Match Report: Wednesday 26th May

Kev's Team 12

Will's Team 6

Kev's Team: Kev, Matt, Paul, Buncey, Sam, Jason Norwich, Dave, Steve J

Will's Team: Will, Jason F, Roy, Rich C, Simon J, Kendall, Gavin, Andy T

Another fine evening for a game of footy (although it ended in a downpour) and with Simon B, Tuvvy, Brett, Phil, Steve G and Tom all missing it had the feel of an England friendly, although I hoped we'd show a bit more passion than that. Megan Fox failed to turn up which was a bit of a disappointment (I heard rumours she was off somewhere with Simon B). Was good to see Brett (who looks unnervingly like Michael Keaton in Batman) who was heading to the gym and Phil (who looks like Indiana Jones) who had come to count players and do some set theory. Hopefully they'll both be back soon - Will's team could have done with them in defence in this game! It may be a little longer before Kerron is back on the wing though. Buncey waddled in, still full from his tea and without his lucky boro top – surely not a good sign?

We kicked off with Jason F and Matt in goal and after only a few seconds Dave had broken free and put the ball in the back of the net – a good start! Then good work from Kendall and Rich C led to Will finding space after an expertly timed run and he calmly slotted past Matt to make the score 1-1, a nice finish but awful ball watching from Kev’s team. Kev’s team were passing the ball around beautifully with Paul, Steve J and Buncey getting heavily involved and it wasn’t long before they were back in front. However, shortly afterwards, Will ran past a couple of players and hit the ball low and hard, Matt went down slower than the Bismarck and the ball squeezed under him and hit the back of the net 2-2. Rubbish dive and time for new keepers. Dave took a brilliant corner which found Matt at the back post with a free header, but he headed the ball into the ground and it bounced over the bar – a sitter - missed! Buncey was finding space but some of his shooting was, let’s say, “wayward” making Geoff Thomas look as accurate as Phil “The Power” Taylor. Andy was showing his usual great tackling, legs spraying around like an untethered hosepipe, but getting the job done. Gavin was enjoying space on the left and with Rich C on the right and Jason F and Will charging through the middle, Sam and Kev were kept very busy in defence. Rich C cut inside Matt (who has the turning circle of a cargo ship) and was unlucky to see his shot curl wide. Then a great run from Buncey saw him beat about three players before being forced wide, but a sumptuous dinked cross to the back post found Dave but he couldn’t force the ball home.

The game ebbed and flowed with both teams playing an attacking game and it was soon 4-4 with Gavin scoring an absolute peach of a volley and Buncey getting on the score sheet after snaffling a loose ball and slotting home from close range. Jason F made a good save from Dave and Sam also had a good spell in goal. Then Jason Norwich and Simon J turned up and the game completely changed. Jason N joined Kev’s team and they didn’t look back. Will’s team’s defence went AWOL and it was all-you-can-eat time at this particular buffet. Then something rarer than Buncey volunteering to go in goal - a goal from Matt! What a cracker it was too. He picked the ball up on the right and, from about twenty yards hit an arrow like shot that went in off the post and left the keeper rooted to the spot. If that goal had been a woman it would have been Natalie Portman – stunning! That made it 7-5 but I totally lost track of the rest of the goals, it just got silly. There was a cracker from Kev Church though, a goal he deserved after a great game. Paul was unlucky not to score after a great run and his shot hit the post. It wasn’t all one way though, the ball fell to Will and he tried to marmalise it into next year! Matt, in goal, was foolish enough to save it and his hand was bent back by about 358 degrees - he let out a sound akin to Alan Carr being lowered feet first into a blender.

Then it started to rain and the enthusiasm drained away like the hopes of every England fan during a penalty shootout and we ended the game. So, about 12-6 in the end, it was good for 40 minutes and then it was like silly season in the Wacky Warehouse.

Goal Of The Week: Gavin and Matt’s goals were pretty good but Roy wins GOTW through sheer persistence. A poor long ball out of defence from Matt was headed firmly back up-field by Kendall. Sam seemed to have it covered and, although Roy was in close attendance there didn’t seem to be too much danger and he just nodded the ball back to Kev in goal. Kev ran out of goal, did his best “Peter Crouch Meets Bambi On Ice As Performed By Laurel And Hardy” impression and slipped over, Roy sped past like a racing snake and slotted the ball home. Kev looked like a man who had just discovered John Terry in his girlfriend’s wardrobe. Great poacher’s goal Roy.

Player Of The Week: Kev Church and Paul stood out on Kev’s team and Will and Andy T were first class for Will’s team. POTW this week goes to Sir Richard Of Bunceshire – what a game! I don’t know what he had for his tea but it did the trick (and maybe he should think about binning that boro shirt). Not only did he grab a hat-trick, but he ran the show for Kev’s team for the whole game, he worked so hard his face ended up redder than a Marxist Brian Clough and, it got so red, it started to clash with his hair. Hard work and skill, that’s Buncey, he went on many many of his trademark mazy runs and linked brilliantly with Steve J, Paul and Dave. The cross to Dave (mentioned earlier) was inch perfect and, if there was such an award, would win “Cross Of The Season” hands down, sadly there is no such award so, Buncey, there’s no need to write an acceptance speech. I hate trying to defend against Buncey because he is impossible to tackle. Like a cross between Gazza, John Barnes, Ray Parlour and Spuggy from Byker Grove Buncey oozes class, skill and determination. If he’s free on the 5^th June, surely he’s pinched the right wing spot from Jonny? Great game Buncey!

Tuvvy Watch: Tuvvy was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he knew it was going to rain.