The Road To Butcher's Hill

The Road To Butchers Hill

St Paul's had been invited to enter a 7aSide tournament organised by YCFL (the league we are joining in September) and the invitation was eagerly accepted. A squad, for once, was easy to get together and consisted: Kev Church, Rich Church, Roy Gibson, Phil 'Jags' McBride, Matt Young, Tom Haigh, Matt Herbert, Will Gardener, Kerron Cross and Ed Boon. Simon 'Pretty Boy' Bissett couldn't play due to a recent operation so joined us to manage the team and provide any muscle needed for protection (the tournament was in Leeds after all).

The plan was to meet at Energise at 9:45am and drive to Butchers Hill Playing Fields in convoy in order to arrive in time to register (although, it turns out, registering pretty much involved just parking and kicking a ball about). Everyone got there on time expect for captain sensible himself, Phil McBride, who decided to turn up 10 minutes late – each minute seeing Pretty Boy get more and more irate. When Phil eventually blessed us with his presence everyone just jumped in their cars and headed off in their own direction. So much for going in convoy...

Turns out that Pretty Boy is an excellent navigator and we arrived at Butchers Hill on time, which is when we discovered that we would be playing on grass and none of us had brought boots. Fortunately, that didn't seem to matter in the end.

We picked an empty goal from the four pitches that had been set up and started taking pot shots at Kev whilst Pretty Boy and captain Tom discussed starting line-ups and a new “Christmas Tree” formation. Worryingly we spent more time collecting the ball from behind the goal than Kev did making any saves or picking the ball out of the net. Churchy (whose definition of “a pair of shorts” leaves a lot to be desired) was particularly wayward which is very out of character.

We didn't practice penalties.

Eventually the teams (16 or so) were called together and the rules of the tournament were explained and groups read out. We would be in a group with: ICC Doncaster, St John's and Gateway FC.

First up in our group was Gateway FC v ICC Doncaster (if ICC were a boxer they would be Ivan Drago), the ref blew the whistle and ICC kicked off. What followed was actually quite scary. ICC passed the ball at speed and had a fluid team movement that Barcelona would have been taking notes from. After 10 seconds the ball was in the back of the Gateway net and our “dugout” was stunned into a worried silence with a few of us exchanging “what are we doing here?” looks... except for Simon, whose eyes narrowed determinedly. Goodness knows how Gateway felt but to their credit they they pulled themselves together and kept it tight for the rest of the game and even fashioned a few half chances (their number 10 looked like one to watch out for). However, despite a battling performance from Gateway, ICC won 2-0 and it was time for our game against St John's. Simon's instructions: “Do not lose the first game.”

We lined up with Kev in goal and a backline of Churchy, Matt Y and Roy, Tom and Matt H made up the midfield and Will started on his own upfront with instructions to always stay as far forward as possible. St John's put St Paul's under plenty of pressure from the off and St Paul's were finding it hard to break forward. The back three were struggling (you'd never have guessed they played together every Wednesday evening) and it wasn't long before St John's were went 1 up. Simon responded quickly by bringing Phil on for Roy and moving Matt Y to right-back with Phil slotting into the centre. Phil's barked orders steadying the defence and St Paul's started to look a bit more solid and even started to put pressure on the St John's defence. However, after a good passing move St John's went 2-0 up. A great move between Will, Tom and Matt H nearly ended in a goal but Matt nodded a header wide when he would have expected to score. St Paul's continued to defend well and with a few minutes to go the ball broke to Matt H and he beat a player or two before calmly slotting the ball past the keeper to make it 2-1 and give St Paul's a glimmer of hope. St Paul's continued to press but St John's held out and the game finished 2-1 to St John's.

We were straight back on to face Gateway FC and with ICC up next we really needed to win the game to stand a realistic chance of qualifying. Phil and Matt Y were determined to keep their number 10 quiet and therefore nullify Gateway's main goal threat. It was tight, hard fought game but St Paul's had the better chances, Will, Matt H, Kerron and Tom all going close, Ed was battling well upfront and Phil and Matt Y were keeping things quiet at the back which gave Will more opportunity to push forward. There were a couple of comical “PHIL'S... oh, maybe not...” shouts from Phil, but otherwise he had the defence sewn up tighter than a Scotsman's purse. Gateway nearly pinched it right at the death when a long ball found its way through to their sub about 5 yards from goal. A clever flick needed a smart save from Kev to keep things level. So, the game ended 0-0 and we had our first point but would need a good performance to beat ICC and stand a chance of qualifying for the main knockout stage.

We sat out the next game and watched Gateway FC v St John's. We were routing for St John's as we were level on points with Gateway and didn't want to finish bottom of the group. However, Gateway, despite being under a lot of pressure, took the lead against the run of play – their flashy number 10 found himself in acres of space and smashed the ball past the keeper. St John's upped their game and put Gateway under constant pressure but it looked like Gateway would hold out, however, St John's grabbed two quick goals with time running out and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, winning the game 2-1. Although it was the result we wanted it was hard not to feel sorry for Gateway. The result also meant that we couldn't qualify for the main knockout stage.

ICC Doncaster were up next, a team straight out of the Roy Of The Rovers villainous football teams handbook. They had a fat keeper who was a thug, an excellent number 10 that they all worshipped and a dirty number 14 who made Jimmy Bullard look like Mr Universe. In the words of Kevin Keegan, I would love it if we beat them. It's probably a good thing pretty boy was injured or things could have got a bit tasty!

The game kicked off and ICC started with a swagger that said “This is going to be easy”, however, Phil, Matt Y, Will and Tom were defending well and Ed was holding the ball up well up front, add Matt H's runs down the wing and the game was a lot more even than you would have expected. Then a bit of controversy that would prove to be crucial. Matt H weaved his way into the area and was brought down by the keeper about 3 or 4 yards from goal. As one, St Paul's shouted “PENALTY” but the ref inexplicably awarded a free-kick! St Paul's worked a shot from the free-kick but it was blocked by a defender. That incident galvanised ICC but they couldn't break through a stubborn St Paul's defence and were restricted to taking shots from distance that didn't trouble Kev. ICC did come close when their number 10 waltzed past Matt Y and hit a powerful shot that struck the bar and bounced down and out (not even a Russian linesman could have argued that that had gone in). With a couple of minutes left one of ICC's player burst through the middle and Tom had no option but to bring him down on the edge of the area for a free-kick. They took a shot from the free-kick but it struck the ref (why he was standing there I will never know!) and re-bounded nicely to one of their players whose scuffed shot wrong footed St Paul's defence and the ball trickled into the corner of the goal. So, the game finished 1-0 to ICC and it felt like a most unjust defeat, especially when Pretty Boy asked the ref why he hadn't awarded us a penalty and he responded that he didn't know we were doing penalties (!!) and that if he had known he would have given one.

I think the table finished like:

P F A Pts
ICC 3 5 0 9
St John's 3 4 4 6
St Paul's 3 1 3 1
Gateway FC 3 1 4 1

The top two teams from each group went into a knockout stage to play for the cup and the bottom two into another knockout stage to compete for the“trophy” so we know we had at least one more game to play, but first lunch....

Lunch was a burger and a promise of a hotdog once we got knocked out. During lunch the league handed out various awards from the season – league champions, cup winners, leading scorers etc. All three of the teams from our group went up and received something – talk about a tough draw! Pretty Boy wandered off to a local pub for a pint, the pub looked bad from the outside, but apparently that was nothing compared to the inside! (bizarrely I gather he was offered a large quantity of milk from the back of someone's car). Two guys gave their testimonies, which I thought was interesting and, whatever your views on what they were saying, I think you have to admire them for having the guts to do it in front of a hundred or so blokes. Anyway, on to the knockout stages,,,,,

First up were Scunthorpe Irons and by now Pretty Boy had settled on a starting line up of: Kev, Will, Phil, Matt Y, Tom, Matt H and Ed. Having seen a couple of teams play the first knockout game we were feeling reasonably confident as it was apparent that the quality was not as good as that which we had already faced, In fact, Tom declared that he “fancied lifting a trophy” and promised if we won it he would join us at church the next morning (to place the cup on the alter).

Warming up next to the pitch left me very concious of the burger that was sitting in the bottom of my stomach like an animal rights activist chained to a gate, perhaps lunch should have been a little lighter! We kicked off against Scunthorpe Irons and to be fair never really looked in trouble, Phil continued to dominate in defence and and Kev didn't have much to do. Matt Y won the ball in the right-back position and Matt H gave him a great call which stopped Matt Y smashing the ball out, instead, he looked up and found Matt H with a nice long ball. Matt H controlled the ball brilliantly, beat a player and hammered the ball into the top corner, a great goal and we were 1-0 up. Shortly afterwards Tom added a second with a nice cross-come-shot that looped over the keeper. We relaxed after that and the saw the game out without incident and we were in the semi-final.

We caught the end of the other quarter-final and saw Frank Worthington FC (I'm sure they were called that, but it's an odd name for a footy club) knock out our group mates Gateway FC on penalties. Did I mention that we hadn't practiced penalties?

So, we face FWFC in the semi-final and it was a much tighter game that the previous one, however, both keepers were pretty much untroubled, it was one of those games where the defences are on top and there wasn't much goal mouth action despite both times trying to win the game in normal time. However, time slipped away and the final whistle blew and left us facing a penalty shootout. The shootout was straight into sudden death and Pretty Boy had at least three volunteers (Tom, Will and Matt H) to take a penalty.

Tom won the coin toss and Pretty Boy declared that we should kick first. Tom was like a rabid fighting dog on a leash and was eyeing the keeper with a confident, slightly knowing grin. The ref blew and Tom stepped forward and hammered the ball low into the bottom corner – i'm not sure the keeper even moved. 1-0.
Kev took his place in goal and bounced around making the goal look small, their penalty taker did not look confident and after a short run up put the ball exactly where Kev would have wanted it and he made the save look easy – we were though to the final 1-0 on penalties! Everyone ran to Kev to congratulate him, although, as Tom was at pains to point out, you have to score one first!

Our opponents in the Trophy Final were St Peter's – a team who had had a bye in the quarter final and gone straight into the semi-final.

St Peter's were a good side, certainly a step up from the previous two games, they had some good, quick, strong players and communicate well as a team. Nevertheless, St Paul's held their own and even fashioned the best chance of the first half when Matt H found Ed in the box after a good run, Ed took a touch before shooting and the shot was blocked. The first half was tight with St Peter's doing most of the attacking requiring Phil, Will and Matt Y to work hard in defence. Tom was battling hard in midfield and was tackling anything that moved and despite being on top St Peter's failed to fashion any clear-cut chances.

The second half was much the same as the first with both teams working hard, Phil nearly had a hernia bellowing at his defence after Matt Y had lost his man on a corner forcing Phil to step in with a last ditch block. Eventually though, the pressure paid off and St Peter's took the lead, and what a goal it was too. A peach of a cross from deep beat both Matt Y and Will and their striker buried an excellent header past Kev. 1-0 down and time was running out, St Paul's attacked with more urgency and there were half-chances for Kerron, Matt Y and Matt H but St Peter's defence did well and their were no decent opportunities for St Paul's strikers. A number of long throws into the area followed but the ball just would not fall for St Paul's, St Peter's held firm and the final whistle blew and the Trophy would not be coming to Holgate.

St Paul's were deflated but also felt that they could hold their heads high after some decent performances (they didn't lose any games by more than a one goal margin). It would have bee great to get our hands on the Trophy, especially seeing Tom deliver it to church. As it was, we headed to the nags head to reflect on the day and have a pint. The lads voted Matt Herbert as Player Of The Tournement with Phil Mcbride coming in a close second after a great performance in defence.

Player Ratings:

Kev: a sound pair of hands, Kev made a few stunning saves as always – the last minute save against Gateway and of course the semi-final penalty save stick in the mind. Kev commanded his area well and never looked anything other than as cool as ice. Rating: Gordon Banks

Churchy: solid and dependable as ever, Churchy showed his normal strength in the tackle and his excellent passing was on show once more. Always as a high work rate and often goes without the credit he deserves despite being such an essential member of St Paul's team. Rating: Paul Scholes

Roy: loves to get stuck in and gave all the attackers he faced a real headache (they would have felt it the next day). Roy battled hard and never gave up on anything, like a terrier always snapping at someone's heels allowing them no time on the ball. His distribution has improved no end as Roy has established himself as first choice left back in the 11aSide squad. A great performance. Rating: Stuart Pearce

Phil: rock solid and as imposing as an Israeli Border point. Brought a steadying presence to the defence when they were under pressure early in the first game and never looked back, organising, shouting, tackling, blocking and winning everything that cam his way, Phil quite simply immense. Rating: Phil Jagielka

Matt Y: struggled to impose himself at centre back before being replaced by Phil. Did better at right-back but went missing in the knockout stages. Needs to improve going forward and also looks like he could do with losing a stone or two. Tried hard. Rating: Kenny Sansom.

Will: played most of the tournament at left-back and was quality. Great tackling and passing as you would expect from Will as well as his usual flashes of outstanding skill. Unlucky not to get on the scoresheet against Gateway when a great shot flashed wide. One of the first names on the teamsheet everytime, Will had a great tournament. Rating: Roberto Carlos

Tom: worked harder than an entire Mississippi chain gang, Tom was awesome in midfield. Loves a battle and not afraid to put the boot in but also has the skill and deft touch of a quality player. Tom scored a great goal and took a fantastic penalty, showing real nerve to step up to take one. St Paul's captain and a real character , looking forward to seeing Tom in the league team next season. Rating: Zidane

Matt H: St Paul's Player Of The Tournament and was quality throughout. Has a great awareness and touch and loves to run at the opposition. A relatively new player in the team but has settled in as if he's been around for years. Scored two great goals and ran himself into the ground. Matt is one of those players that can make things happen and it's going to be great seeing him in the 11aSide team. His first test? Buy a kit for St Paul's that is a colour that won't upset Pretty Boy. Rating: Lionel Messi

Kerron: Fought for every ball upfront and gave a great “target man's” performance. Was unlucky not to get a clear sight of goal but showed some great skill, especially with a nice run against Gateway where he beat most of their team before being crowed out. Has battled back from a broken leg and is perhaps not yet a 100% fit. Sure to be a very important player in the coming league campaign. Rating: Luther Blissett

Ed: like Kerron Ed fought hard upfront and kept the opposition on their toes. Never seems to be phased by anything and is improving all the time. Ed has become a main part of the 7aSide squad and seems to be destined to be an equally important part of the league team. Has a great shot and nice passing ability but is also strong in the tackle and fearless. Top drawer. Rating: Marco Van Basten

Simon “Pretty Boy” Bissett: masterminded St Paul's journey from (literally) Energise to the final. Along with captain Tom came up with the new “Christmas Tree” formation for the team and it worked well. Showed great judgement bringing Phil on when he did and moving Will to left-back and also used the subs well throughout the day. Would have been playing if not for his injury, but did a fantastic job from the touchline and even found time to sneak of for a cheeky pint. Would make an excellent manager for the league team but it too important a player. Unlucky not to lead us to our first silverware. Rating: Bobby Robson (although having subsequently led us to our first victory against the Baptists in our 7aSide series, this is in danger of becoming “The Special One”).

Match Report: Wednesday 15th December

Carbs' Team 4

Ed's Team 9ish

Carbs' Team: Carbs, Roy, Tom H, Shaun, Tuvvy, Will, Dave C, Andy T, Robin, Sam
Ed's Team: Ed, Matt, Phil, Mike, Jason, Fletch, Tom W, Kev, Sam

After missing two weeks due to snow the Energise pitch was finally cleared and 17 of St Paul's finest and Matt turned up and the lack of football had left most of us looking like the crew of Das Boot. Tom H in particular had the look of a man who'd been locked in a cupboard for a week and been forced to watch the XFactor knowing all along that on the other channel England's batsman were dishing it out to the Aussies.

Matt picked the teams and Carbs' Team kicked off, shooting towards the school end. Phil, who has been away longer than a Chillean miner, immediately slotted into the centre-back player maker role that Brett had made his own (I assume Brett was missing as he was off foiling the penguin's latest scheme) and, such was his command of that side of the pitch, it freed up the likes of Kev and Tom W to support Jason, Fletch and Ed in attack. It wasn't long before Tom H was called into action in goal, alternating between sublime goalkeeping that would make Neville Southall proud and a kinda Anne Widdecome style prancing around the 6-yard area. It did the trick though and Ed's team couldn't find the break through despite some nice passing moves. Ed was unlucky with a couple of snap shots. Roy and Dave were defending brilliantly and Roy in particular looked like he meant business.

Then after defending another attack from Ed's Team, Carbs team broke quickly and the ball found its way to Carbs who showed his usual excellent control (the ball sticks to his feet almost like it's a part of him, it reminds me of Terminator 2, but with builders) and he looked odds-on to score but his curling shot struck a combination of post and bar and the rebound was cleared by the alert Kev Church. A warning to Ed's team.

Fletch then broke the deadlock with a nice finish into the bottom corner following another good move involving Mike and Ed. A few moments later Carbs' team were almost level when Matt gave the ball away in defence and Robin got through on goal, but his shot was well saved by Phil in goal. Ed then made it 2-0 with a quality flick with his heel after a good kick-in from Mike. It was nice to see that both teams were trying to play the ball on the deck and some of the passing displayed by the likes of Phil, Mike, Ed, Shaun, Carbs and Tom H was outstanding. Another good ball from Mike, this time from a corner found Matt at the back post, but the rotund Evertonian didn't get enough power into his header and Tuvvy easily plucked it from the air.

Will, Robin and Carbs were linking up really well and Dave was tackling well in midfield which gave Will the freedom to run with the ball. He showed some great skill to beat Matt, completely sending him the wrong way, but his shot drifted just wide of the post. By this point Sam had arrived and joined Carbs team, which put them 2 players up, but 2 goals down. However, Sam slotted into defence alongside Roy and Tom and Carbs team slowly started to dominate the game. Carbs scored a beauty after bringing the ball down, turning, beating a defender and smashing the ball past the keeper.

It was developing into a really good game and a hard fought contest. Mike, Fletch and Jason were doing well on the left and Mike was defending excellently. For Carbs team, Robin and Andy looked dangerous on their left and Roy was playing some fantastic long balls to the ever present goal-threat in the form of Carbs. Kev even got in on the act, by flicking a clearance over Will's head and turning to start an attack - was this Acomb or Brazil?

Robin set up Dave with a clever run to the byline and a nice ball into the area where Dave was waiting to smash home from 2 yards after a nice run to find space. Then Will scored one of his specials, a great finish from distance and a contender for Goal Of The Game. Will then looked odds-on to grab a second when the ball fell to him 6 yards out. With Kev struggling to get back in goal it looked certain to be 4-2, but somehow Will contrived to scuff his shot and in the end Kev made a rountine save. Not long after that, another goal did come (sorry, can't remember the scorer and it was 4-2). With Ed's team, 2 players and 2 goals down, Sam swapped teams to make it 9-a-side

Once again Sam proved to be the pivotal player and the game once again swung in the favour of Ed's team. Phil was now playing a more attacking role, slotting in behind the strikers and playing some lovely football, even the ever dependable defensive presence of Tom H struggled to keep Phil in check. A good corner from Ed was poked into the net by Kev, Phil grabbed a hat-trick (an event that, like him buying a round, happens only once in a lifetime) and even the Billy Bunter like Matt got on the scoresheet after beating both Will and Roy and slotting the ball past Tuvvy with the outside of his boot. Roy was unlucky when a brilliant clearance off the line after a shot by Matt was smashed straight back past him into the net by Kev. Ed had a great snapshot that drifted just wide, but his team were on top and the score was about 9-4.

The chances didn't stop though, only some good keeping by Jason, Kev and Sam stopped Carbs team getting more goals. One clearance by Sam was awesome, realising he'd strayed out of his area he leapt like the proverbial salmon and headed the ball away. Carbs thought he'd score but Kev pulled off one of his trademark quality saves and Andy blasted over on the back post when he really should have hit the target. At the other end, Phil was unlucky to head over a great corner from Ed and Fletch saw a missile of a shot go just wide.

Towny and Will then went for the same ball and ended up colliding in a moment reminiscent of the keystone cops and Kev nearly castrated Tuvvy with a high boot. It only happens at St Paul's footy!

There was just enough time for Carbs team to try for a consolation goal from a corner, but once again, Ed's team defended well and "time" was called. A great game after a frustrating break. Let's hope there's more of the same next week.

Goal Of The Week: Will's superb finish, he has a habit of scoring spectacular goals and this was up there with his best.

Player Of The Week: Loads of good performances this week. Carbs returned and proved that he still oozes class. Kev played as well as I ever seen him play and got 2 great goals, Will was excellent, Ed is now consistently one of the best players on the pitch. Sam played out of his skin, for both teams and his defending was brilliant. Roy defended heroically for Carbs' team. He seemed to be everywhere, putting in challenges and blocking shots. Also, as mentioned above, some of his passing was awesome. So, POTW so nearly went to Roy, but that would be ignoring the man in the SUFC kit. Phil started the game by bossing Carbs' team from his own half, they just could not get passed him. Everytime the ball came into his half he mopped it up, beat a player or two and then laid the ball off for a team mate. Quality. After a brief stint in goal which included a great save, he played the rest of the game up front and Tom and Roy just could not deal with him. Getting a fully deserved hat-trick was only half the story, Phil was involved in most of his teams goals and also ensured that his team kept their shape. Some people liken him to "Indiana Jones meets Mr Bronson in a football kit", some say he taught Carol Vorderman all she knows and others still say he's the lovechild of Jimmy Cranky and Lembut Opik, all I know is that is the best performance in that kit that you're going to see anywhere all season. Well done Phil.

Match Report: Wednesday 24th November

Sean's Team: 6
Jason's Team: 2

It was a glorious winters evening and an exceptionally tight match was played out between two evenly matched sides - until the last 5 minutes that is!

It was a game where the songwords from England's Italia 90 World Cup Song 'World in Motion' took on extra meaning. Do you remember John Barnes rapping ''There's only one way to beat them - get round the back?'' Well, this was game where no-one managed this - the midfielders on both teams passed well but defenders were solid and rarely forced to turn to face their own goal. They were in control!

Sean's team started well and sneaked an early goal. Their midfield was driven by James, Buncey and Rich Townend with Sean and Andy Towney providing outlets on either wing. After the early goal though the floodgates didn't open and the game became a cat and mouse stalemate. Fletcher's midfield came more into it with Mike, Ed and John playing some delightful triangles in the midfield. Their slower start was perhaps due to John finding his range after coming out of retirement 6 years ago ( although he's still only 22 ) and Mike reaching the age where it just takes him a little longer to get going.

But for a long period defenders stayed on top and in control. It would need something special to break this deadlock - and Fletcher provided it! After a good move down the right side a miss-hit shot by Jonny fell to Fletcher who finished cooly at the far past. 1-1.

But still the cat and mouse continued with midfielders working hard but not able to turn the defences and make clear chances. Finally, a low driven cross shot resulted in Andy Towney pouncing at the far post for Sean's team to take the lead again.

Skill of the week: A most wonderful piece of skill was witnessed by all as Roy, who appeared to be hemmed in by his own corner flag with nowhere to go by Buncey, turned and then nutmeged him. The look on Buncey's face was one of wanting the ground to open up before him. Buncey couldn't make it to the bar afterwards as he had a taxi waiting for him! Great skill Roy!

Good Attitude of the Week goes to Rich Townend and Mike who despite being on opposite teams managed to find time to compare their respective sermons for this Sunday - I bet that's not what Lee Bowyer and Joey Barton chat about in their midfield clashes!!

Another break from Fletcher's team gave Jonny a tap in equaliser and it was back to all square stalemate again.

With 5 minutes to go it looked as though 2-2 would be the final score but then Sean's team lost a couple of players - without even realising it! ( That doesn't happen in the Champions League ) Sean's team made the most of the overlap created and got a goal up. Fletcher's team then panicked as there was little time left for an equaliser; they pushed further forward leaving even bigger holes in the defence than there already were due to players leaving early. It was carnage and 6-2 was the final score - although Fletcher's team would like to claim a third goal as consolation but I'm not sure it counts when the goalkeeper and defender are taking their bibs off and are already halfway to the bar!

Afterwards the bar was indeed the place to be and several stayed for a drink and also voted for Goal of the Week and Player of the Week.

Player of the Week

Ed and James were voted jointly on this but in the end it was given to James after a final group discussion. He dominated the midfield like a colossus mixing skill, stength and speed in a midfield masterclass reminiscent of Gazza in the 90-91 season. Well done James!

Goal of the Week.

The clear winner was Jason Fletcher's goal. It was a good team passing move and although the final cross was a mis-hit shot by Jonny and the finish was a simple one from close range it was the way Jason had powered from one end of the pitch to the other to get himself in that position that impressed the voters. A year ago Jason would have had to have a sit down on the half way line to complete a run like that but not any more - so the GOTW goes to the lean, mean, footballing machine that is Fletcher!

There will be BIG prizes at the end of the season for Player of the Season and Goal of the Season. Prizes will be dependent on amount of cash in the kitty - at the moment 's looking like a night out with the Church brothers for the winner ( and 2 nights out with the Church brothers for the runner up )

Don't miss your chance to come to the bar and vote at the end of the game next week!!

Match Report by Jonny W

Match Report: Wednesday 1st September

Woody's Team 2
Phil's Team 5

Woody's Team: Woody, Matt, Jonny, Ed, Chris, Shaun, Jason, Andy T, Barry
Phil's Team: Phil, Carbs, Churchy, Kev, Tom W, Rich, Jonni

It may have only been the first day of September but the nights are definitely drawing in and I had to contemplate cycling to football with my lights on (decided against it, it runs the batteries down). It was a good turnout and it was great to see Woody and Carbs both return after long absences and Phil came down (despite his wife stealing his car) after a break of a few weeks. Still a lot of regulars missing and I'm starting to wonder if it's something I said?

The game kicked off and Woody started strongly - moaning that is! "Why do you do kick-ins? They're for girls! Why have you changed the price? That's daft! Why did you pick these teams? They're rubbish! Where is everyone who used to come? Why is Oaklands called Energise?" (to be fair, he had some valid points). All I could think to say was "Why are you wearing the smallest pair of shorts ever seen on a football pitch?" (scary sight). It was great to have him back though and was amusing watching the lads who'd never played with him before react to him "coaching" them throughout the game.

In reality it was Phil's team that started the stronger and the combination of the Church brothers, Jonni and Carbs was proving difficult for Woody's team to deal with and Jonni opened the scoring with a great finish past Jason. Phil's team were so on top that Phil was able to amble around in defence mopping up the occasional attack and simply encouraging his team. At this point Matt swapped teams and it wasn't long before he had a big impact... unfortunately it was giving away a penalty by performing the stupidest of handballs. Having run back to try and defend Matt saved a shot with his hand, even though the shot was going about 5 foot over the bar. Carbs dispatched the penalty with the ruthless efficiency of a Russian assassin and it was 2-0.

Desperate to make up for his stupidity Matt went upfront and after a nice ball from Woody, Matt produced an excellent turn which beat two defenders, some nice close control and a quick run and he was in the box looking odds on to score a great goal. However, Phil, in goal, had other ideas and drawing on all his powers as a mathematician rushed out at lightening speed and narrowed all the angles (Phil would say "Applied Riemannian geometry in a non-Euclidean metric to ascertain the most likely point of angular separation in a three-dimensional plane as a body of obese mass approached, using impulse momentum theorem." - he's blast at parties), Matt tried to slip the ball past him, but Phil made a great save and the score remained 2-0. That is the power of maths!

Carbs and Churchy were on fire and Churchy was bombing forward at every opportunity with Carbs making some excellent runs and displaying some exquisite control. At one point Phil hit a long ball towards Carbs and immediately went "ahrrgh, sorry Carbs" thinking he'd miss hit the pass but Carbs used his Peter Crouch style legs to effortlessly pluck the ball out of the air and he made the pass look excellent. A great ball through the middle from Churchy found Carbs and he ran at Matt twisting and turning and then unleashed an unstoppable shot into the bottom corner - a quality finished and 3-0.

Woody's team had been attacking and creating chances but they just couldn't seem to finish. Kev, Phil and Churchy all made good saves, then Matt skinned Phil with a nice run but his shot was poor and Jonni saved with his feet. Woody sent in a peach of a ball for Matt who got his head to the ball but, again, Jonni saved. A lovely run from Jonny and a nice pass set Jason up but his shot hit the post. Woody showed some amazing footwork to beat two players and create space for a shot, but his shot was too high. Someone (Chris I think) hit a great shot which beat the keeper but Jonni was on the line and cleared (the ball hit the bar but stayed out). Shaun and Ed both had half chances but it looked like Woody's team would never score. Phil, Kev and Rich were playing really well in defence and Tom W was tackling anything that moved. To make matters worse another good move and quick break from Phil's team led to Carbs grabbing his hat-trick and it was 4-0.

Then the goal finally came, Woody picked the ball up deep and a nice passing move ended with a great ball out to Andy T on the left wing and Andy ran onto the ball and smashed it into the roof of the net - a really nice goal and fully deserved.

Phil's team were showing no mercy though and were chasing more goals. Jonny had to make about 5 great saves in a row and then when Chris went in goal he saved well from Carbs (a great long range curler) and from Kev (Kev was unlucky after winning the ball in defence and starting the move, he got on the end of a great passing move and only a great save stopped him getting the goal he deserved). Then a beautiful pass from Churchy split the defence and found Phil who let fly with a brilliant long range volley which dipped into the top corner. Great goal and 4-1.

Matt went in for a ball in the corner and ended up twisting his ankle. A girly screech rang out around Oaklands and Matt crawled off the pitch like Dale Winton if he'd been punched by Frank Bruno. An ice pack was ordered and an accident form duly filled out... Matt is such a drama queen!

Anyway, while Matt was off the pitch, Chris pulled a goal back to make it 5-2 and Phil would like it noted that he could have "taken out" Jonny but decided to play fairly. News just in is that Phil had to go to hospital to have his toe checked out after fulfilling every St Paul's footballer's dreams... kicking Jonny.

So, that was that, time was called on a thoroughly engrossing and great game of football.

Goal Of The Week: Carbs scored a really nice goal as did Andy, but Phil's volley was inch perfect and struck with a lot of skill, also the pass from Churchy was sublime. Great goal Phil.

Player of the Week: Some top class performances this week. Woody was brilliant and has lost none of his skill or enthusiasm. Tom W had an exceptional debut and looks like he's a great player. Kev Church was awesome again (he's having a great season), Rich Church was brilliant, Ed just gets better and better (still needs a haircut though), Phil had a storming return, some great saves and a fabulous goal. Jonni and Rich were great in defence. Jonny W was so close to POTW, he had a great game, he still has his trademark silky runs but now releases the ball a bit earlier and causes the opposition some real headaches, add to that his great spell in goal and the fact he put in a great shift in defence and you have a POTW performance. If it hadn't been for Carbs. What a return! His hat-trick was good but only tells a fraction of the story. His control was perfect and his runs mesmerizing. He said he was playing for his place in the 11-a-side, well, it can hardly be in doubt after a magnificent performance. Like a cross between Rooney, Matt Le Tissier and Stretch Armstrong Carbs spent 60 minutes terrorising Woody's team and deserved his hat-trick and also his POTW, at times he made Dimitar Berbatov look like a clumsy cartoon clown that can't hit barn door. Well done Carbs, great game.

Match Report: Wednesday 25th August

Churchy's Team: 5
Tom's Team: 9

Churchy's Team: Churchy, Shaun, Rich, Chris, Little Dave, Big Dave, Kev, Sam, Barry
Tom's Team: Tom, Rich, Matt, Brett, Jason, Jonny, Jonni, Ed, Paul

Ideal conditions for a game of football and it was good to see Big Dave and Paul return after long absences, the Church brothers and Brett also returned. It was Rich Church's birthday and he turned up with a nice new football and a dreadful liverpool shirt - seriously bad dress sense from an otherwise thoroughly decent chap. Anyway, game on...

The game started with Churchy's Team on the attack and although Brett and Tom dealt with most things comfortably Tom's team couldn't seem to keep the ball upfront or get any kind of attack going which meant each time the ball was cleared it just came straight back. It wasn't long before a nice move from Churchy and Little Dave led to Shaun being played in and he made no mistake firing past Matt in goal. Matt got a hand to it and really should have done better.

Fortunately for Tom's team, Ed and Jonny turned up and joined their team (Big Dave and Sam also turned up and joined Churchy's Team). Jonny W needed a few minutes to warm up and ran around a bit like this man (although when he got going he played more like this man (that is about the speed he runs nowadays too)).

A change of keepers saw Tom replace Matt in goal but his first job was to pick the ball out of the net after Churchy had marked his birthday with a nice run and a quality shot low into the far corner that left Tom rooted to the spot looking like a waxwork Buzz Lightyear in a football kit. Nice goal and 2-0.

Tom's team started to get back into the game with Jonni and Jonny providing some width on the left and Ed causing all sorts of problems for Sam and Kev in defence. Brett was playing some beautiful passes from the back and spreading the play brilliantly. It wasn't long before Ed got in a pulled a couple of goals back, on another occasion, he did well to keep a ball in on the left, beat a defender, then his hat flew off his head and he caught it in his hand whilst beating a second man, but ultimately his shot hit the side netting. Ed needs to get a hat that stays on... or have a haircut, but there's no telling teenagers is there?

The game settled into the normal St Paul's pattern of both teams going for goals and counter-attacking at every opportunity. Jonny W was enjoying the challenge of running with the ball with space scarce and he made a number of goalscoring chances for his team. Tom also played some nice balls into the box and Matt had a couple of headers that were OK but didn't really trouble the keeper. Matt and Ed both blasted the ball over the fence and had long jogs round the fence to get the ball back.

Then Churchy lost the ball in defence after a challenge (Rich claimed foul) by Jason and Ed was on hand to slot the ball home, he doesn't miss those. A ludicrous handball from Jason (he was in goal and ran out, miles out of his area and just picked the ball up) led to a free kick which Shaun cleverly took quickly and played the ball in to Barry but his shot flew wide.

Then a great goal from Churchy, collecting the ball about 25 yards out on the left wing, he looked up and hit a volley with the outside of his boot that flew past Jason in goal. Spectacular. Paul, who was have a good game on his return, ventured up front and the ball fell to him after Churchy had challenged Matt, Paul hit an exquisite first time shot that arched into the far corner. Brilliant.

Little Dave was also having a great game and one of his runs seemed to have paid off when he got some space in the area and his shot beat Jonni in goal. However, Matt had run back and got a foot to the ball on the line, it flew up onto the bar, bounced down, hit Jonni and bounced over. Close! There was a bit of mumbling about goal line technology, but claiming that had crossed the line would be akin to claiming Simon Bissett is teetotal.

There were some tasty challenges. Some nice quick foot work from Big Dave saw him skin Jason, although, just when he looked to have made some space for himself, Jason floored him and Dave went down like a stack of giant jenga bricks. Free kick! Matt nearly took Kev's head off with a foot so high it could have joined Pink Floyd and Brett put in a number of solid, but fair, tackles all over the pitch.

Sam hit the bar from a nice flicked header, the Jason made a great save, so did Paul and Kev made a good save from Jason after Matt pinched ball from Churchy and played the ball across the box - the scoreline could certainly have been higher. Big Dave grabbed a nice goal from distance, hitting the ball hard and low past Paul in goal.

Tom's team started to pull away a bit though. Ed was in a ruthless mood and scored a peach of a goal past Kev, curling the ball low into the far corner after a nice turn. That made it four goals for Ed. Then Jonni broke down the right, cut inside and buried the ball into the back of the net. Matt even got on the score sheet after a nice through ball found him one-on-one with the keeper and he hit it through the keeper's legs. Despite Little Dave pulling one back there was no catching Tom's team and, fittingly, the final word was left to Tom who finished off a good win with a nice goal on the turn. so 9-5 and time was called. A good game that could have had a lot more goals in it, well played lads.

Goal Of The Week: Both of Churchy's goals were great and Ed's fourth was fantastic but Paul's first time finish was sublime and wins GOTW this week. Paul had a great game after a long absence and fully deserved his goal, well done Paul.

Player Of The Week: Brett and Tom were both outstanding again, as was Little Dave. Kev Church had yet another solid game, Jonny W was great and Ed scored 4 goals and managed to keep his hat on for most of the game. Still, you have to say that Churchy was awesome yet again! Rumours before the game suggested that it was his 32nd birthday, but in a slight of hand typical of a Nigerian footballer, Churchy claims to be a mere 23 years old. He spent most of the game out on the left wing and put in some very dangerous crosses that had the opposition defence at full stretch, always involved in the attacks Churchy linked up brilliantly with both Daves and also went on some nice runs himself. He also got back to help in defence and, once again, proved what an excellent tackler he is. You can always rely on Churchy to put in a good shift, but he topped off a great performance with two wonderful goals. Looking like a cross between Magnum PI and Harry Enfield's scousers with the skills of Paul Scholes and Joe Cole genetically spliced into his own already considerable skills Churchy bossed the game and put in a performance that fully deserved the POTW. Well done Rich and Happy Birthday!

Match Report: Wednesday 11th August

Dave's Team: 6

Sam's Team: 6

Dave's Team: Dave, Phil, Andy, Jonni, Kev, Roy

Sam's Team: Sam, Matt, Simon J, Rich, Churchy, Jason

As a few of us gathered in the foyer of Engergise, with the "new look" England team playing on the TV it appeared that we'd be playing 4-a-side and would have to ask for the pitch to be made smaller. With a few lads away on camp, Simon B up to his eyeballs in beer in Kent, Brett missing (presumably fighting crime), Buncey AWOL and Tom on a beach somewhere playing vollyball (think Top Gun) we were, once again, desperate for players.

The returning Phil picked the teams and then the Church brothers turned up to make it 5-a-side, followed shortly by Andy and Jason, so, we had 6-a-side and the prospect of an energy sapping game exploiting the space on the pitch. You can see by the score line how well the teams were picked.

The game turned out to be a fantastic contest played at a blistering pace with both teams starting strongly. For Sam's team Simon J and Churchy passing and running with the ball, with Jason upfront finding space and Sam in midfield supporting from deep. Dave's team countered this with strong defending from Jonni and Roy and Phil's box-to-box powerful runs and Dave's tricky play. Kev seemed to be popping up everywhere and Andy was a real danger from the left wing. Rich had to be strong in defence for Sam's team as Kev and Phil fashioned a few early half chances and Kev found himself wide right on a few occasions but fortunately for Sam's team the final ball was not quite there.

So, the game settled into attack-counterattack-attack mode with some fast breaks from defence and last ditch tackles. One such break found Phil running at Matt as the last defender, with Dave to his right Phil tried to slip the ball through but he put it too close to Matt's chubby leg and the pass was just cut out. Phil went mental at himself, but there was no time for that as Sam's team were suddenly the ones with the opposition's defence at full stretch.

Churchy opened the scoring with a nice finished past Jonni as the keeper ran out to block. That was one of the problems with only having 6 players - the goalkeepers were often left exposed. 1-0 was soon 2-0 when after winning a corner, Churchy played a lovely ball in along the ground and a great run from Simon left him with an easy tap in. Then Matt found himself free in the area, turned and shot but Kev made an outstanding diving save.

The 2-0 lead did not last long as Phil got a bit of space just outside the area and despite Matt attempting to close him down (which to Phil, must have felt like this) he fired in an excellent shot that flew into the bottom corner. A brilliant finish.

Phil then produced the save of the game. Simon J was played in on the left wing by Matt, but Phil charged out of his area and Simon attempted to lift the ball over him. It was a nice bit of skill but Phil (who was now outside his area) jumped up and performed a most blatant handball. Simon took the free kick quickly as Churchy had made a good run to the back post and the pass was inch perfect. Churchy hit the ball hard and low from a couple of yards out, but somehow Phil dived and kept it out. Fantastic save.

The chances and goals came think and fast and it's all a bit of a blur, but included:

• A lovely goal from Sam's team: Churchy had done well on the right wing, beating a couple of players and after shrugging off the close attention from Phil, he played a peach of a ball into the box. Simon J made a great run across the box and produced a sublime dummy which fooled everyone and the ball ran to the back post where Jason was waiting and blasted in from close range.

• A goal from Roy where he chipped the ball beautifully over the keeper.


• A Tap in from Churchy followed by him grabbing a hat-trick with a wonderful volley into the top corner


• A cool finish from Dave after a corner had been cleared, but then struck Rich on the knee sending the ball back into the box and Dave controlled well and slipped the ball past Matt's dive.


• A rare goal from Matt! He picked the ball up deep in his own half and ran at Phil who was the last defender. Simon J and Jason were available on each wing, but Matt continued to run at Phil who continued to back off, then a drop of the shoulder and a left foot shot from distance from Matt led to the ball arrowing into the goal leaving the keeper rooted to the spot. It's rare to see Matt score from more that two yards!

So, it was 6-5 to Sam's team and time was running out. It looked like they would earn the win in a closely fought contest. Enter Phil McBride. He picked the ball up in the middle and ran at the defence beating about three players and letting fly with a brilliant shot. However, the ball cannoned off the foot of the post and rebounded out to a defender. The clearance should have been easy but Phil threw himself at the ball and deflected it to Roy who was waiting at the back post for the simplest of tap ins. 6-6.

Both teams went for the win but the chances dried up and "time" was called on a great game with a draw being a fair outcome. Great game lads.

Goal Of The Week: Roy's tap in, Phil run beat 3 players, hit the post, blocked the clearance and then the ball found it's way to Roy who tapped in at back post. This goal was made by Phil's relentless, bottled up anger which was threatening to burst forth like a nuclear bomb exploding in a filing cabinet. I haven't seen anger like that since Simon B last played. Classic St Paul's football.

Player Of The Week: Simon J was head and shoulders above the rest of us - pure quality. That said, no one had a bad game and there were good performances from Jonni, Roy, The Church Brothers and Phil in particular. In fact, despite his frustration Phil was very close to giving a POTW performance, it's just that Simon was so good. Like an updated, modern take on the Milky Bar Kid, Simon stands out with his skillful runs and excellent passing. He led his team brilliantly and his dummy that set up Jason's goal was awesome. One of the performances of the season. Well done Simon.

Match Report: Wednesday 4th August

Brett's Team: 4 or 5
Jonni's Team: 2

Brett's Team: Brett, Churchy, Rich, Little Dave, Shaun, Jason, Barry, Ed
Jonni's Team: Jonni, Matt, Kev, Big Dave, Tuvvy, Roy, Sam, Andy T

A good evening for a game of football, although an earlier downpour had left the pitch slightly slippery and a few players lost their footing during the game. Fortunately, apart from a tiny graze on Roy's arm there were no injuries. Speaking of injuries, I was saddened earlier in the day by a Tweet from Kerron that said: "The chances of me ever playing football again are remote. Even hobbling makes my ankle swell to the size of a grapefruit!" I thought that that was a real shame, until I ran his message through the Enigma machine and it read: "Wife watching! Can't wait to get back but proceeding with caution. Milking injury while I can. Wife smells a rat. Back soon. Mum's the word. Over". So that was better news.

Tuvvy, Big Dave, Roy, Kev and Ed all returned and there was a debut for Barry and a new haircut for Jonni.

So, on to the game, Matt picked the teams and Shaun picked the ends (so that Jonni's team were facing the sun) and we kicked off with Matt and Brett in goal. Tuvvy and Big Dave were extremely fired up and started the game at full throttle attacking Brett's team with support from Roy and Andy on the wings. Rich, Little Dave and Churchy looked pretty comfortable in defence though and there were no real chances early on. Rich chopped down Andy (I think) and Big Dave took the direct free kick and (egged on by Matt in goal) had a shot, but the ball was high and wide.

Keeper change and almost immediately Matt nearly opened the scoring - a great cross from Tuvvy found him at the back post and Matt tried to direct his header in to the far corner, the keeper looked beaten but the ball went wide. It was one of those games where the defences were on top, Brett and both Riches and Sam and Jonni all mopping up any attacks that came their way. A great run from Jonni had Brett's team on the back foot and he slipped the ball to Matt whose shot cannoned off the post and went wide (Little Dave claimed he had it covered though). At the other end, Churchy was looking lively and turned Matt brilliantly and let fly with a great shot that seemed destined for the far corner but Kev got in a great block and the ball went out for a throw. Little Dave and Barry were playing well and showing some nice skills, Dave in particular was enjoying running at the defence, but clear cut chances were rare. Ed had a couple of sniffs at goal, but seemed to be having a battle to keep his hat on which was taking priority over the footy. Big Dave, Tuvvy and Roy were driving forward but the game was getting a bit scrappy in the middle and both teams seemed reluctant to keep the ball on the floor.

Then the breakthrough, a peach of a ball from Brett over the defence and Little Dave made a great run. Tuvvy, in goal, neglected to come out and catch the ball, instead deciding to wait for the ball to come to him to kick, but Dave nipped in a touched the ball past him. It was a good goal though and Tuvvy made amends a short time later pulling off a fantastic reflex save from a powerful shot.

Jonni's team were throwing all their efforts into getting an equaliser and leaving Sam and Jonni more and more exposed in defence. Kev was looking busy and was involved in most of the attacks, I was convinced he'd scored when the ball broke to him in the area and a lovely flick beat Rich in goal, but Rich somehow managed to reach back and pluck the ball out of the air - a great save. Matt went on a run and after beating a couple of players and faced a back pedalling Brett, Roy ran past on the overlap and screamed at Matt for the ball. Matt shot. The ball flew high and wide and Roy went mental - like a three year old who had just been told to turn off Toy Story because it was bedtime. I honestly thought he was either going to punch Matt or have some kind of cerebral aneurysm. It was like watching that Angry German Kid on YouTube, but directed by Tarantino. Matt was so scared he did a little sick in his mouth.

Andy had been playing well on the left wing and he had a nice run, beat the defender, but the angle was too tight and his shot hit the side netting. Then it was Sam's turn to go close. After a scramble in the area Sam won the ball and struck a lovely dipping shot which had the keeper well beaten but the ball went inches wide - so close! Would this goal ever come?

Committing most of their players to go in search of an equaliser had left Jonni's team pretty stretched at the back and with Shaun, Jason and Ed all lurking up front and Churchy and Little Dave relishing the chance to break quickly the chances did come and it was soon 2-0, then 3-0, with Dave grabbing another and I think Barry scored on his debut.

Then the goal that Jonni's team deserved finally came. After a good corner from Tuvvy the ball pinballed around in the area before falling to Kev who hit an unstoppable shot into the top corner. A goal Kev deserved after his hard work. However, a quick break from Brett's team found Ed who, having sort out all his hat woes, controlled the ball nicely and finished brilliantly from distance. A nice finish. Shortly afterwards Little Dave completed his hat-trick and somehow Jonni's team found themselves on the end of a thrashing.

Matt went on another run and, again, found Brett in his path. Having learnt from (and been mentally scarred by) his mistake last time, he knocked the ball through to Roy, who hit it first time and slotted the ball into the bottom corner. There's a lesson in there somewhere. Roy suddenly burst into song and started singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" - a noble stance but Brett ensured that there was no way Jonni's team would score again by letting absolutely nothing by him for the rest of the game. That song reminded me of the final scene in the Sopranos where Tony gets murdered, at least, I think he did, or did he? Yeah, he definitely did, well, probably.

There was still time for Kev to produce an outstanding goal line clearance from Little Dave, but Jonni's team had run out of time. At the end Jonny W turned up in his dad jeans, the ball rolled to him and he nearly tripped over it, declaring happily "I've still got it". He has, I'm just not sure exactly what "it" is.

Goal Of The Week: Kev Church's goal was nice as was Roy's, but Ed's finish was excellent and he wins this week's GOTW. Well done Ed.

Player Of The Week: Not that many outstanding performances this week. For Jonni's team, Jonni stood out, he had a great game in defence and was involved in most of the attacks too and never gave up. Kev also played really well. For Brett's team, Churchy and Little Dave were both great. Churchy is still one of our best tacklers and he can also run with the ball and was unlucky with a couple of shots. Can't really separate the Church brothers this week, but Kev did score. Little Dave was full of energy and it is a nightmare to get the ball off him. Some of his runs were sublime and you can't really argue with a hat-trick. However, once again, Brett put in an outstanding performance in defence. He was just impossible to get past for the whole game. He cut out any long balls and won the ball every time he went in for it. He's so fast and strong in the tackle that when he takes the ball off you it like being hit by a drag racing monster truck. His pass to Dave for the opening goal was superb and even when his team fashioned a decent lead he kept his discipline and stayed back in defence to ensure Jonni's team had no way back. He looks like Michael Keaton as batman to me, but probably prefers the blue & white of Sheffield Wednesday to the batsuit, he's probably quicker than Batman too. Like a more ruthless and less grumpy version of his drinking buddy (Phil McBride), Brett leads his team well and shows no mercy to the oppositions attackers. A great game Brett, well done.