Match Report: Wednesday 2nd June

Tom's Team: 4

Kev's Team: 7

Tom's Team: Tom, Matt, Simon J, Simon B, Rich C, Jason F, Roy

Kev's Team: Kev, Gavin, Dave, Tuvvy, Steve J, Sam, Andy T

A glorious summer evening greeted a reduced band of players, with Brett, Kerron, Jonny, Phil all injured, Buncey on holiday and Dave C, Will, Steve G and Paul all missing we had a 7-a-side and the prospect of Simon B having to run around for a change. Simon's opening gambit? "Matt, the sun is glinting off your grey hair". Nice. Gavin brought a mate along who's name I forget, so he's called Dave now if he wasn't already. Tom reminded everyone that they were playing for their place in Saturday's team - this turned out to be bad news for Matt who played like a cross between Carlton Palmer and Charlie Chalk.

Kev's team were quick out of the blocks and were attacking straight away, Dave had a low drive from distance, a daisy-cutter that was flying into the bottom corner, but Matt pulled off a good save and put the ball out for a corner kick. Simon B was still putting his boots on behind the goal and declared that he "wouldn't have bothered diving for that" - Matt made a mental note not to let him in goal. Simon B then entered the fray and joined Rich Church up front and Tom's team were soon ahead against the run of play. Gavin, Dave and Steve J were enjoying spraying the ball around and tearing Tom’s team to pieces with some sumptuous passing, and Steve J found some space, jinked inside on the left and tried his luck from distance. Matt, again, got down quickly and made the save… except, he didn’t, not quite… the ball slipped though his hands and rolled into the back of the net, a soft goal to concede. It was like the time at school when Francene Peters slipped out of my grasp and left me for David Groom – I still don’t know what she saw in him, maybe she just knew that he was a better goalkeeper than me. Anyway, enough was enough and it was time to swap keepers.

Roy was having a spectacular game in defence but also broke forward and hammered in a great goal to put his team 2-1 up. Then Tuvvy lost his marker at a corner and his header was not far wide. Another good move from Kev’s team led to a shooting chance but Tom saved well and put the ball out for a corner. Tom’s defence barked orders and “marked up”, then Roy shouted “Who’s got Steve?” to which Matt replied “I have” – then the corner came in a Steve J was away like Speedy Conzales and had the ball in the back of the net. Matt was about 30 yards away looking confused like a resident of “Sunny Glade” retirement community. That made it 2-2 and it wasn’t long before Kev’s team made it 3 and started to take a firm grip on the game. Tom then tried to score from his own goal area and wasn’t far off, although Kev probably had it covered.

Kev was playing really well again (he’s found some form over the past few weeks) and was breaking up lots of attacks and linking well with Dave and Steve to keep Tom’s team’s defence under pressure. He had a nice effort from outside the area that didn’t quite dip enough. Kev and Andy were brilliant and didn’t seem to tire all game, making countless tackles and with Sam a rock in defence this meant that Gavin, Dave, Tuvvy and Steve J were free to attack at will – Steve looked like a kid in a sweet shop with all the space he was finding. A cross from Dave found Gavin at the back post but he directed his header wide. Dave then scored a screamer from a corner, a great volley that a combination of Roy, Matt and the crossbar failed to stop. I think Gavin grabbed one from long range that left Jason scrabbling around in his area clutching thin air and then Jason saved well at his far post from someone else. Dave then extended Kev’s team’s lead with another fine run and finish. It wasn’t all one way traffic though and Rich Church, Simon J and Simon B were playing really well together and forging some openings - wayward finishing from Matt, Tom and Jason would ultimately prove costly though. A peach of a ball from Tom found Matt at the back post but he choked like a University Challenge Maths Geek caught in a Tsunami of disdain from Jeremy Paxman and like a wet lettuce in a sock glanced his header wide. Pathetic. A nice move between Rich and Simon B led to Simon crossing the ball in to Jason but he couldn’t quite direct the ball in. Simon B was having a good game on the right and was keeping Sam busy in defence. Simon looks a bit like a Bulldog, with his squat posture, Neanderthal gait, square shoulders and a snarl that makes Hannibal Lecter seem cuddly. Chat to him over a pint though and you’ll find he’s more like Cantona with his philosophical trawlers and sardines rather than Andoni “The Butcher Of Bilbao” Goikoetxea – just don’t spill the pint while you’re talking to him. Anyway, after a quick break from Tom’s team, a square ball from Matt found Simon B and he lashed home his second of the match to make it 6-4 and perhaps we had a fight-back on our hands. Then Tuvvy found some space and smashed home a great half-volley and any thoughts of a fight-back faded faster than Darren Bent’s World Cup dreams. Time was called and Kev’s team had recorded a deserved win, although Tom’s team were worthy opponents and were always in the game.

Goal Of The Week: Dave’s goals were good and Simon B’s finishing was clinical but this week GOTW goes to Tuvvy. He was unlucky with a header early on, but battled up front all game and took his chance brilliantly. A nice half-volley into the corner that gave the keeper no chance. Great finish Tuvvy.

Player Of The Week: Great debut from Dave, with some awesome runs and some nice goals. Simon J was, again, first class and involved in most of what was good about Tom’s team and Steve J was absolutely fantastic. However, POTW goes to Roy who had a spectacular game in defence – I’m sure he swapped positions about two months ago and decided to concentrate more on defending and he’s not looked back since. Without Roy at the back winning countless tackles, Tom’s team would have been on the end of a humiliating annihilation but Roy was harder to get past than the Siegfried Line, swallowing wave after wave of attacks like the Pit Of Sarlacc. Roy is like a cross between Stuart Pearce and Roberto Carlos and was outstanding not only in defence, but his goal was pretty good too! Roy looks like that “northern anarchist” Alex Riley from the BBC, but I bet Roy’s not only funnier but a better footballer (and I bet Alex Riley isn’t running 10K for really good cause either!). Great game Roy, well played, keep it up for Saturday!

Tuvvy Watch: Well, my bet seems to have put some form of hex on Tuvvy's goal scoring spree. He grabbed a goal today and that means he needs four in the next game to win a pint. However, I am feeling generous and will give him a sporting chance by allowing him to count any goals he gets in the 11-a-side on Saturday as well. So, he's got a possible 150 minutes to get four goals and that’s not a wager to sniff at!