roy (steely defending once again). However, two guys stood out more than the rest and that was Steve J and Simon J. Steve is an exceptional player and always has a good game, but after being heavily involved in getting Roy's team 4-0 up he had to swap teams and try and claw the goals back. On another day, with a bit more luck, Dave's team would have managed it as well. Great game Steve and a class goal. This week's POTW though goes to Simon J - he was everywhere. I lost count of the number of tackles and defensive interceptions he made and he also grabbed a couple of goals. I think he and Buncey relish playing together as they have a similar ability to control the ball when there seems to be no space - some of their attacks were a joy to watch. Simon always seems to be available for a pass or to be in just the right place to intercept an attack and is obviously someone who can read the game really well. Like a cross between Michael Carrick, Harry Kewell and Rio Ferdinand with a hint of the Milky Bar Kid thrown in for good measure, Simon is unplayable when he's in the mood. A great game Simon, well done.

Tuvvy Watch: Tuvvy was unfortunate not to get on the score sheet this week. That leaves him only two games in which to get five goals and Matt's pint is looking safe. If only that volley had gone in!

Match Report: Wednesday 12th May

2010-05-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Sam's Team 5

Tom's Team 3

Sam's Team: Sam, Simon B, Jason F, Dave C, Gavin, Andy T, Rich C, Kev, Steve J, Mr X, Tuvvy

Tom's Team: Tom, Matt, Steve G, Buncey, Jason Norwich, Shorty, Will, Simon J, Roy

It was a great evening for a kick-about, the summer is definitely starting to kick in and we had Matt, Tom and Steve G back. Phil is still out injured and I guess Kerron just didn't fancy it this time. Just realised Sam's team had an extra 2 players - no wonder Simon B had a smirk on that said he knew a secret no-one else did (i.e. how to count). With Tom back and in charge of picking the starting 11 for the game on the 5th June, everyone wanted to put in a top drawer performance.

Sam's team started on the front foot and they had an imposing forward line of Tuvvy, Gavin, Mr X with Andy, Jason F and Dave C supporting from midfield. With Tom starting between the sticks, his defence consisted of the steel-shined Roy Gibson, cool but deadly Steve Gagg and Matt and they were under a lot of pressure. Dave had a thunderous drive from just outside the area that flew inches over the bar, Tom did well to get out of the way because he would have lost a hand trying to stop that one.

Finally, the pressure paid off when a shot came in low and fast from Sam's team and was destined for the bottom corner. However, Matt had placed himself at the back post and this was his chance for glory - a chance to perform a simply out-of-this-world last ditch clearance off the line that was so good Alan Hansen would wet himself with joy. Sadly though, Matt sliced the ball into the back of his own net. Alan Hansen would have mocked him with a sardonic, monotone Scottish voice and explained about "playing percentages". Matt lay in the six yard box, head in hands like a kind of monstrous Emo-Whale.

Tuuvy added a second soon afterwards flicking the ball into the bottom corner after a low cross. It was a

really nice goal and Tuvvy is on fire at the moment with, I think, 6 in 3 games. He is relishing the

"Emile Heskey but with goals" role he has developed over the last month or so. If he can get 5 more goals

in his next 3 games, I'll buy him a beer.

Two soon became three when Gavin, who had been playing well on the right wing, scored from close range.

Then a nightmare backpass from Matt to Steve G led to an almighty scramble and the ball pinged around off all

sorts of appendages before finally being hacked clear by Roy, lucky for Matt that Roy was in no mood to be

charitable and was having a fantastic game in defence.

Tom's team were struggling to get a clear sight of goal and although Will, Buncey, Simon J and Shorty were all linking well and displaying some excellent passing, there didn't seem to be a way past the wall-like defence of Sam, Simon B and Steve J. With Andy charging up and down the left like a proper wingback and Jason F putting in some great tackles Tom's team were reduced to long range efforts and trying to cross the ball in from deep. Will had a couple of good efforts but found Kev Church in great form in goal - Kev made one brilliant double save. Then he was replaced by Sam who also had a great game in goal. Simon B was loving it and after about 30 mins was starting to sense the first ever clean sheet was in sight.

Then Mr X broke on the left a fired a shot across goal but Matt dived full stretch and tipped it out for a

corner. The corner led to a bit of a scramble and the ball eventually fell to Steve J who tried his luck

from distance but Matt dived again and punched the ball away. Two good saves and it was time to swap

keepers (quit while you're ahead).

Tom broke through and the ball dropped to him on the left side of the area "ahhh, my left foot" he shouted

but still managed to get a decent shot away that went just wide of the right hand post. Buncey had a

curling and dipping shot from distance bit it didn't trouble the keeper. Then Roy burst out of defence and hit

a great shot from about 25 yards, but it just drifted wide. Would Tom's team ever score?

Then finally, Tom's team got the break through. Matt won a header on the left and Will picked the ball up and curled a great shot in off the post. Relief all round for Tom's team who had started to worry about the embarrassment of not scoring. Simon B was gutted and decided to try his hand up front.

In a moment of pure class, Andy T kept the ball in on the left and in the same movement turned spreading

the ball to the opposite side of the pitch straight to Gavin's feet, setting him through on goal. It was a

pass that was so good Tuvvy couldn't contain himself and burst into a fit of, what can only be described

as, maniacal laughter, like an insane jack-in-the-box clown. I was convinced he was going to pull an axe

out and bury it into someone's head whilst giggling and saying "the voices, they like the red water". Erm,

anyway, it was a good pass.

A good run and a bit of trickery on the left from Tom led to him shooting low across goal and the ball nestled snugly in the bottom corner - he'd scored with his left foot!

Jason Norwich was having a blinder in defence and was winning absolutely everything in the air. Steve Gagg was also rock solid. Steve remains calm and assured when defending, preferring the intelligent pass out to feet rather than the panic stricken hoof up the pitch. He's a great passer and has a football brain the size of a small city. Disguising himself as Louis Theroux he seems to pop up and find space where there didn't appear to be any, Steve was the puppet master in Tom's team and had an outstanding game. However, despite a great back line (that included an on fire Roy) Gavin grabbed a second and Mr X got on the score sheet and it was 5-2.

Dave went on a run and Matt dived in late and was lucky that Dave skipped over the challenge or we could have had another player in hospital, an awful challenge and a yellow card. Then Kev decided to get in on the action and took a wild swing at Matt and although Matt skipped round the challenge a free kick was awarded. I say "skipped around" but it was more like watching the Pillsbury dough boy fall down a lift shaft.

Rich C who'd been having a fantastic game in the left, cleared the ball out of defence and it hit Matt (who was about 2 yards away) and bounced up into his hand - free kick. "Why was that a free kick and not the one that happened in the penalty area a few moments ago?" cried half of Sam's team. That's is life my friends, it's a savage garden out there. A savage garden.

Matt got a sight of goal from distance and tried to curl one in, but Steve J got in a great last second

bloke and it took all the pace off the ball and the keeper easily plucked the ball out of the air. Then Tuvvy had a shot that went agonisingly close and shaved paint off the post before Will pulled another back with a great finish. Steve J then went on a brilliant mazy run before being expertly hacked down by Roy about 4 millimetres outside the box. Time was called but Steve simply called back "Time for what?" and then took the free kick, but it came to nothing and the game ended 5-3.

So, a good game and although it threatened at times to be completely lopsided on closer inspection it was actually reasonably even. A bit like Lembit Opik's face then.

Goal Of The Week: I am tempted to pick Will's first, not only because of the relief that we'd got on the score sheet, but it was a great finish. However, this week Tuvvy wins goal of the week. I thought his finish was exquisite - a real striker's goal. Tuvvy is having a great season and seems to have found his preferred position. Tuvvy's a kind of cross between Brian Blessed and the Honey Monster with the eye for goal of Alan Shearer. Great finish Tuvvy.

Player Of The Week: Lots of good performances again. Both Steves were fantastic, Jason Norwich, Roy and Simon B were all excellent in defence. Both Church brothers played really well. Will, Buncey and Simon J were full of their usually trickery. Tuvvy was a great target man again and Andy was everywhere making some great tackles. Sam was exceptional again in defence, I don't think anything got past him all night and he was immensely frustrating to play against. Sam just seems to get better and better and on another day would have walked away with the POTW award. However, Dave was in scintillating form last night and didn't put a foot wrong. He made a countless number of great tackles and won almost everything in the middle of the park. He broke up loads of Tom's team's attacks and started numerous counter attacks. He also had a couple of really good efforts on goal and was unfortunate not to get on the scoresheet. How did Capello overlook Dave? Being tackled by Dave is like being enveloped in the arms of your ex for the last time, it should hurt, but just leaves you confused and feeling like something (in this case, the ball) is missing. Trying to tackle him is like trying to stop a train with your face - he's just rock hard. Like Jaws in Moonraker he's a bit of a gentle giant really, kinda like a rhino crossed with Jean Claude Van Damme and Joe Cole with the tackling ability of Nemanja Vidic and the sensitivity of Gazza. Great game Dave, surely first name on the team sheet for the 5th June now?

Match Report: Wednesday 5th May

2010-05-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Bibs – Roy’s team: Tuvvy, Rich B, Kev, Sam, Simon J, Roy, Jason Norwoich, Ross 9
Colours – Towney’s team: Will, Dave, Gavin, Rich C, Jason, Towney, Simon B, Dan 3

Another clear night, another great turn out including two newies in Ross and Dan who are friends of Jason Norwich, and another good game to watch.

Simon B picked sides and handed out bibs and immediately regretted it with Rich B and Simon Jowitt linking in midfield and spreading the ball around, however, no goals were forthcoming for either side. Tuvvy had started off in net for colours and was proving as good a stopper as he is a scorer and he denied Towney from close range.

At the other end, Simon J touched over the bar from close range and give it the proper, hands on head routine! Simon then turned in a stint in goal and had to be alert when Will crashed in one of his long range efforts….10 mins gone and still no goal.

The crowd were now baying for a goal, Kev tried his best with an exquisite turn and shot but over, Rich B weaved the kind of magic he hasn’t seen at Middlesboro since Downing left but Rich C was in no mood to allow the first goal in. It certainly wasn’t a boring match, and the level of skill was high. Matt Young will find it hard to keep up with it when he returns on wed – especially after all the drinking he’s allegedly been up to in Northumberland. ….

Back to the game; Dave C headed down a corner, for Simon..surely the master finisher was going to open up the scoring….over the bar. Rich B was playing really well in a drifting role, this time though Gavin stopped his shot. In desperation Roy ventured forward and through the nose bleed hit a shot. Over. 20 minutes gone…STILL 0-0!

Finally, Dan, newly arrived produced the quality to break Bibs’ defence, and laid it off to Will 0-1. The crowd went wild with relief – and with the confidence of the goal, colours went in search of a second. A great move saw Gavin and Will link but Simon B hit it wide. Then the sucker punch, and in my notes it reads 5 -> 3 -> 2 -> 1 (1-1) (own goal). In reality this means Simon J, Kev C and Rich B all linked in a great move starting in defence and Tuvvy equalised….can’t remember the own goal bit – was it Simon B?!! Answers on a postcard please to usual address.

At this point the lack of Brett, Phil, Matt and both Steves showed as neither team had any defenders!!! It was great to watch both sides playing effectively 1 – 5 – 2 and ‘going for it’. Suddenly the dam broke in dramatic style (think Wigan at Spurs this season), although it took touch of controversy. Simon J took the ball down the right, colours defence called the ball out – the linesman (sort, assistant referee) shouted ply on and Ross finished – 2-1 Bibs. 3-1 immediately followed, again a great build up with Ross and Kev linking up for Rich B to tap in – with his left foot! Rich then hit the bar after Jason N and Ross had set him up and Ross hit the post. There was more one way traffic than when Woody calls “It’s my round at the bar”. Tuvvy kept his composure again and made it 4-1. Not to be outdone, Simon J hit a 40 yard cross field pass to Tuvvy, who brought it down and passed to Jason who scored for 5-1.

Towney’s team were shell shocked. They had been in the game for 25 mins and now were destined to lose. Will had other ideas – give him a bit of space and he will punish you (thinking about it, he punishes you in very little space, but in the case, he did have space). Intercepting in his defensive third, he set off at pace, weaving round the non-existent defence before laying it off for Gavin to tap in. 5-2.

Again the game was strangely even, both sides attacking like in the film 300. It was only the score line that was imbalanced. Ross caped a fine debut with another for 6-2, Dan not to be outdone, scored after a nice layoff from Dave and Tuvvy completed his hat trick for 7-3.
Towney was back in net, making good saves with his feet and rushing out of goal to block attacks. He was unlucky that the first time he used his hands, it fell straight to Jason who made it 8-3. Heads were down on colours, players were massing on the touch line for the next match. Still enough time for Dan to hit over the bar from a closer range than Simon earlier in the game and for Towney to come out of goal and hit a quality effort over the fence. Having dominated for a couple of minutes, it was therefore a further irritation to colours that even when Jason had made a great save in net, Simon J got a tap in for 9-3 and the game was over.

Goal of the week: There wasn’t quite the quality of the previous weeks’. Most seemed to be tap ins, although Tuvvy will try and claim he scored 3 so one should be, and Rich B will bring up the fact his was left footed…however, I am one for team build ups and Jason Norwich scored a good goal after Simon J and Tuvvy had combined over 40 yards. So for the second week running, it goes to a goal born out of team play. Well done bibs and Jason.

Man of the match: No competition! Simon Jowett was awesome. He was everywhere, heading clear, tackling, saving and spraying the ball around. He also got the final goal. A really fine performance and when he sobers up from Leeds’ promotion, he can be thoroughly proud of himself!! Well done Simon.

Match Report: Wed 28th April 2010

2010-05-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

Will’s Team 6 (Matt, Rich B, Simon B, Steve, Will, Jason, young Simon and Kev)
Tuvvy’s Team 4 (Sam, Dave, Rich C, Andy, Tuvvy, Roy, Jason Norwich, Gavin)

You know how it is – a big game, you set off early, meet your mates and go to the match high in expectation of watching a classic….only for the traffic to be appalling, the queue to get in the be round the ground and then when you try to get to your seat someone else is in it so you miss the first 10 mins? That’s what it was like for me on Wednesday night….without the traffic, queue and someone else……or friends now I think about it………
However, I was pathetically excited about watching the latest episode in the St Paul’s Wednesday night saga so imagine my pleasure at finding out that it was still 0-0 (despite Buncey claiming I’d missed his perfect hat trick already!!).

At this point the game still hadn’t really settled, 10 mins in an Matt and I were having a good chat behind the goal (well I was – he was in it) and I was finding out about Kerron [bored and would probably appreciate some texts/dvds etc if you can spare 5 mins] and watching space on the left for Rich Church for Tuvvy’s team and down the middle for Simon B for Wills. Nothing seemed to be falling for either of them though despite the best efforts of the collective midfields.

Finally the deadlock was broken and it took a bit of luck. A shot from Steve, hit Jason Norwich and fell to Simon B who slotted home. 1-0 to Will’s lot. Will’s team suddenly began to apply pressure, Roy cleared off the line and one for the record books, Towny saved one…with his hands…and it was going in. Will had left his shooting boots with Yaya Toure (see shot v Inter) and was getting some grief from the crowd as he blasted high wide and well pretty much every where but in the goal. Simon was once again industrious but was finding no room past Roy or Sam.

Eventually the tide would turn and it turned round the Alan Cork (http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/photos/photos.aspx?cp-documentid=150370278&page=7) look alike that is Tuvvy. His first contribution was a wonderful low finish into the bottom corner after good work from Gavin. Tuvvy has improved so much in the past 12 months and this finish demonstrated it – he didn’t panic, kept his head over the ball and drilled it – even the cat Kev would have had no chance. Tuvvy’s next action was to magnificently chest down a goal kick to Gavin who finished into the bottom corner with an unstoppable shot. A great goal and Tuvvy’s team lead 2-1.

The game had now got a pattern and it was this: Will’s team were playing a really nice passing game, moving the ball left and rigft with Buncey, Will and Steve instrumental in their moves. Simon was running backwards and forwards across the line like he was auditioning for the closing scenes of a Benny Hill show and Jason holding a wide left position. Tuvvy’s team were playing a much more direct game with Dave and Roy happy to shift the ball out to the left where Rich C was causing real problems for the whole defence (Matt).

Simon B delighted the crowd with a flick round the defender only for the ball to drop agonisingly away from him to the keeper. A great intercept by Buncey started and attack – Buncey to young Simon, young Simon to Jason, Jason shoots – over the bar. Great stuff. Next it was Matt’s turn to get to the ball first and drive forward, his pass to Will was firm, Will tried to do what Simon had done two minutes earlier….but missed completely and ended up looking like a flamingo (with his face about the right colour too). It was a strangley one sided affair but still Tuvvy’s team lead.
Then can the kind of battle you pay to see – imagine Neil Ruddock meets Chris Morgan; Di Canio versus Allcock..Jason and Roy went at it as the ball broke lose - both teams cheered on their man as the battled fro it…Jason won out, the ball broke to Will who broke his duck (and quite rightly taunted the crowd).

I think the game was level for about 20 seconds! Tuvvy once again benefitting from some over-passing at the back to finish – 3-2. Jason Norwich was having his turn in net and clearly getting bored – after one long range effort, he brought it down on his chest, onto his thigh and volleyed clear – good skills, and something that Will’s team should have been looking out for later in the game.

There then followed a period of what can only be described as Sunday league finishing. I haven’t really mentioned Rich C that much but he was playing really well for Tuvvy’s team. He was bossing the left wing but also making good runs, holding the ball up and releasing the likes of Tuvvy and Gavin constantly. However, he now was given a couple of good opportunities to extend the lead….the first went out for a throw, the second through the gate…throw or goal kick? Dave also felt that the way to goal was via the corner flag and not to be out done for Will’s side, Matt also nested the ball firmly in the corner of the pitch rather than the net though.

Jason Norwich had come out of net and was determined to get a goal. He ran half the length of the pitch on one mazey dribble onto have his shot saved by young Simon. The game was really open now, Steve got his second after good work from Buncey and we were very much game on at 3-3.

Then the turning point – Gavin left. It meant Tuvvy’s team were a man down and with the passing from Will’s side increasing all the while, Tuvvy’s team were always going to struggle. Steve grabbed his second after a neat layoff from Simon B and Matt got on the score sheet with a tap in – assist to Steve again. 5- 3 Will.
But Tuvvy’s team were not ones to lie down and having given them fair warning earlier Jason Norwich scored. This time it was chest, thigh, dribble, goal. Very pleasing on the eye, especially as Buncey had just gone in net…..and was out again before you could say “Great goal Jason”.

Events were running to a close – the masses of fans were ready to invade the pitch (or rather the next booking was ready). Just enough time for Captain Will to score his second wiuth a well timed run and finish.
A really good game of two well balanced teams playing different styles. Definitely better than watching Inter bore the pants of 98000 Catalans in Barcelona!!

Goal of the game: There were a number of contenders for this – Tuvvy’s cool finish, the final goal of Wills and Jason Norwich one man quest of keepie upies….however goal of the game was a really good team goal. Will crossed from the left to Simon B whose one touch knock down was perfect for Steve to hit it first time in the bottom corner. A classy goal and although Steve gets it – well done Will and Simon too.

Man of the match: As always a number of players stand up on an evening and look the part. Jason Norwich is becoming more and more confident on the ball, Matt had a great game in defence, Simon was every where, Steve and Will passed all night (although Will was probably trying to shoot). Rich Church had a blinder out on the left, Buncey looked clam and collected again (except in goal). Gavin was great when he was running at people and scored a good goal…..however one player was absolutely solid at the back for Tuvvy’s side. He marked well, intercepted and took control when he needed too. Sam gets my man of the match –well played young sir!